Puck Huffers

2011-12-28T21:45:00.001-05:00

Po boys and beers on the town with cbloggers and Allison. Woo! Life is good.

movin' on up.

2010-05-17T12:01:00.006-04:00

It is time we say farewell to Blogger.
...but certainly not to blogging.
You kidding us?
Like PH will ever go out of style.
Check out our new digs for the most blindingly sexy experience of your life, as well as a detailed explanation of why this is The Right Thing for us bitches and what awesome things it means for you bitches in the future.
It's been real, Blogger, but we gotta keep up with Consol Energy Center.
Too many of your seats were limited view.

www.puckhuffers.com will lead you to a new and improved location by the end of the day. (Hopefully. If disaster strikes, it'll be tomorrow at the latest. We hope. )

Until then, feel free to click below to check the new pad.

And as always,

Go Pens.

EDIT: comments now work on the new site. Please read the post and throw your comments in the bag. Make irrational demands also.

finals wtf

2010-05-16T17:15:00.003-04:00

If you want to catch like the second half of the third period of the Sharks/Hawks game, it's on NBC.
Tonight, Philadelphia and Montreal will go at it.
We have all kinds of differing opinions within the Ranks of PH about this year's conference finals, but rooting for "whoever wins in the West" is probably a safe bet for Pens fans.
Joe Thornton caressing the Cup like an inebriated woman in the back of a dark piano bar would be kind of hot, though.
Uh yeah we don't even know.
It's a warm afternoon.
Go Pens.
And everyone else who doesn't suck balls.

The PH train will be rolling into some big changes in the next few days, too.
Stay alert.

worst.series.ever.

2010-05-14T22:12:00.002-04:00

The Flyers complete a 3-0 comeback in Boston to take the series 4-3.
Michael Leighton hanging on to win a playoff series?
Who'd've thought a few years ago when he was letting in like 7 goals a game for the Canes a few years ago when they decided to let Wardo sit and eat his Honey Bunches of Oats cereal bars?

No clue what to say about all this.

This might be the most difficult series to watch in years. Or, you know, since last time the Devils played.

no clue

So much weird symmetry in these playoffs.
Mellon Arena's tenure as the home of the Pittsburgh Penguins bookended by Habs wins.
The nails in the coffin for both the Pens and the Bruins were the result too many men penalties.
The Flyers came back from 3-0 in the series and 3-0 in the game.
The hockey gods are drinking moonshine and playing Yahtzee and are clearly not monitoring this shit with a sober eye.
You know how patterns can be disturbing and entrancing when you're drunk. . .?
Yeah.

Who are you rooting for?
What about Hawks/Sharks?
Feel free to rant in the comments.
Maybe some news about the Big Changes to PH in the next couple days.

Also, if you're not already pumped about Consol you're not a Pens fan.

GO PENS.
(as always)

merci, bitches

2010-05-13T01:48:00.005-04:00

The first thing we want to say is Thank You.
Thank you to Mellon Arena. Words can't express the amount of memories that have been made within its walls, on its lawn, in front of its gates--both hockey-related and otherwise.
Thank you to the Pittsburgh Penguins, the management and organization, and every single fan who supported this team this season and in all years previous.
The previous sentence does not apply to the people who left the arena and the lawn tonight during a Game fucking 7.
It poured ass rain for awhile, yeah. And then the team went down 4-zip.
But you were witnessing history. Plant your ass in the seat and scream so loudly and so long that your insides burn and you're about to puke. The building, the team, the entire city of Pittsburgh was counting on you to keep your heads up. It's not just a sport. You are a member of a community.
Thus, an extra special thanks to every single person who stood on their feet in the final seconds of the game and applauded both teams and the old building and everyone around and therein. If you stayed until the clock read 0.0, you deserved it.

We deserve to be disappointed after this loss, because we know what our men are capable of and we hate to see them not quite live up to their potential.
But consider this:
For the first time since April 19, 2007 we will face a morning ahead of a hockey schedule featuring teams that aren't the Pittsburgh Penguins.
What this team has accomplished in the last several years has been indescribably amazing.
In 2005-06, in case you didn't remember, the Pens went 22-46-14. Yes, you read that right.
In 2007 they made the playoffs.
In 2008 they had a magical run to the Finals, and we all believed, though those of us that had taken time out of our lives to understand the game of hockey and the workings of an NHL season (and the mercurial tendencies of the hockey gods) knew that before you win anything in a meaningful way, you have to suffer for it.
And so the Red Wings raised Stanley on Mellon Arena ice, the only Cup ever to be raised under the dome--the rickety seats and sticky floors have seen enough champions and legendary names to fill a book, but only one Cup.
And that was the battery acid in the Pens' veins that took them back to the Wings to raise Stanley in 2009. Against any other team, it would have been great. But that series, against that team?
Like we said when it happened, Hollywood couldn't have made it more perfect.
Last year, everything was right, even when it was wrong--the late winter's drama of the coaching change and being desperate to even squeeze into the eighth seed made the victory that much more fucking cinematic. We did it.
Maybe this year, everything was wrong, even when it was right. The fact that Sid was a beast, that our supporting cast was generally flying around like madmen (Dupes, Rupper, etc.) and Jordan Staal's defensive work finally got recognized in a Selke nomination.
We all know that in this series, the amount of bounces that could have gone the Pens' way instead of the Habs' to turn the tables completely could be counted on one hand. It was close.
Right, but wrong.
Can't win it every year. The hockey gods have other things in mind.

When Brent Johnson took to the net and made the huge saves he needed to make, you felt the comeback.
We almost had it.
But someone let that little fucking shithead Brian Gionta do something again:
Damn.
Moving along. . .

Ted Leonsis got a lot of shit for saying that the Caps had arrived earlier this season over some completely meaningless thing that we can't remember and never constitutes "arrival" in anybody's book.
Rightly so.
We, however, can confidently say without getting shit from anyone that matters that the Pens, despite losing in the semis this year, have "arrived" in the sense that they've actually won something and proven that they are a perennial playoff contender with the potential to not only make the playoffs, but go home with the Stanley Cup.
We know what they're capable of.
This might be another tough offseason, but our core remains intact.
And say what you will about the Pittsburgh Penguins:
They helped to make the game exciting in a post-lockout NHL with an uncertain future.
They're a great team.
They wrote an amazing script for the world of hockey these past few years. They're an exciting team to watch. They've been dominant.
It's no wonder people are sick of us. They've been everywhere lately.

Not only that, but they are like a second family to many of us. It's basically a known fact that the Penguins locker room is one of the best environments in all of sports. These guys are pretty much all buddies who care about each other during the season and their friendly attitudes rub off on us. When guys like Brooks fucking Orpik (whose gaze usually sears flesh) stay after the last playoff game to sign autographs for way too many crazy people clogging up the sidewalk on Centre Avenue, you know something special is going on.
They give us a lot.
And if you're a Pens fan in Pittsburgh, you know that you could always head to the arena, and there was a good chance some of your friends would be there, too, to cheer on the same team, the same second family.
If you were there tonight, you're still half-deaf.

