So, the Caps have won the last 89 games, or whatever. Pens fear nothing and with military precision, they marched on Washington. Or took a sweet bus. 
Notice that the Pens don't bring bitches with cameras.
Here's the amazingly precise timeline:
4:43 PM: The Penguins’ game in Montreal ends
5:52 PM: The Penguins arrive at Montreal Airport
6:47 PM: The Penguins get through customs and board the plane
7:30 PM: The Penguins’ plane takes off for Newark, New Jersey
8:52 PM: The Penguins land in Newark
9:24 PM: The Penguins bus departs from Newark for Washington
11:45 PM: The Penguins hit a rest stop for food in Maryland, 81 miles from DC
2:15 AM: The Penguins arrive at the team hotel
Gonch provided the movies on this trip and picked the Da Vinci Code and the regular Code, which is about the Russian mob. Miiiight be sending a message to anyone who owes him poker winnings. 
Do not mess.
Pierre, aka Silas the albino monk, pops his waxy little head over the boards far too early in this broadcast. He is bringing "insight", brought to you by ADT, which I am now boycotting for the rest of my existence. Apparently Christopher Shero is on this road trip and slept at the arena last night. He adds something about how Chris's mother didn't even know about it. Someone's in some biiiiig trouble when he gets home. Thanks for ratting the kid out on national TV. What a narc. 
Puck drops and it's:
Scratch My Back With A Hacksaw
Pierre definitely "slipped" and said Cindy. Not even clever. Zoe notes, "His mouth was probably impeded by a giant penis." Truer words… This goal is textbook Robert Langdon. It's on. 
AO comes in for an attempt on MAF and Brooks is like, "Hells no. I did not sit on a bus for like 9 hours for you to score in the first." They push, they shove, Brooks's helmet is slightly dislodged which only makes him look more badass and Alexxx looks that fat guy at the bar who tells his friends to hold him back. 
He Doesn't Know Whether To Cry Or Wind His Watch
The Pens go on the PP because of the bad Brooks. Gogo to Malks to Sid. It's a thing of beauty. 
Kunitz checks Theodore's head and he lays on the ice for a while like a pretty starfish. Makes some snow angels. We're on the PK.
Pause For Epically Illustrative Frame By Frame
End scene.
AO retaliates and puts his elbow into Cooke's face, which is apparently no biggie. Greene launches one of his bombs and MAF is like, uhm. Is that all? There are 7 mins left in the first and NBC is already calling on Sid for a hattie.
We're on the PK and Adams tries to straight up murder Alexxx, but Russian machine never breaks. Knuble jumps Adams from behind. There's a weird fight that looks like an interpretive dance.
The 4 on 4 makes Bruuuuuuce look like he's about to pop and Mike Emrick says, "there's a nice wrinkle" just as I am lusting after Boudreau's beautiful neck rolls. 
I just want to pinch those cheeks.
End of the first and I am still stunned by Mike Green's bad acting. The Geico Swamp Thing looks like Meryl Streep to his Megan Fox. I know, I know. That's giving him more credit than he deserves, but his hair is magic and I can't deny it. I think I saw a Marilyn tattoo near his tribal tats once. Anyway...
Emrick: "Washington has been very impressive offensively, just not yet today…" Yeaaahhhh… about that. It's halfway through the second. And all they're good at is hugging at the net. 
He heard me say that. Fuuuck. Ovechkin goes on a breakaway and is like a good mile in front of Eaton. Suddenly, the arena stops talking amongst themselves and realizes that there is a hockey game going on in front of them. Brief moment of cheering and then back to dead silence. 
AO has killed the goal cam. Emrick doesn’t know what to do. He starts wringing his hands: "There are talented people who know how to fix this… all I know about is Radio Shack." Stay calm, sir. Pierre takes this opportunity to mention that he texts Mike on the regular. This is not helping Emrick's anxiety level. 
Eef zere is no film, ze goal, it does not count?
