So, the Caps have won the last 89 games, or whatever. Pens fear nothing and with military precision, they marched on Washington. Or took a sweet bus.
Notice that the Pens don't bring bitches with cameras.
Here's the amazingly precise timeline:
4:43 PM: The Penguins’ game in Montreal ends
5:52 PM: The Penguins arrive at Montreal Airport
6:47 PM: The Penguins get through customs and board the plane
7:30 PM: The Penguins’ plane takes off for Newark, New Jersey
8:52 PM: The Penguins land in Newark
9:24 PM: The Penguins bus departs from Newark for Washington
11:45 PM: The Penguins hit a rest stop for food in Maryland, 81 miles from DC
2:15 AM: The Penguins arrive at the team hotel
Gonch provided the movies on this trip and picked the Da Vinci Code and the regular Code, which is about the Russian mob. Miiiight be sending a message to anyone who owes him poker winnings.
Do not mess.
Pierre, aka Silas the albino monk, pops his waxy little head over the boards far too early in this broadcast. He is bringing "insight", brought to you by ADT, which I am now boycotting for the rest of my existence. Apparently Christopher Shero is on this road trip and slept at the arena last night. He adds something about how Chris's mother didn't even know about it. Someone's in some biiiiig trouble when he gets home. Thanks for ratting the kid out on national TV. What a narc.
Puck drops and it's:
Scratch My Back With A Hacksaw
Pierre definitely "slipped" and said Cindy. Not even clever. Zoe notes, "His mouth was probably impeded by a giant penis." Truer words… This goal is textbook Robert Langdon. It's on.
AO comes in for an attempt on MAF and Brooks is like, "Hells no. I did not sit on a bus for like 9 hours for you to score in the first." They push, they shove, Brooks's helmet is slightly dislodged which only makes him look more badass and Alexxx looks that fat guy at the bar who tells his friends to hold him back.
He Doesn't Know Whether To Cry Or Wind His Watch
The Pens go on the PP because of the bad Brooks. Gogo to Malks to Sid. It's a thing of beauty.
Kunitz checks Theodore's head and he lays on the ice for a while like a pretty starfish. Makes some snow angels. We're on the PK.
Pause For Epically Illustrative Frame By Frame
AO retaliates and puts his elbow into Cooke's face, which is apparently no biggie. Greene launches one of his bombs and MAF is like, uhm. Is that all? There are 7 mins left in the first and NBC is already calling on Sid for a hattie.
We're on the PK and Adams tries to straight up murder Alexxx, but Russian machine never breaks. Knuble jumps Adams from behind. There's a weird fight that looks like an interpretive dance.
The 4 on 4 makes Bruuuuuuce look like he's about to pop and Mike Emrick says, "there's a nice wrinkle" just as I am lusting after Boudreau's beautiful neck rolls.
I just want to pinch those cheeks.
End of the first and I am still stunned by Mike Green's bad acting. The Geico Swamp Thing looks like Meryl Streep to his Megan Fox. I know, I know. That's giving him more credit than he deserves, but his hair is magic and I can't deny it. I think I saw a Marilyn tattoo near his tribal tats once. Anyway...
Emrick: "Washington has been very impressive offensively, just not yet today…" Yeaaahhhh… about that. It's halfway through the second. And all they're good at is hugging at the net.
He heard me say that. Fuuuck. Ovechkin goes on a breakaway and is like a good mile in front of Eaton. Suddenly, the arena stops talking amongst themselves and realizes that there is a hockey game going on in front of them. Brief moment of cheering and then back to dead silence.
AO has killed the goal cam. Emrick doesn’t know what to do. He starts wringing his hands: "There are talented people who know how to fix this… all I know about is Radio Shack." Stay calm, sir. Pierre takes this opportunity to mention that he texts Mike on the regular. This is not helping Emrick's anxiety level.
Eef zere is no film, ze goal, it does not count?
Suddenly, albino monk Pierre is ice level asking Coach Bylsma if this was the wildest bus trip of his career. He strokes his chin thoughtfully, recalling memories of his youth: keg stands, busses with stripper poles, pushing the fucking bus through the snow like last time. Uhm, no Pierre, this was not. Thanks for playing, though.
Greatest Use of Summer Olympic Sports In A Game
Orpik is super stoked for the Olympics and vaults like Kerri Strug over Pothier. Diversion. JStaal scores. Alexxx dogpiles on KTang and Backstrom tries to fight Kennedy, realizes it's Kennedy, and runs away. …all the way to the locker room. Emerick tries to educate us on fighting and sounds like he is reading from a leaflet handed out by Don Cherry. Oh, the humanity!
4 on 4 after that hugfest. Poor Tom Poti passes straight to Malks who passes to JStaal for his second. Theodore looked like he didn't even know how he got there and just gets out of the way to let it in.
Caps fans start booing like sentient beings. Pierrie is instantly alarmed. He thought he was having his alone time with Mike…
Most Awkward Geographical Discussion
Fehr outhustles McKee. Goal. Apparently Fehr is from a dynasty of greatness. Mike starts discussing the only 3 people to come from Manitoba, ever.
The man is so abused.
Sid's injured during the faceoff and goes to the bench. PANIC AND HYSTERIA!!!! His head's on the boards and he looks like he is in pain but gets back on the ice in like .5 seconds. What a human.
There's shuffling, things are happening. The Croz looses his helmet, which makes him look GQ. Mike: "Bruce is steamed."….more like fried. Badum-ching!
In the intermission, the only thing that mattered was when Milbury told Pierre to stick a sock in it. So fucking feisty.
Third starts: Zoe starts playing Canned Heat to help out Fleury. Kennedy hears it and starts doing things. AO hears it and mistakes it for the banjo in Deliverance. Goes all commando. MAF saves, but then Ovie is in front of the net and swings like it's tennis… puck goes in.
HEART ATTACK CITY.
Alexxx is limping around and Pierre starts making fun of him. DO NOT TAUNT THE MONSTERS PIERRE!!! He hears me and starts talking about Magic Johnson and Larry Byrd. WTF. Sid is nowhere to be seen.
SHIT GETS REAL:
Cooke's stick breaks. Schultz goes to the box. It's fucking on: Tied. On the PP. 4 minutes left. Suddenly there's a man in a pink sweater vest on my screen. I'm horrified. He's playing with a ball. This is all wrong... Mike calls Cappy Cindy again. Pens are circling like sharks. MAF looks like the wall in pong. The penalty dies as does a piece of my soul and Emrick starts calling for a shootout. Whoah, buddy.
Zoe's soundtrack concludes with "Boys of Winter".
Brooks twirls his stick and it hits Semin's delicate bone structure. We are on the PK. Emrick starts packing up his mic to go home. The OT goes a little something like this:
Ovechkin. That's all there is to say. I think Semin winked at me through his visor. Diiiiick.
We will meet again.
Alternative Three Stars:
2 goals in 84 seconds.
2. Michal Neuvirth
Bought a whole ticket and only used the edge of his seat. This was almost your day, kid. Now get back to class.
1. Craig Adams
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Posted by Intern Ann at 12:08 PM