We're probably going to stay away from the hockey media for a few days, except for like, Pensblog. We recommend you do the same if you don't want to see people ramming Halak's dick down their throats.
Or maybe you do.
You can still watch a little hockey. Pick your teams, folks. Take a look at your fantasy rosters. Make some new friends. Have a picnic.
For the first time since April fucking 19th, 2007. . .

For the team, for everyone who is proud to be a Penguins fan across the world.
For Pittsburgh, because we know that it's the best city in the world (because we don't feel the need to cause massive civil disturbances every time someone on one of our sports teams takes a shit), and that our hockey team is top notch.
Have a good summer, boys.
Rest up.
You've been busy a long, long time.
We're disappointed, but we're not mad.
Because we know:
We'll be back.
Hold on to your fucking hats.

Remember what they say: there's no shortcut to a dream.
It's all blood and sweat, and life is what you manage in between.

Thank you also to YOU, the readers of PH, for making this season that nearly ripped our lives apart memorable, rewarding, and glorious.
Our love for you is so boundless that it's probably kind of creepy.
But you're our favorites.
Thank you.

GO PENS.

and a P.S.
only player to come out of the arena with his beard still in full bloom?
Maxime Talbot.
word

late edits:
1. Be sure to check the new banner, it represents our souls.
2. If there wasn't a little jobbing of the opposing team in this post, we wouldn't be good Pens fans. And Montreal riots are stupid. Not arguing over that point.
go pens

.

2010-05-12T22:02:00.002-04:00

No one season is ever the end.
There is always a fresh start to be had, there is always a future.
Mellon was bookended by Habs wins?
So fucking what. She hosted some of the best players that the ice has ever seen. She played home to hockey history. She was where Mario Lemieux grew his wings and where Sidney Crosby grew up. Fuck single games, trophies, all that shit. She saw practices, she saw playoffs, she showed us the road to the Cup enough times that we will remember her forever as our home. She was where the sweat and blood was. She was the behind-the-scenes, the reason we could win those Cups on the road.

Consol will be bookended by Cups. One for us, one for our children, and plenty for both in between. And then, well, Lemieux Gardens will see a Cup every goddamn year, as any sane person would suspect.
Dry your tears.
Our team needs a rest.
We have fought and struggled and now it is time for rest.
Next year we will win the Cup back.
The year after, we will defend it.
And as always, the Pens are never losing again.

Go Pens.

the aftermath: the mind of Max Talbot.

2010-05-11T21:57:00.006-04:00

These notes collected from the field in the hours after the Game Six loss of the Pittsburgh Penguins to the Montreal Canadiens, from the subject Maxime Talbot. All original statements have been preserved, be they broken or entirely incomprehensible. We can neither confirm nor deny that these statements are authentic, nor that they even exist. Let your heart decide. Proceed with caution.

HOUR 1
Tried to undress, got lost somewhere between my elbow and shoulder pads. Couldn't find MAF for traditional after-game conference. The Penguin emblem on the floor is staring at me, watching my every move, judging. Have the walls always been this color? I think GoGo is talking at me but all I can hear is the roaring of my soul escaping through every orifice.Will the sun ever rise again over this great nation?

HOUR 2
Found MAF and Brent lost in the runway trying to conference call John Curry from Lapierre's winning puck. Tried to help them back to the locker room, instead ended up in the parking lot. Had to walk back inside before the screaming became too loud. The female security guard at the door groped me as we walked back inside. I tried to take a look at at her breasts but the sudden smell of breakfast food overwhelmed me into blindness.
She then whispered in my ear;
"It's all in your mind, Max."
I didn't know if she meant the breakfast or the screaming.

HOUR 3
Made it to the bus. I saw TK fogging the window with his breath and drawing something. A pony, no doubt. Its name was EM PLEH, spelled in all caps 'neath its prancing hooves. I wondered if he had an uncle em pleh. I might have, once.
Malks is screaming into a telephone and I can't catch much. I listen for "Красивые туфли, хочешь ебать", one of 7 useful Russian phrases I have learned in my time here.
Apparently, however, no one has nice shoes and no one wants to fuck.
I fear the worst thing has happened. I can't be too sure just now, as I'm not yet sure what that is.

HOUR 4
We have reached the hotel. I found my bags, with some help from Billy G. He seemed incredibly aware of what was happening around us, so I tried to ask him for some instruction. Before I could reach out to grab his shoulder he disappeared through the door in the corner of the room.
I must find him before dawn.
I must find what he knows.
Right after I find the alcohol.

HOUR 5
Fleury is at the minibar, still wearing his mask, telling a transvestite that being the person he wants to be is a beautiful thing. He slams his palms down on the faux mahogany (I've got the real shit on the front of my house) as he repeats the words; bea-utiful thing, bea-utiful thing! There is a man in the corner of this room wearing a porkpie hat and numerous fat rings; he speaks no English or French save to insist that he is my chauffeur, my loyal chauffeur. This rum tastes expensive, at least.

HOUR 6
My chauffeur is smoking a cigar while leaning up against his green '98 Ford Windstar, watching Fleury and I in silence. Marc has still not taken off his goalie mask. We are crying on our knees in the middle of a Taco Time parking lot, clutching one another, brought to the lowest imaginable depths by this day. Mercedes, the Ibizan stripper we got through Chelios' guy in Montreal, does a line of coke off of the truck and hands the chauffeur a slip of paper, looking somewhat quizzically at the two of us, sobbing in manly solidarity. Through the whiskey haze, a thought comes to me, slowly. "Marc," I whisper, choking back manly tears. MAF looks up at me helplessly, like a puppy that's been hit with too many speeding masses of plastic. "Marc, call Veronique. It's like 4 in the fucking morning, dude." I see that he manages to get back into the lobby and then look at my chauffeur, still propped up against the van. "Take me somewhere where I can still get a drink."

HOUR 7 (Maxed Out)
I had not noticed before, the brass cage in the passenger seat, that it had a small hummingbird who was trying to tell me a Secret all along. I cannot understand this secret; I am not a fucking bird. I once did a girl who had pictures of birds on her bedroom walls, back in my salad days. The fact of the birds changed nothing about my performance, which was stellar. Remember when I scored those two goals, game 7, the Red Wings? (That's what I said while I Superman-ed her in the room with the birds. I have slept with thousands of women, leaving the possibility of billions of women more to sleep with.)