Suddenly, albino monk Pierre is ice level asking Coach Bylsma if this was the wildest bus trip of his career. He strokes his chin thoughtfully, recalling memories of his youth: keg stands, busses with stripper poles, pushing the fucking bus through the snow like last time. Uhm, no Pierre, this was not. Thanks for playing, though.
Greatest Use of Summer Olympic Sports In A Game
Orpik is super stoked for the Olympics and vaults like Kerri Strug over Pothier. Diversion. JStaal scores. Alexxx dogpiles on KTang and Backstrom tries to fight Kennedy, realizes it's Kennedy, and runs away. …all the way to the locker room. Emerick tries to educate us on fighting and sounds like he is reading from a leaflet handed out by Don Cherry. Oh, the humanity!
4 on 4 after that hugfest. Poor Tom Poti passes straight to Malks who passes to JStaal for his second. Theodore looked like he didn't even know how he got there and just gets out of the way to let it in.
Caps fans start booing like sentient beings. Pierrie is instantly alarmed. He thought he was having his alone time with Mike…
Most Awkward Geographical Discussion
Fehr outhustles McKee. Goal. Apparently Fehr is from a dynasty of greatness. Mike starts discussing the only 3 people to come from Manitoba, ever.
The man is so abused.
Sid's injured during the faceoff and goes to the bench. PANIC AND HYSTERIA!!!! His head's on the boards and he looks like he is in pain but gets back on the ice in like .5 seconds. What a human. 
There's shuffling, things are happening. The Croz looses his helmet, which makes him look GQ. Mike: "Bruce is steamed."….more like fried. Badum-ching!
In the intermission, the only thing that mattered was when Milbury told Pierre to stick a sock in it. So fucking feisty.
Third starts: Zoe starts playing Canned Heat to help out Fleury. Kennedy hears it and starts doing things. AO hears it and mistakes it for the banjo in Deliverance. Goes all commando. MAF saves, but then Ovie is in front of the net and swings like it's tennis… puck goes in. 
HEART ATTACK CITY.
Alexxx is limping around and Pierre starts making fun of him. DO NOT TAUNT THE MONSTERS PIERRE!!! He hears me and starts talking about Magic Johnson and Larry Byrd. WTF. Sid is nowhere to be seen.
SHIT GETS REAL:
Cooke's stick breaks. Schultz goes to the box. It's fucking on: Tied. On the PP. 4 minutes left. Suddenly there's a man in a pink sweater vest on my screen. I'm horrified. He's playing with a ball. This is all wrong... Mike calls Cappy Cindy again. Pens are circling like sharks. MAF looks like the wall in pong. The penalty dies as does a piece of my soul and Emrick starts calling for a shootout. Whoah, buddy.
Zoe's soundtrack concludes with "Boys of Winter".
Brooks twirls his stick and it hits Semin's delicate bone structure. We are on the PK. Emrick starts packing up his mic to go home. The OT goes a little something like this: 
Ovechkin. That's all there is to say. I think Semin winked at me through his visor. Diiiiick. 
We will meet again.
Alternative Three Stars:
3. JStaal
2 goals in 84 seconds.
2. Michal Neuvirth 
Bought a whole ticket and only used the edge of his seat. This was almost your day, kid. Now get back to class.
1. Craig Adams
Beast.
Isles Wednesday.
Go Pens.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
lookin like a tramp, like a video vamp
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31 comments:
This game was the epitome of intense. My friend brought up a good point..the lack of Eddie lead to the increase in Pierre's moronic comments. The boys looked amazing in the first..then Mike jinxed the shit out of us. I take full responsibility for the first Caps goal because I was thinking Marc would be getting his first shutout and even knocked on wood. Sorry =(
A game against the Isles at home will be a much needed confidence boost.
Craig Fucking Adams with the alternate first star. A+ for that, Madam Intern.
