snake river crossing

This game was kind of like playing a game of 1992's Oregon Trail Deluxe to the end in one sitting.
Just brutal. Brutal but fucking rewarding, as long as you survive the raft journey near the end.

Before we set off from Independence, here is some business.
- Staal has been nominated for the Selke. BEAST.
- Phoenix had a 1-0 game in Detroit until the Wings started playing their shit. Wings win, series 2-2. Holy balls.
- Philly pwns Jersey.
- Nashville pwns Chicago.
- San Jose claws it out over Colorado.
Is all of that clear?

Did you pick KTang? He gets dysentery easily and needs taking care of, but check out this hit. The crowd knows the water in your casks is bad.

Awright, now, who did ya'll pick to be in your wagon party?
Did you pick Evs?
You should have, because after the period jobs around a bit the Pens got a PP. Gonch faked a beautiful shot, but Malks had a real beautiful shot, and it was 1-0.
Typical so far.
Nothing to be concerned about.

After that happens, Dan Potash decides to inject some life into my sad little heart by doing an intermission feature on Max when he was a teenager winning championships in the QMJHL with the Gatineau Olympiques.
So much beard happened to your television that you wondered when the next river crossing was so you could take a cold. . .bath. . .
We then zoom in dramatically on his team photo, sans beard, to cool down the action:
We are shown his former captain's stall like it is a fucking holy place of worship.
And then Max talks about becoming a man in the QMJHL and other bullshit and your sanity has effectively melted off of you.
You have a fever.
Stop and rest.
*whew*

The second period was just a festival of love and drama.
Early on Andy Sutton rubs Tyler Kennedy the fuck out and he never makes it back to the game.
We're going to have to start a club called "People Whose Lives Have Been Needlessly Fucked With By Andy Sutton."
Sidney Crosby gets some minibreakaway.
Like hunting buffalo on the plains.

Blink and Matt Cooke has done it too:
BULLSEYE BITCHES off a sexy feed from MaxTal and his current almostbeard

Crosby then burns Elliott again because he can.
Which means it's Leclaire time.
For at least tonight:Oh fuck we found some wild fruit:
Immediately after scoring Chris Neil goes insane and hits Tang in the back for absolutely no reason whatsoever. He was in his own goaltender's crease. . .he's allowed. Absurd sequence. Pens don't do anything with the PP. Leclaire and Zach Smith are on the assignment.
In the absence of TK we are rolling out the best line combos: Adams, Guerin, Mike Rupp. Most raucous Conestoga wagon EVAR!

Sens get some shit going and Alfredsson rockets one. 4-2
fuck no Daniel we do not want to spoon in the tent with you

The Pens find themselves shorthanded for about a year and a half. Crosby goes in for the hattie and is denied. Then Adams and Talbot team up to display their vaunted backhand plays and everyone in the entire fucking world is pregnant.
We'd show you a picture but it's even more birth control resistant than we expected.
Better take some Plan B, ladies.

Meanwhile the Pens take some more penalties and Matt Cullen decides to sparkle on them:
Okay whatevs, but the power of the Beard remains strong.
We couldn't find the specific Mountain Man from Oregon Trail Deluxe, but here is one we found on Google:
NOTE THE FILE NAME
HE IS FRENCH CANADIAN
MOVING ALONG

Kunitz
Spezza
Jordan "Selke Trophy Nominee" Staal:
It is 7-4.
Everyone freaks out and takes penalties.
Andy Sutton = stain on humanity.
HOOOOOOOOOO

3-1 series lead.
Now we must make our homestead in this new land.
BRING IT HOME BITCHES.

Our alternative stars tonight are the dudes with the ladder:
GO PENS.