My chauffeur does not respond to requests to know the bird's name, replying instead by motioning to the cooler in the back of the van stocked with an appeasement of white wine and Breakfast Breaks,© which is apparently like Lunchables for children whose mothers don't believe in God. I feast gratefully all the same, slowly losing consciousness as my chauffeur turns off of the highway. I can hear myself mumbling, "Fuck the Canadiens, man. Just fuck em." My chauffeur makes a noise that I know to be agreement. I am blessed to have such a loyal chauffeur.

We are back at the Holiday Inn. I wonder if I will find Billy G.

HOUR 8
Billy G has found me instead; he was waiting on the purple couch in the lobby. He has cuts on his face and, I can't be sure, but I think he is missing a tooth he wasn't missing four hours ago. I ask what has happened and he tells me to only open my mouth if I have given up all will to live.
I contemplate if feeding the goldfish is worth living for, but he speaks before I come to a conclusion.
"Max. Drink from this."
I take the bottle, not questioning, familiar with its contents. Billy G takes me by the shoulders, and shakes. Everything starts to clear. I wonder where I have been, how long it has been this way, who my chauffeur was and where my wallet has gone.
I imagine the last two would be answered at nearly, if not exactly, the same time.
"It's IN THE AIR, Max. It's your fucking Canadian air. It's turned on us."
I gasp. Suddenly it's unclear again.
"Drink more. It helps. Sid is getting some of the others. It's been difficult. We just have to make it to the morning when we board the plane."
I poke the snake from its previous position blocking the liquor. I drink.
Clarity.
"Follow me."

HOUR 9
We stumble into a room at the back of the hotel, somewhere behind the kitchen. Everyone is there, even Marc. His mask is on the frozen ground next to him, and I realize it is cold. We are in the walk-in freezer. Gonch is standing next to me, shaking his head, muttering "Goddamn this country" for reasons I can't discern, but won't take offense to just now.
Sid is standing on a stack of boxes, wielding a meat hook, glaring at us.
A hush falls over the room.
"Did you think this would be easy?"
No one dares speak.
"I AM ASKING YOU, DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE EASY?"
A cough. A shuffle.
"You. Cookie. Did you think this would be easy?"
Cookie looks at his feet. There is a long silence. Sid glares some more. "I mean...it's the Habs."
Sid nods and turns to me. "Max, you? Did you think it would be easy?"
I squint. I may no longer be under the influence of Canadian air but I still have a base level of confusion to deal with. "Uhh...yeah, it was just the Habs."
"THIS WAS NOT A SERIES AGAINST THE HABS" Sid screams. He steps down to speak at our level. "This was a series towards the Cup. Which, if you've forgotten, we are DEFENDING. Is this the defense you give what you worked your life to earn, boys?"
Everyone stands, stunned.
"No. It isn't." It comes from the back corner of the room. We all turn. Brooks. "We fought to win this motherfucker, and we're fighting to keep it."
Sid nods. "We have one game left. One game to prove it all. This isn't a game agains the Habs, or against Canadian fanboys. This isn't against anyone. We aren't out here fighting because we hate something, we're out here fighting because we love something. This game is for Pittsburgh. For the Stanley Cup. One game, for Curry, for Country, for our fans, for ourselves. For Mellon fucking arena."
The room falls into dead silence.
"For Mellon Arena," Rupp agrees.
"For Mellon Arena," Kunitz.
I get into the spirit. "FOR MELLON FUCKING ARENAAAA!" I expect the others to join in. Instead, there is another hush, this time as the freezer door opens and a suited man walks in.
"For Civic Arena."
Mario smiles, and nods towards Sid.
Sid smiles, nods back, and in unison we all scream; "FOR CIVIC ARENA"

HOUR 20
Back in my own bed. Tremendous hangover. No recollection of returning. MAF is on my sofa. He stumbles over to the refrigerator and finds nothing but some expired gourmet mustard. He vomits on his shoes, in a noncommittal way. I start laughing so hard that fruit punch comes out of my nose. It is Tuesday. It is unlikely that any of my goldfish are still alive.
While many events in the past 20 hours remain unclear, such as the blinding headache, the small number "2" written on my right foot, and the tooth I found in my pocket, I remember the moment in the meat freezer with resounding clarity.
MAF looks over at me as I try to separate marshmallows from cereal.
"For zee Mellon."
I nod, now understanding my duties completely.
"For the Civic."
Tomorrow, we march forward.

It's time we remember what it's like to fight.

Special thanks to Jon (Grower of The Official PH Playoff Beard) for his writing skillz and general contributions, and to TheGoonBlogger fo his wisdom and input.

Go Pens.

It has begun.

2010-05-11T09:18:00.005-04:00

STAY TUNED BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
OR, AS IT SO HAPPENS, MAYBE WITHIN 10-15 MINUTES OF MIDNIGHT
THE DAY'S EVENTS ARE STILL UNWINDING
Sometimes our lives are ending.
Sometimes we just need time to rally the troops.
Stay tuned. Tonight.
Shit's about to get inspirational up in here.

you wouldn't believe what i've been through

2010-05-10T16:51:00.002-04:00

Sorry no post yesterday. Yesterday the Canucks told the Blackhawks to stfu for a hot second:
The Blackhawks, while not taking kindly to this message, definitely still have something to prove.
It's still a series, kids.

Also, Shane O'Brien:
Byfuglien's stick decided to be fat and get him in the face. They put some glue between his eyes, stitched him him, and he played the rest of the game with no visor, no shield. Good boy.

Tonight, our boys are in Montreal.
Everyone's still waiting for Sid and Geno to have a signature night.
In a conversation with some of our advisors, we recalled that Malkin as Conn Smythe winner really wasn't 100% evident until his hat trick in Game 2 of the Canes series. And even then, a bad Finals would have thrown the whole thing into question.
Who's Conn Smythe this year?
Maybe tonight's performance will help.

Philly@Boston tonight too.
The general consensus is "let these two beat the hell out of each other; then we can have at the one who bleeds less."
Whatevs.
GO PENS.

washing the filth off of the devil's hide

2010-05-08T21:45:00.008-04:00

The Pens did everything right and came through with a win tonight.
Montreal played a good game, to the point that the Canadiens are capable of playing a good game, but it was pretty obvious that in both work ethic and talent they were outmatched this evening.
If it weren't for Halak's general solidity since Game 1, the Habs probably aren't in this.
That, and Mike Cammalleri thinking that he's a hockey player.
The Pens have a chance to end these shenanigans on Monday. Spring in Quebec is still pretty chilly. You know, like in the D. We'd try to keep it that way, but the Habs fans will probably light something on fire to keep warm.

Whatever.

The second-best moment of the first was when Mike Rupp managed to get a puck like, inside Halak's helmet and hit him in the ear. Not funny if he gets hurt, but funny since he got over it like a man, and stayed in the play like respectable hockey players do.Maybe it was a spell for dispersing Slovak Magic.
The real reason that the collective Ukraine Train was made to sit was that the energy fields were getting mixed up.