I love MAF. We don't win the cup without MAF but MAF needed to play better than he did today. You simply do not let a 4-1 lead slip away. Granted it wasn't all his fault but at the end of the day YOU are the last line of defense and YOU must stop the puck when no one else can. We should have won the game today. We played good enough to win. Sid rose to the occasion and frankly outplayed the great 8. If not for some very questionable goals allowed by our million dollar goalie we win this. Fluery i love you but come playoff time you need to be a first round pick goalie and not the equal of theodore. You are better than him and you are better than that! I pity the fool that has to play the pens next. After those two games the pens will be out for blood. Poor islanders. You are already slumping and now have to face a pissed off penguins team. LET GO PENS!
I feel responsible for the lose. I was sitting in my pajamas because it was so early, but at the second intermission I went and had a shower and changed into my Pens shirt which I am now calling the cursed Pens shirt because everytime I wear it they seem to blow a lead and lose. I will henceforth only wear it on nights when the Caps are playing.
Also what the hell is wrong with Malkin? Hello! Where are you Gino? Could you be any less of a factor in one of the biggest games of the year? Remember those days when there was a debate whether you were as good as sidney and OV. Remember that? You think anyone debates that anymore with the year you are having? Pick it up dude! Seriously. I haven't seen you play up to your potential since the Ottawa game before xmas!
That game was so intense. I felt so happy until they scored to make 4-4. I though I was going to have a heart attack or something during Over time, and, power play call. Eeew. But anyway, the Caps are doing well now but during playoffs, they're gonna get tired and unhealthy team. I dont think they are gonna break any record, and Caps winning a cup is just a joke. I feel proud wearing black and gold in DC area. But hell yea I get so mad after they scored during OT... oh gossssh
anyway GO PENS
This just in. Ovechkin was just admitted to Arlington hospital with severe stomach pains. More info to follow
Yo Bradford, pics or it didn't happen. Post it on Japers. We only care about Sid.
well Bradford, that's what happens when you shallow too much cum...
Too much protein, leads to your kidneys going into overdrive, which leads to dehydration, which leads to stool problems, thus, the stomach problems. Semin is just going to have to find someone else to suck him off pre-game.
haha funny allison! intern ann you want pics of him entering the hospital? lol i didn't personally see him walk in from here in atlanta. i just grew up where he lives now and have a friend in that hospital who said he came in. i don't know any more details beyond that right now. it was prolly nothing too serious. rem he was hurt today so maybe they were just checking on that. He lives across the street from Arlington hospital so its a very convenient place for him to go. When i know more you will know more. Maybe his vagina was itching and he had to get it checked out?
I flew up from Florida for this game. Had one flight cancelled, had to rebook an earlier flight, fell in snow, shoveled a shit ton of snow just to get there. The game was an exciting cluster fuck. I was lucky enough to sit near several other Pens fans. Caps "fans" are absolute douchebags. The dude behind me insisted on screaming in my face after everyone goal and the arena had a collective orgasm after OV's hattie. Fuck him. Glad we got a point out of it. See ya in Pitt on Fri for the game! Go Pens!
Bitchin' bus photo, Intern Ann! :) And extra props for mentioning Uncle Fester's nauseating neck rolls. Now, THERE's a man who hasn't seen his wiener since the Islanders last won the Stanley Cup...
Ah, bus trips! Gets me all teary-eyed and nostalgic for the good old days. Flashback to the "Old" NHL, when men were meat and when traveling meant pimped-out buses with stripper poles and pre-game meals meant eating can upon can of Spaghetti-O's and boxes of Kraft dinner. It worked for Bobby Orr, so they must have been doing something right, Mr. Bettman!
Arright arright arright so the motherfucking Spice Girls won the game. They got lucky. The Pens bus trip threw them a bone. Apparently there was at least one scrotum piercing on board which isn't all that bad considering it was a 5+ hour trip, but still... They got DISTRACTED. The Whoppers didn't help, either. Where's Harold, Kumar & NPH when you need them? In a nutshell, take away the lame nutrition police and your motley crue of pampered dieters go crazy with the Cheez Whiz. Fuckin' cheesy tots and funnel cake sticks, man! Yeah I'm looking at you, Billy G and Brooks Orpik!
