one more time

We don't mean to be too fucking dramatic over here. We like to keep our heads before games like tomorrow's. We wouldn't be able to work, sleep, eat, watch Jeopardy!, hang out in the Sheetz parking lot, or any of the things we usually do otherwise. There were points during the regular season where we had to make blanket forts. We don't want to be those people, not ever again.

But, it's been a long, hard road. A roller coaster of a season.

And this is what we've earned.
The singular game that decides a Stanley Cup champion.
Best of one, on the road.
It all comes down to tomorrow.
Friday, June 12, 2009.

These playoffs have gone on long enough for us to know who our heroes are.

Marc-André Fleury is one. He's not always consistent, but in his NHL career he has almost always been big where it counts.
When he sat on the puck in Game 6 last year, that really hurt.
But the Penguins weren't capable of making up for that mistake. It's a team effort, not a goaltending effort or an offensive effort or a defensive effort. Each of those parts of the team can be a difference-maker, but without all three working in tandem, games aren't going to be won in any legitimate fashion.
This year, when Zetterberg hit the post with a shot and it bounced behind Fleury, his defense was alert and he was able to cover it.
And he knew it was good.

This is just one of many, many ways that we are better than we were last year and capable of making a difference in Detroit.
No, Mike, really.
We are.
Swear to Curry on this one.
Stop touching us like that.

No, really. Crosby, Malkin--the two that need no introduction. Hal Gill and Rob Scuderi, the League's new premiere shutdown defensive pairing. Matt Cooke and Chris Kunitz hitting everything that moves in a Detroit sweater, and even some of the things that don't. The third line in general, cycling like their lives depend on it. The hearts that keep beating for us: Max Talbot, Kris Letang, Bill Guerin, Craig Adams, Sergei Gonchar, Mark Eaton. Every single one of those guys is capable and skilled and intelligent and prepared to put it all out there tomorrow evening.

Do you want to know the scariest thing?
This team has yet to play at its highest level.
Last year, the Penguins emptied their tanks to win two games. One at Mellon, and one at Joe Louis Arena in three overtimes, on a power play. One pass from Malkin, a puck that ricocheted off an official, to his tape, to Petey, to the back of the net.
We needed all the gas for that.
The Penguins are heading into Game 7 with more than enough fuel. If we need adrenaline, we'll have it. If we have to win the game with our hearts and nothing else, there's no doubt in our minds that it will happen.
The Penguins have been through enough this season, and even when you thought their tanks were empty--they weren't. If you doubt them now, we'll be the first people to call you a fool.
It's going to be high-octane hockey and if you're scared you're not alone.
But if you feel like now is the time to own the world, you're not only not alone--you're one of thousands.

It all comes down to this.
Get ready.

Anyway, now on to some news:
- Petr Sykora may still play tomorrow night. Get out your whips and chains.
- Nothing in this article means anything whatsoever. Statistics are just more dicksucking and we don't suck the dicks of anyone who hasn't earned it yet.
- This video is not epic. Stop posting it on Facebook. The CBC intro video to Game 1 says it all. If only you were CBC. But you're not.
- We have a Facebook. We never log into it or do anything with it whatsoever, but some of you have found it and apparently think that it means something, so feel free to enjoy it however you see fit. ETA on us accepting your friend request is approximately nine years.

Okay, now on to the real meat of this post, which is that going into tomorrow, we have to be prepared for both victory and defeat. Here are the key items you may want to purchase in your downtime between now and the start of the game tomorrow night:

THE BASICS (WIN OR LOSE)
- Jack Daniels
- Hint of Lime
- Something to wipe snot onto
- Something to piss into
- Any easily accessible flame accelerant

FOR THE WIN
- Champagne
- A gift bottle of scotch for Max Talbot's doorstep
- Cigars and/or red cigarettes, because all champions smoke cigars.
- Fake ID (Jordan Staal, we're looking at you--not that you need any help getting in anywhere, sir.) (If you're of age, suck it.)
- The phone number of the hottest and most accessible victory fuck you have. Or just anyone nearby who wants to fuck you. It really doesn't matter.
- A couch to pass out on at 5AM. Unless you work the next morning. In which case, feel free to go in drunk. Because everyone in their right mind will understand.
- A friend that won't let you near any news cameras or reporters of any kind.
- Bail money
- A few good excuses for lateness/drunkenness/death

FOR THE UNTHINKABLE
- Lots of hard liquor, duh
- A gift bottle of scotch for Max Talbot's doorstep
- At least two suicide hotline numbers (their lines may get busy in the Pittsburgh area, so backups are important)
- The will to get at least semi-sober before you drive home so you don't intentionally drive off a bridge.
- A friend who won't be taking pictures of you sobbing into your liquor and will drive you to the hospital if need be. (A non-hockey friend might be good for this.)
- Your hockey friend should stick around, however, and keep you away from those news cameras and reporters.
- Bail money
- A few good excuses for lateness/drunkenness/death
- Brass knuckles or a shiv. Preferably both.
- A ticket to Detroit
- Firearms (at least three)
- The acceptance of 30 to life (without possibility of parole)
- Map of the Detroit parade route
- A grassy knoll
- A way of telling all of the old gingers apart so you know which ones you got
- Hope for next season

(Disclaimer: if you shoot anyone, you deserve to go to prison. Even if it's Marian Hossa. Well, maybe not. But still. We don't recommend it or condone murder of any kind. Unless it is of delicious Tostitos in your mouth. In that case, go on a fucking rampage. But please. . .don't kill anyone just because we prepared you to do so.)

If you have everything on all three of these lists, you should be good.

Also, apparently someone sent us a picture of Jack Daniels and Hint of Lime.
Kim swears by it.
I have never seen this photograph, but she promises it exists.
Maybe you only sent it to Kim.
If you have it, please re-send.
It is legit rally material.

We're staying up all night, sleeping all day tomorrow, going to Pittsburgh, and then going directly from the Cup riots to our respective jobs, which for all intents and purposes start at 7AM Saturday.

That is, if we even make it out of the city alive.
We wouldn't be sad if we didn't.
If we die in a Cup riot we die happy.

GO PENS.