Fleury makes a few good saves. Halak makes a few too. When Josh Gorges does something stupid, the Pens PP takes the ice.
No one hits the net for about a minute. Malkin starts charging around, sends the puck to Letang. Letang sensually blasts the puck past Halak for the official Best Moment of the Period.
KTang sends an arrow to the stars, much like Luc Bourdon used to do.
We're also dedicating this goal to PH Staff Member and Unicorn Advisor Allison, because we can.
If you shine a blacklight on that goal celebration, believe it or not, this is what you see:

Bullseye.
Kunitz takes some other penalty at the end of the period but it's whatevs.

The second is the Evgeni Malkin Demolition Company bringing in the wrecking ball. Shift after shift he's having all kinds of sex with the puck. Halak keeps his erection long enough to stop him. But he went all soft when Malkin banged around for awhile and made some room for Letestu to thread it back to the point.
Orpik to Gonchar to FUCK YOU.
The crowd spends the rest of the period remembering last season's Conn Smythe performance from Malkin. There were shades of it.
Blahblahblah Pens get a PP. Not much happening on that.

You feel comfy heading into the third, and with good reason: the crowd is in it, the boys are in it.
Early on a Letestu vs. Halak moment moves in slow motion. You think it's a goal. But Halak's glove has other ideas.
It happened so fast no one even took a picture. Sucks.
Both teams play all kinds of defense. Letang makes the kind of strong plays and shot-blocking that have the ladies everywhere salivating.
Montreal pressures a little but it's whatevs.
On a power play and with the net empty, Mike Cammalleri jizzes one in with about 30 left.
It's whatevs. We had some of our agents look at the goal and they informed the Canadiens that it was meaningless.
Can you spot the ominous object in this photograph?
Habs should've known they were done for.

Fleury with another bounce-back game.
epic jobbing of Gomez
epic jobbing of this puck
As Mark Eaton displays, there are moments when the Epitome of American Heroism can merge with the Quebecois.
We have no hatred for Quebec, Montreal, or their people.
In the unforgettable words of Ilya Bryzgalov, it's hockey, you know? It's only game!
We have a fucking hockey team to beat.
We have unicorn power, championship goaltending, and all kinds of wrecking crew members lurking in the wings. Craig Fucking Adams especially was owning the world today.

Finish it.
Monday.
GO PENS.

a P.S. for San Jose, currently tied with Detroit at 1 near the end of the 2nd:
Finish them
Go Sharks.

LATE EDIT:
GOODNIGHT
DE-TROIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~_~_~!!~~!~~~~!!!!!!!
San Jose stepped up, Detroit didn't. Fuck the haters.
For all of those moments when the hockey media said not to count the Wings out even though they were playing like petulant children.
Joe Thornton is hoarse and creeping on Lindsay Soto on Versus and it's sexy as balls.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
So cold in the D.

And now the Sharks enter the ring of Potential Enemies. Sorry lads.
GO PENS.

it's as the gods willed it

2010-05-08T03:43:00.003-04:00

Boston wasn't going to sweep Philly. Just wasn't going to happen.
And we needed another OT winner from somebody whose life had been ruined to make these playoffs more touchy-feely than they already were.
Shit, Simon Gagne. Just whatever.

This game can also be remembered for its continuation of a stunning playoff performance by the Recchin' Ball.
Oh Mark Recchi.
We want you and your beautiful soul.

Canucks has a sad.

Tazer has a happy.

A late acknowledgment on our part of the issue that is Dustin Byfuglien.
Basically he is an idiot and a fatass.
The thing is, he's neither Osgood Fat nor Rick Nash Fat. We don't know what kind of fat he is. Has he made his own kind of Dustin Byfuglien Fat?
Help us out.

Tomorrow is Game 5 at Mellon Arena, an important chance to get ahead in this series.
INVISIBLE CLUTCHING AND GRABBING
We can break him. Play with confidence. Traffic around the net. Desperation.
We cut our teeth on desperation.

What else to say?
Get it done.
Tie series are not things we like to see, unless we're the ones who came back to tie them.
Oh, and San Jose better get it done, too, or there will be hell to pay.

Fuck the comebacks we didn't authorize.
GO PENS.

sometimes we need to relax.

2010-05-07T00:07:00.008-04:00

The playoffs are still on.
The war is pending.
Let's take a breath before we have to go into full-on battle mode.There. Don't you feel better now?

Srsly though, we're back at square one again. And to be honest, we weren't too fuckin' worried at square one.

Are you taking deep breaths?
Look at that jacket. Wtf.

We all need to relax and have another drink and just take this time to focus all of our energy, sort all of our lucky clothes, and prepare our most biting insults for Habs fanboys. The big guns may have to come out soon.
Let's take advantage of the calm and prepare for the storm.
Hope for the best, prepare for the shitshow.

Eric Godard approves.
Do you have any idea how littered our hard drives are with absurd photos? We could fill books and books.

Anyway, START STORING YOUR POWER.

Cappy will come out of the so-called "slump" he has been in and start tearing souls from the sniveling bodies of lesser men.
Remember the power.

Unlike Cappycakes, this post is half-assed, we know.
Talking about real things comes tomorrow, when the final papers of the semester have been turned in.
But this is what you need now.
Take it to heart.
We love you.

Go Pens.

more of the same

2010-05-06T01:55:00.027-04:00

One of these men had a hat trick:

He's the one with the face you make when you steal a 3 year old's ice cream cone.

Big Buff was moved to Jonny T's line and blossomed like the beautiful flower that he is. Twin Power was neutralized by La-Z Boy Levitation. Even Niemi was impressed, and he sees this shit in practice every day.

The librarian with the excessively seasonal tapestry engulfing her neck is my kind of gal. Face for the ages.

All five of the Blackhawk's goals were scored off rebounds. This was not Berto's night.

Hawks lead the series 2-1.

Bruins - Flyers was a shitshow. Too many parties, Leadership. Satan will show you how to get it done:

Yeah, buddy. Six game point streak, whaaa?

Philly is displaying an unexpected side effect of being forced to neglect shaving. They feel pretty, oh so pretty.

Upgrade:

I like what you did there, Arron. It's very understated with the black matte. Team color, natch. No bows, so they won't confuse you with the Ice Girls.

Downgrade:

Hartnell, you fat, fat, fat, fuck. This is not what Jack White had in mind when he sang Little Acorns. Your problems do not hide in your curls.

Vom.

JStaal had a full practice Wednesday.
7 PM: Mtl, can you feel the Justice?