@Bradford: If you wanna blame somebody/particularly revolting fast foods for the loss, blame Brooks/his retarded penalty in OT and his fuckin' penchant for cheesy tots and chocolate milk. MAF will get his shit together just in time for the playoffs (certainement!), and whenever Geno forgets that a "slump" for him means 2 games au maximum because he's making 9 million booyahs a year, he just needs a sojourn in the wilderness with nothing to eat but wood lice and bear poo to set him back on course. Fear not.
Was I higher than usual or didn't anybody else notice how many times McGuire & Milbury bitched about Olczyk's not being able to make the telecast? I was like thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for no Eddie O.
Oh, and hey Morrisonn: Chachi is not a human trampoline, 'kay? Well - not for YOU, anyway. Save your STDs and pathetic Manket attempts for your girlfriends in the locker room!
I agree with Zoe, McGuire might actually be a decent broadcaster if he could take hartnell and ovechkin's dicks out of his mouth for more than 5 minutes
I think the Penguin's Monkey needs to do something to Orpik...just saying.
Did anyone else think that Cappy looked like even more of a beast when he had his helmet off and was still playing. I loved how he took being sandwiched on the ground like a man and then almost scored (if he had scored it would've been even better but whatever)
@EHisCDN: Exclusive locker room intel indicates that Pens Chimp has already left a steaming diaper and multiple half-eaten cheesy tot containers in Mr. Orpik's stall. Payback has only just begun for that ill-advised penalty and the even dumber Burger King binge. It's not worth "pick"ing a fight with Orpik, though. If you review the game in detail you can actually see when the fast food carbo loading kicked in with all of them. They were running on fart fumes and that's about it. But they get huge - HUGE - backslaps for not whining about any of it. No excuses!
Chachi was a gentleman about Morrisonn's tacky "power bottom" move this time. Next time - sans 5
Tendergrill Chicken Sandwich Value Meals - Mr. I Need 2 NNs Instead Of 1 To End My Name will pay accordingly for confusing Chachi's Chicken Tendergrills with a BK Double Stacker. TOTALLY DIFFERENT DINNER, DUDE!!!
I'm currently working on constructing a flow chart/quiz of sorts that matches up players with their ultimate fantasy binge food. I just hope for Team Canada's sake that MAF and MBro never learn of the Canadian Calzone or the Chewbaca Bars. MBro has enough porker issues as it is...
@mouthguard. Seriously? Semin gets the ocsar for drawing that OT call. Did you miss part where it was a terrible call? Why do you think Orpik was kicked out of the game? He was so upset Semin embellished the high stick they kicked him out. So no i don't blame brooks. Brooks played his butt off and what Semin did was despicable. Hockey players who take dives and embellish nonexistent penalties shouldn't be in the game to begin with. Maybe you missed all that. You don't blame the victim of the crime you blame the criminal. Semins embellishment was criminal and stole the game in a very cheap way from the pens. It's hard to believe there is a pen fan out there that thought it was a good call.
@Bradford: I am always 1000% serious. I take my hockey very, very seriously.
I never miss a shot - of anything, although I'm partial to vodka.
Semin's a douchebag. A Spice Girl. Duh!
But Brooks eats too many cheesy tots.
The CapiTOOLS will learn that crime doesn't pay. Eventually. Or maybe not. Every team profits from bad calls at one time or another, but teams that consistently play filthy tend to not prevail in the long run. Regardless of how much hype they may get from the NHL or network television, and notwithstanding their players who might win various scoring titles. Like Popeye used to say, "wrong is wrong, even if it helps ya."
All in all, it was an incredible, entertaining game with an outcome that sucked for the guys who deserved the win. Can hardly wait for the next round!