GO PENS.

la belle exclusion

2010-05-04T22:45:00.003-04:00

start burning some shit down

Bill Guerin was out for Mark Letestu, and the Habs were playing some bizarre Lifetime movie music when the teams were supposed to be skating out, so you felt a little weird and magical but weren't sure why.
The game started out a little nasty. Letestu kept up with everyone. Malkin's line had a big shift.
Everyone was sucking PK Subban's dick.
Fleury is solid, Halak is meh.
The whole period is a lot of blahblahblah.

And the second was just a lot of bullshit.
Cooke was on a fucking breakaway AGAIN. Clearly the baby backhander he slid past Jaro wasn't going to go again.
I mean it is MATT COOKE.
CBC announcers sucked Halak's balls so hard.
IT WAS MATT FRIGGIN' COOKE.
If he didn't save it we'd be making fun of him.
RAM THE BALLS IN OUR THROATS A LITTLE TIGHTER PLEASE MR. HALAK SIR

The Habs started the Ole in the middle of the period for whatever reason.
Apparently they were inciting Bergeron to attack Matt Cooke. Matt Cooke dived like the asshole that he is, but Bergeron just attacked him more. Not a smart play.
blahblahblah penalties blahblahblah
oh Pens PP?
blahblahblah.

The Pens get another late PP in the second after being repeatedly Halak'd.
You think at the start of the third that this is just going to devolve. But, someone on the PP manages to take a piece out of the brick wall.
Oh, was that Malkin on the one-timer?
FOR THE HATERS.

The rest of the game is some solid defensive work by the Pens, some fail by the Habs, and Marc-André Fleury's own personal Pretty Party:
bamf

Habs Pretty Party:
BACK IT UP OVER HERE JARO

. . .oh.
Hal.
Did. . .did we come at an inopportune time?
click that please for the full effect. It really hits you somewhere between his waist and his shoulders that something is wrong.

The Habs blow some more.
Dupes gets nothin' but net.
It's 2-0.
And thusly 2-1.
Spite for Canada.
Fuck all of you.

The volume of Blingees that we get from men sometimes confuses us.

This one is by [Keith], whose balls are made of steel.
Get well soon, Uncle Jordy!

If we gave alternative stars in the playoffs, tonight they would be Mark Letestu, Tyler Kennedy, and Ian Lapierre for being a little bitch.

Detroit is down 3-0 in the series to San Jose.
It's a long road, isn't it, boys?

We'd say more, but more didn't happen.
Just ask these guys.

Onward we march.
Solid showing.
Nothing more to say.
Fleury = a championship goaltender.
GO PENS.

shit we would have told you if it weren't finals week and our lives weren't hard

2010-05-04T14:43:00.004-04:00

Boston got the 2-0 advantage on Philadelphia last night.
HI, THIS IS ANDREW FERENCE, DEFENSEMAN FOR THE BOSTON BRUINS
WHEN I GO TO WORK, I TAKE THE MILAN LUCIC
(LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH)
tears for philly waaah sad

Chicago evened the Vancouver series.
I still have a cactus at home named Roberto from last year so I don't know how I feel.

Jordan Staal skated today. Just chillin'. Like so.

HalPorn we stole from Empty Netters:
HI, THIS IS HAROLD PRIESTLEY GILL, DEFENSEMAN FOR THE MONTREAL CANADIENS
HAVE YOU TURNED ALL OF YOUR PAPERS IN ON TIME?

Also stolen from Empty Netters/the Post-Gazette are the general facts that Brian Gionta is a simple animal who just likes to play Yahtzee in the bathtub.

Also there will--repeat, WILL--be Fiji Water at CONSOL Energy Center. kthx
Hopefully Gary comes to visit.

Game later, ya dig?

GO PENS.

don't run, don't rush, just flow.

2010-05-02T21:32:00.004-04:00

Okay, so we need to have a little chit-chat here.
Gather round, boys.NOT LIKE THAT NO, OH MY GOD CAN YOU PLEASE CONTAIN YOURSELVES?
Anyone?
Can you look here plz?
Okay, this will have to do.

*ahem*
First of all, we still love you. Don't ever think otherwise, because we always love you.
Now, let's talk about this game.
We know there are hard days in life.
Sidney, we know that finding out that Santa was really just your parents being sneaky as sugarplums danced through your sweet little head a room away was difficult for you.
Tyler, we know that the first time someone tried to convince you - incorrectly, yes, but still - that unicorns were not one of the creatures that Curry put on this great earth, you were distraught all evening.
Marc-Andre, we know that it was rough when you discovered that Hawaiian Punch was not 100% real fruit juice.
Eric, we won't even mention the Tooth Fairy.
So, boys, when you played your little hearts out and seemed to do everything right, we understand that it was hard when you had to see the Habs leave the ice smiling.
You deserved more than that.
You deserved to see Cammalleri's head roll.

Now, don't get me wrong. You have to finish. You have to tighten the D a bit. You have to make sure you are at the top of your game all of the time, not just "a lot" of the time.

But some days, the bounces just don't go your way and there's little you can do about it other than pray to Curry and hope things get better next time.

In closing, good hustle. Things will get better if you just keep pushing and tighten up your game just a touch. We're proud of you, and you will do better next time.

Mwah, mwah. Talk to you later, after we've spoken to a few individuals about what privileges will be taken away should they win again.

Okay, now, Penguins fans. Gather round and listen up.
Sir, that does not look like the Penguins-approved "vegas gold" on your face. We hope you're ready to back up that color choice with fists, if need be. Though we appreciate the selections of MAF and Tanger. Future Lemangs in the making are always heart warming.

Anyway, we just had a short talk with the boys and we thought we'd come out and say some words to you, too.

We know no one is too distraught over this loss. We played well and just got some bad bounces, right? It's just the Habs, right?
Well, right, but also very, very wrong.
As Penguins fans, we aren't used to facing the underdog. But think about it; the Habs are rocking a small fairy-tale situation here. Knocking out the Caps and the Pens would be basically the most amazing thing that the Habs could do. Almost like the 2008 Penguins reaching the Stanley Cup Finals.
Like the 2009 Penguins winning the Cup.
Now, of course, the Habs are nothing like the Penguins. But don't you ever forget underdog appeal. Shocking, yes, but we are no longer the underdog.
We're obviously going to win the Cup and we can never lose sight of that, but we can never start thinking that it is just going to be handed to us.
Watching the guys play a game like they just did and lose to the Habs should be an awakening to this fact.

So, wipe that frown off your face, little man, but don't start smiling just yet. Let's get a determined look on that face and head into this like any other battle.

Thank you, and goodnight.

Now, for you, press. We really do appreciate such hilarious photos as this:
It's funny, cute, and nostalgic all at once. Very similar to the famed Gill v. Chad Larose photo.

Stop puffing out your chest there, press. We'd like to have a word with you about such atrocities as this:
WHO DID YOU THINK LOOKED GOOD IN THIS PHOTO.
You can take the photo, but you do not have to release it to the general public.
It is playoffs time. The players should be worried about playing gracefully and with determination, not focusing on making sure you don't get the wrong shot.
General rule of thumb; If they'd untag it on facebook, don't publish it.

Thank you.

And you...you sir...
On Tuesday, we're getting out the scissors to snip the thin thread from which you hang.

Be afraid.
Be very afraid.

Go Pens.

you won't fool the children of the revolution

2010-04-30T23:35:00.007-04:00

We'll allow the grammar fail here in the interest of greater things.
Which is to explain: when your forward lines have a scoring strategy other than "fly down the wing and shoot from the circles," goaltending takes on entirely new dimensions.
We like Jaro. He was good for Slovakia in the Olympics, and man has some talent.
But he was in the wrong zone to play the Pens tonight, and the Pens were in his head.

The opening minutes of this game were sleepy. Fleury got smoked less than five minutes in by P.K. Subban. The fuck kind of goal was that?
. . .whatever.
Obviously giving up the first goal repeatedly in hockey games doesn't phase us whatsoever.
The Canadiens decide to put the hammer down with their power play. . .
and, remembering the vaunted success of their PK against the top guns of the Washington Capitals, decided that Gionta tripping some fuckers was no big.
Russia and Ktang team up to change their tunes right quick, and it's 1-1. Gonchar's poise on the power play is seriously unmatched. Versus couldn't resist jobbing Ben Roethlisberger on-air about who the "best quarterback in Pittsburgh" is. We could have told you fuckers that, jeez.
From then on, we started having our way with Montreal. Sadly, Andrei Markov went down awkwardly on a clean shoulder-directed hit from Matt Cooke:
Their days were numbered after that, let's be honest.
The annoying thing about this is that a.) we never like to see anyone really hurt, and b.) it means they can play for JUSTICE for the rest of the series.
Over/under on how many pissed off fanboys in Montreal who want Cooke's head?
Anyone?
Hit was clean.
Mark Eaton dropped the gloves to settle shit down after the Habs tackled Mattie. Wasn't classified as a fight on the scoresheet, but it definitely calmed everything to the point that the violence of the game was translated to hockey plays and not headhunting.
Solid playoff move.

Jordan Staal waltzes into the slot late on a PP that came out of that scrum.
That dude behind Staal looks like the Mouth of Sauron.
How good is Montreal's PK supposed to be again?
2-1

Soon after Crosby lays a big hit on Josh Gorges. Momentum.

Early in the second, another PP, and Ktang sends it to the back of the net.
We'd show you a picture but there are for some reasons more pictures of Markov leaving the ice than there are photos of goals/goal celebrations.
Canadian media conspiracy, clearly.
What a pass by Crosby to set Letang up.
Montreal's PK is so good.
Right after the goal, another huge hit by someone not considered to be way physical when Ponikarovsky lays into O'Byrne.
All kinds of tone-setting going on.
Fleury makes some saves, both little and big, to keep the faith.
The big story of the night is that Jordan Staal fell down, limped to the bench, didn't return, and reportedly left the arena on crutches.
If Jordan Staal misses a game we start looking for Vogons in the sky.
ugh

But, moving along:
We'd show you Cammalleri scoring, but God hates him and no one took a picture.
Montreal fans get into some kind of Canadian hugging contest after the big goal:
THANK GOD

Never you mind. Let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet.
Matt Cooke, Pascal Dupuis, and Craig Fucking Adams set up a play. Cooke drops it back to Dupes who rockets it to Craigsy's tape and it ends up behind Jaroslav.
In the words of the Versus announcers, "That's hockey!"
The look on Adams' face says everything you need to know about what just happened.
Straight up pimp.
Halak is despondent.
Sorry boo. These things have to happen.

Early in the third, at the tail end of yet another power play, Crosby sends like Most Gorgeous Pass Part Deux to Alex Goligoski on the Whitney Play.
After the Pens pour it on some more everyone decides it's Carey Time:
He kept his team in it.
Talbot and Malkin both had breaks and missed.

Pens get some penalties and the Habs eventually capitalize via Brian Gionta.
It's still a two goal game.
But time is their enemy.
They pull Price eventually and the puck gets to Billy G:
Just a bunch of bros bro-ing out.
6-3
HAAAAAAAALLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK
Pens win.

What's that Jacques Martin?
Oh, were you looking at these GQ motherfuckers?
Check the banner in the background (click for full-size if you can't see it).
We have allies in important places.

And the battle has only just begun.
But really. . .100% on the PP? We're goin' crazy.
And if Staal is injured, we oughta go out there and win it for him. Man is a fucking 21-year-old battleship.
See you fuckers Sunday.
Woooooooooooooooo
GO PENS.

EDIT: Staal out for rest of season.
Torn tendon in ankle.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
balls
win it for Uncle Jordy, boys.
GO PENS

EDIT II:
Jordy is apparently day-to-day and TSN lied to us all.
S'okay.
GO PENS.

ooooh damn

2010-04-29T18:29:00.003-04:00

So, we all know what happened to the Caps.
We don't have much to say. It's all been said, and eloquently, all over the Internet since the win happened.
We could make a list of everything that is wrong with the team, the franchise, and its players. We could make fun of its fans.
But it's been done.
We think that the performance of our team over the past several seasons has spoken for itself, and it's nights like last night that make us proud to be Pens fans.

Guess who's coming to Mellon Arena tomorrow?
The Montreal Canadiens.
The Flyers and the Bruins will have it out up here in my third-home of Boston, Massachusetts, and the city of Montreal will turn its eyes on Pittsburgh.
So far, the magic of the playoffs is paying off for us.
You know what this means?
fanboys

Jaroslav

Harold Priestley

Rest assured, the Penguins will still need to get to their game.
Getting through Halak won't be the hardest thing in the world, but it won't be easy, either. He has at least a little Slovak magic left in the tank.
Montreal's offensive lines aren't awesome, but they can still score.
Their defense blocked all kinds of shots versus Washington and Ovechkin's shot is still one of the best the game has ever seen--so if they're in it mentally, we still have our work cut out for us.
We saw Ottawa win Game 6 this way--by blocking shots. So the boys just have to take more than they can block, crash the net, and get creative. That's how you win in the playoffs.

And by outlasting.
Bring it, Habs.

In addition, Detroit is in San Jose tonight at 9PM.
If someone doesn't take care of those old Swedish bastards, we'll do it, but really. . .Go Sharks tonight.
Fuck Detroit. We're still pissed about the Coyotes.
Whatevs.