@mouthguard Glad to hear it man. I have a lot of respect for passionate hockey fans especially if they are part of the pens family. I get what you are saying i am just bitter about the game. For starters i was supposed to be there. I grew up in dc. My fam still lives there. Although i am pens my fam is caps and has killer season tickets in section 101 in front of the owner box behind the away bench about midway down. prolly the best seats in the house to be honest and I was supposed to be in them like i am for every pens caps game most of my life. However i live in atlanta now and my flight home got canceled and jackass bettman wouldn't push the game to monday so there was no way for me to get there. I was really upset because i seriously love my pens more than any other sports team of any sport. It gets me worked up. im very emotional about it. when i see someone cheat on the other team it makes me mad. I was really feeling Brooksies pain on that play. Both teams play one of the best games this year and for a player to do that is just shameful to me. granted the refs sucked all game and that broken stick that benefited the pens wasn't a penalty either. i try to be fair. had we scored there i might not be saying anything but really i just don't like the refs deciding games. I want the players to always do that especially in OT. It is my opinion that in overtime only very blatant penalties should be called. I mean real bad ones. For marginal ones the refs should swallow the whistle and let the boys play. That's just me man. Lots of folks don't agree. I thought you didn't see how much he embellished the play. You obviously did though. Yeah those other points are very valid ones. Also, MAF needs to be sharper and our D needs to keep him from being screened. that OV tennis type goal doesn't happen if MAF has better view. I admit maybe i'm being a bit over the top about Semin but can you blame me? I missed my penguin trip and im frankly bitter about it. Win or lose i was supposed to be there and maybe my magical Crosby jersey stops the caps comeback and we win. Maybe my extraordinarily load voice wakes up our D. I know the pens hear me when i yell to them. they are right in front of me. I know those refs hear me too. I just really wanted to be there and should have been. Bettman is off my xmas card list for a long time. Take it easy. Hoping the pens get really mad and take that energy into wednesday night. We need to finish this week with 3 wins and 6 points before the olympic break after losing those two games. Kunitz needs to step up now that he is back and all our lines are finally intact. I expect big things from us next game. take it easy. LETS GO PENS!!!
Once again, Intern Ann, what a fantastic recap! I'm also amazed by how precise the timeline of the trip was. Don't let it be said that the reporter was slacking! Or you, for that matter. I also thought McGuire said "Cindy," but decided to let it pass. To think, we have to put these douchebags on mute during the Olympics!
I'm still so pissed that the Caps won. Leave it to our boys, as much as I love them, to snatch a defeat from the jaws of victory. I felt a tiny bit of sympathy for the Caps fans who came out in the snow, but seeing how they handled the win online ended that real quick.
It's funny to see how superstitious other Huffers are. I've already shared how I eat a black and white cookie for the Pens before every game. Well, last year I also had my toenails done in metallic crimson red at the beginning of race season, as in the color of Tony Stewart's primary car, and kept it until Tony won. (I usually like blues and greens.) So I decided to do it this season, too. My Beloved gave me a recession pedicure during the game, and while it was lovely at first, it wasn't until my left foot was finished that I realized it was rocking the red during this game, of all games! Sure enough, it was the second period that we were doing this, and she'd just done her hands in the same color during the first. So, we must also accept partial responsibility for the outcome of this game. Should've waited until afterwards!
@ MouthGuard: Speaking of Tony Stewart, he has a Burger King endorsement deal, and never has an athlete been better matched to a product. I mean, you look at him, you believe that boy regularly eats Whoppers! But he's a two-time champion, wins lots of races, and, in person, can make a woman forget she's happily married for a second. *unabashedly raises hand* I don't see what the fuss was about Penguins eating at BK, but it sure doesn't seem to agree with them. Crosby will probably get a razor endorsement before the team gets a BK endorsement.
I also appreciated Orpik's effort, but think he got a bit overenthusiastic at the end and totally deserved a visit from Pens Chimp.
Can someone please take a look at the photo linked below (from the game post) and tell me WTF is going on with the Red Rocker seen behind Staalsy and Cooke? Is he digging for clams or what?
http://bit.ly/9l9EwZ
Despite #11's lovely first goal which resulted in the scrum, this picture is just plain disturbing.
And I don't mean to go all emo but yinz's blog does our gender proud.
-
@Leeeny: Mmmmmm - salty... Hell yeah dude is full on digging for clams! You fricking called it and I think you should win something cool for this! You need to go get yourself a job as an NHL ref and call those CapiTOOLS fans out on the booger patrol. Maybe they think that's what snow plowing is. You have to admit it's a symbolic portrait of pretty much everything that's crusty and crude about Leonsis, Fester, O-felchkin & Crew. It's perfect. :)
@CrackerLilo: Unless you have invested in the airbrushed booger pedicure, there is no way you could ever be bringing on the Caps' mojo. ;) Don't be so hard on yourself!
I know this has no relevance to the rest of the comments, but I truly love and cherish MAF phonetic commentary. Just thought I'd mention.
I hope you bitches saw this:
"The Thrashers aren't done dealing. Energy forward Armstrong becomes an unrestricted free agent this summer and hasn't always been on the best of terms with coach John Anderson. A return to the Penguins for a middle-round pick wouldn't surprise anyone."
Seriously-- who got the "Colby to the Pens" rumor the whole way to SI.com? Brilliant!
The real Spice Girls are very offended by the comparison.
I swear when Captain Caveman scored and broke the camera, I could almost see Pierre Nipple-Head McGuire's raging boner poking through my tv screen.
Even though they blew the lead and lost, I thought overall it was a pretty fun game to watch, it felt like the playoffs. At least the Saints won to distract me from the feelings of fail.
@Lilo: I had nothing else to do yesterday so I took your advice from the last post and checked out Sean Avery's blog. I was so entertained, but I kept getting the urge to hide my screen so no one could see what I was looking at, even though no one else was around.
On a final note, wtf is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPSqR1UxKAI
It says it was uploaded a month ago, how come I never knew about it until last night? Talbot has really taken the bar for tackiness/cheese/ham and raised it up an extra 10 feet!
@ MouthGuard: I'm pretty sure my red toenails didn't actually doom the Pens. Just between us, I have this theory that the team was getting tired and overconfident and the loss had nothing to do with any fan's nail polish or jerseys or anything else. I know, crazy, right? ;-)
@ Hand of Godard: Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing that!!! I'd love to know who got that particular trade rumor that far, too. Never doubt the power of Puck Huffers!
@ Big Taste: I think that was Nat's advice to me. I know it wasn't mine. It's absolutely brilliant, though. I live in NYC, so it's very easy for me to look at Sean Avery and be grateful without giving his website a hit.
Talbot will have the tacky bar raised to Empire State Building levels, at least, before he retires, and I love him for it.
@big taste. Thank you for the max talbot commercial link. As i am in Atlanta i don't get to see all the great local commercials with pens in them. Max is the funniest guy on the pens roster right now. I love his superstar car commercials. As bad as this one is, i can't help but love it too! Even the rubber ducky. I wonder how much he gets paid for these things. Love that guy. When pens came to atlanta last it was Max who came out of the lockeroom first for warmups and stood and talked to all us fans. He signed everything in front of him. He went the extra mile and he cracked lots of joke. Indeed i have man love for mad max and hope he stays with the pens forever!
@crackerlilo I live in atlanta. They have been talking about the Armstrong trade possibility for the last week here. He doesn't get along with the coach. Do we really want him back though? I would rather have Ray Whitney or Teemu Selane who are also being mentioned as serious possibilities. How awesome would selane be on a line with sid????? Look out! I think that would seal up cup number 4 for us. Sid deserves a true sniper. He really does.
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