See you back here tomorrow for the next round.
Wooooo!
GO PENS

LATE EDIT:
oh yeah and Crosby got nominated for the Hart Trophy.
So did Ovechkin (wtf suspensions) and Henrik Sedin (omg Art Ross).
Forgot to mention it because it just seemed obvious the way he played all season that he should probably win it.
Henrik has a bigger chance to win it for the numbers, or Ovechkin for his reputation as "passionate."
And let's not forget the President's Trophy.
Or the fact that Mike Green was nominated for Norris (joke).
Dave Tippett for Jack Adams.
Bryzgalov for Vezina.
JStaal for Selke.
blahblahblah regular season accolades are just something to look at on your shelf when you don't have the Cup

We'll see what happens.
once more,
GO PENS.

coldest story ever told

2010-04-28T18:40:00.022-04:00

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is... not won.

This game was a heartbreaker. It started out with such hope and turned into a blur you watch through your hands. We even got Bertuzzi'd.

Best summed up by this photo:

Bryzzzzzzz!!!! Nooooooo.....

He tried so hard. Shane couldn't play and has a Grade 3 shoulder separation, which means his shoulder is completely out of the joint. Keith Yandle made like Shane's shoulder and peaced the fuck out. The rest of the D went looking for him. Somehow we were outshot 50-33. 0 for 5 on the power play. It goes on and on....

Kudos to the Why So Serious kid. Only thing that made me smile all night.

Wings are on to play the Sharks.

Curry I hope they get fucking killed.

It was a beautiful dream, a Cinderella story, all that shit. I leave you with this beautiful and articulate blonde child who represents my hopes and dreams. Shaaaaaaaaaane:

Habs FTW. Fuck Ovechkin.
Go Pens.

good news everywhere.

2010-04-26T23:05:00.006-04:00

Sharks advance despite all odds. We're ecstatic for the boys and hope that they kick ass all the way to the finals, where they will respectfully duck out to the Pens.
The Habs force a game seven. Can you imagine if they knocked out the Caps in the first round? Can you IMAGINE?
We're having dizzy fantasies about Ovie crying on the ice.
Fever dreams of Semin laying face down on a pile of dirty breezers.
Please, Curry, let it all be realized.
Boston sent the Sabres packing.
We're pretty eh about it.

The Hawks are up one over Nashville right now, for the series win. If the Preds win they force a game seven.

As we wait for the results of round one to keep rolling on in, we're having fun messing around with Blingees, playing Marry, Fuck, or Kill, and imagining how hockey players would react in certain social situations.
How would Jordan Staal handle career day at an elementary school?
What would Max Talbot do if a party ran out of cocktail shrimp before he got some?
Would Brooks Orpik jump from the swings or drag his feet to a slow and secure stop?

We're also carefully monitoring the slow growth of our surrogate playoff beard.
Meet Jon.
He is an honorary Penguins fan.
When Jon had to decide between PH staff not shaving their legs for the entirety of the playoffs and growing a beard on our behalf, he made some wise executive decisions. He knows enough about hockey that we feel comfortable letting our beard grow on his face. If you ask him how Varlamov feels about American women or why Hurricanes fans hate Brooks Orpik, he can let you know, and he's learning more every day.
He also has pretty impressive bed head.

Let us know what you're up to.
Oh, and do feel free to share your beards, surrogate or otherwise.

go west

2010-04-25T11:58:00.000-04:00

Coyotes force game seven in Arizona against Detroit.
Detroit was pulling their shit, looking dangerous when they skated into the zone and acting like they knew what they were doing, being "veterans" and all that crap, but Phoenix played defense on them AND played offense on them. Howard was a hack. And they just got worn down. It was beautiful.

Abdelkader flipped his shit like a seventh grader on at least two separate occasions.
And Bryz played too fucking solid for the Wings to handle.

I put myself on Blingee duty before the game, and it did not fail:

ftw

The Canucks have moved on:
We admittedly paid no attention to what was going on over here.
JQuick and his Medieval Porno Helmet got Loo'd.
Good job by everyone. Good to see LA in the playoffs, maybe next season, blahblahblah.

Chips are fallin' where they may.
Some await opponents, others just pray they can survive.
Gonna be wild.

GO PENS.

if i had to give you something, then i think i'd go to hell

2010-04-24T22:24:00.008-04:00

One of the fun things about being a Pens fan is that they always surprise you.
The Penguins have shown resilience over the past several seasons. Their ability to win in almost any situation has been astounding, and their road mentality is absolutely what has sent them to the Stanley Cup Finals for the past two years. We saw it again today. We saw a little team unity go a long way. Regardless of talent, without the necessary atmosphere and mentality on a very personal level, a championship just isn't as sweet, and the battle level doesn't increase as much.
The Pens have a core of guys that has been together for awhile. They know how to go on the road together and put together a solid performance, even after the opposing team put together their best effort of the season in Mellon Arena the previous game, even after the big heartbreaker--the Penguins knew how to get it together eventually and eke out this win.
The battle level showed up tonight.
And it's going to have to stay in the tank.
Because there are still 12 more wins to a Stanley Cup. And in case you forgot, it's not ours anymore.
12 more to bring it home.

Have you ever been glad to not be somebody? We're glad to not be these bitches:
Do you really want to look like a worthless slut in body paint for a team that pays Andy Sutton to do a bad impersonation of what it would be like if Wade Redden and Chris Pronger had a retarded child?
Sorry.

Matt Cullen scored on a breakaway in the first:
Let's be honest, everyone was a little worried.
The Pens looked like they cared enough, but the sense for the puck didn't seem to be there.
Battle level.
"Marc-André, you are utterly absurd."

Fleury came up big after getting Cullen'd.
Just so much going on in front of the net.
Later, Rupp puts a puck in tight on Leclaire. The puck is on the line, and so is Leclaire's pad. About fifteen years later Toronto decides it's not a goal. Probably the right call. The video suggested that the puck likely crossed the line, but whether it went over completely or not was inconclusive.
We're pretty sure Rupper got one and that Leclaire's Hot Goalie Syndrome had no effect on #17.
But Toronto are assholes and they don't need to agree with the Hand of Justice that the Pens were reaching over the city of Ottawa this evening.
The Pens needed the period to end for this shit to get calmed down, for their minds to get together.
It did.
Cooke was given some ridiculous charging call at the end.
But survival is key.

Then the second started. We kill the power play but Chris Neil takes a dump on Kris Letang and chips a puck over Fleury:

We like the mood lighting in this shot.
It was a dump but it was a romantic dump.
Crosby spends about 4 seconds in the locker room with Chris Stewart. If you're smart you took a shot of something at least 100 proof, but he was back and taking shifts soon enough.

Then the Penguins start running around.
Defense was brutal.
Alfredsson:
What a weird picture.
Let's not dwell on this.
Cause Matt Cooke did not, and neither did anyone else.
They went to the net and got a goal:
so many humans, and Matt Cooke got a stick on it.
3-1
We're back.

Shortly thereafter, the Sens think that they have another goal, but general shenanigans take place which involve Fleury being taken out of the play and the net coming off the moorings.
It is ruled that the net was off when the puck crossed the line.
Correct call based on the overhead view and the net-cam view. Matt Cullen was sparkling all over the paint and tried to push the puck in with his hand?
"The blush on your cheeks is lovely."
Shut up Matt Cullen.
There's a penalty on the play.
The Pens kill it, because they have to.
The late period push features some more hardcore pressuring from little Chris Conner, which we appreciate.
But not there yet.
The third will come.

On the power play, Bill Guerin rips one.
You felt that one coming in the deepest recesses of your heart.
The press didn't and neglected to photograph it, apparently.
After that goal, the doubters started biting their lips a little.
Andy Sutton just runs at Malkin and continually sticks his stick between his legs long after the play has moved away.
Stunning levels of insolence from Andy Sutton. He was getting pissed. He probably knew in that moment that his team was going to lose.
Play moves back to the Sens zone. After a faceoff, Matt Cooke just makes a beeline for Leclaire.
Leclaire gets out of position after a shot from Mark Eaton who was just taking over the world today, let's be honest.
The hugs surround:
The Pens continue to pour on the pressure, but Leclaire is still trying to convince himself that he's not a joke.
Overtime arrives.

And we feel a little something in our guts.

The Sens get their chances on Fleury, who looks calm and collected.
He's tending goal against neighborhood kids in his driveway, it's all good.

Mark Eaton rushes a puck deep. Senators fear his Wilimington, Delaware poise.
Keeps some guys occupied so Staal can dig it free. Gets it to Dupuis.
Pascal rips it past Pascal.
don't cry Jesse Winchester someone will buy you a cake
Nick Foligno. . .you can cry. Dick.

PENS WIN
4-3 OT
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

We felt it, we wanted it, we scratched our way to the surface in this game.
That mentality will serve us well.
[TP] again answered the call for Blingee on Twitter:

[Nicole G]'s test can't be scored because she didn't answer the prompt:

Solid effort by Leclaire though.

Tonight's unsung hero:

4 wins down.
Au revoir, Senators.
kthxbaittyl

Now. . .who's next in line?

on the ropes

2010-04-24T16:58:00.003-04:00

We don't usually do a Game Day post, but the boys might need a little something extra. It's an elimination game again for the Ottawa Senators. The Pens have their second straight chance to close out this series, and to do it yet again on the road. The Pens just have to want it more.

Blingees from earlier this series by [TP]:

Post your own in the comments.
For great justice.
This just needs to end.

GO PENS.

jesse winchester has a fat soul, pass it on.

2010-04-23T09:05:00.005-04:00

There's only one thing more devastating than losing in triple overtime when winning the first round hangs in the balance, and that's losing in triple overtime when your season hangs in the balance.
No one on the Penguins side of things had any reason to think that this game would be easily won and we'd be moving on to round two. Fighting for the season brings out the best in the team, and the Sens really did their part.
This man is now Public Enemy #1.
Leclaire really showed up in this game and we're going to have to tread carefully Saturday, because should the Sens and Leclaire take this win to heart and generate some spirit in the way we've seen the Pens do it in the past, we have some things to be seriously worried about.
But should the Pens take over, the Sens fans can fondly look back on their game five the way we look back on the 2008 SCF game five. Not quite the same things at stake, but a spirited and exciting run nonetheless.
But let's not put a bow on this for the Pens just yet. We have a lot of work to do.

Still, let's not indulge the naysayers. Our team put up a bitchin' effort. There's no other way to get into third OT. Let's think about the silver lining.

Until Kris Letang put one home at the end of the first period, all those watching were starting to doubt that this would even be an OT decision. We could have been on track for the Sens to blow us out of the water with desperation play but then Bill Guerin stepped in the a one timer that was blocked and floated to Letang as if on a ship of dreams. Just like the vodka you can't afford due to the crushing burden of student loans; top shelf.
Chris Kunitz tied it up in the second, though not without some issues. Review was sent to Toronto to see if the puck crossed the goal line before or after the net was dislodged.
Maybe it's all that love we showed Vesa when he was there, maybe it's luck, or maybe it's simply the fact that when viewing hockey on multiple huge screens at different camera angles in slow motion it's kind of easy to know what's up, but Toronto send back word and it's a tie-up for the Pens.

Sid took the lead in the third with one of those "only Sidney Crosby" moments. Press photography had a field day with the ensuing dog pile of joy, and Zack Smith cried and cried.
While we were hoping they'd hang on to the lead to the end, maybe run up the numbers if they got bored, Peter Regin got Pens fans off their feet and back into their seats by making it a tie game once again.

Overtimes were excruciating to watch before they won, the Sens scored but had it called off thanks to a distinct kicking motion. Other than that, it was quiet for a while other than a Malkin post shot that we don't want anyone mentioning ever again, because it hurts.
Third overtime was a mix bag. Sometimes players looked alive, other times hits were like watching a five year old with no skating abilities just run into the rink wall to stop.
I swear we caught players, several times, just staring at something before realizing the game was still happening. At times, everyone looked like they just wanted to die. Regardless, there were bursts of energy. Kunitz and JStaal especially hung on to their livelihood and really capitalized on their ice time.
We were really just as able to win this game as the Sens. It came down to the luck of the draw and who was just a hair more motivated by that time, and that just so happened to be the Sens.
So, as much as we wanted to see handshakes last night, it looks like Saturday is going to be our next shot at it.

Naysayers beware.
We are out for blood on anyone who has a negative thing to say about this man.
And no, we don't mean Jesse Winchester, who you can start making fun of right now for everything from his hair to his name to the way his uni makes his ass look.
In fact, I think we might blame a lot of the bad things on him from now on just because he thought it was his right to be in this photograph.
Fuck you, Jesse Winchester, you will never be loved.
But as for MAF, he played his little heart of gold out. Maybe not yet the MAF we're used to seeing in the playoffs just yet, but the man needs some warm-up time. Lay off. He's our hero.

The Pens haven't won this series yet, nor have they lost it yet. Everyone gets all jazzed up and has to head to the extremes like that, but in reality, there's a lot of hockey to still be played.
Of course we're winning the Stanley Cup, but that's a long road, so let's chill out a little, okay? Maybe the hockey Gods just knew I was throwing a dinner party on Saturday and wanted a hockey game to be the main focus so if my food turns out poorly no one will notice.
See how kind of them that was?

We're going to get through this with the FAITH and HOPE of the masses of Pens fans who are in this together, and the skillz brought to the table by the boys.
There's nothing to get all worked up over yet.
Just calm down, breathe, and repeat after us:
Go Pens.

gjsdafkds;afjsdla

2010-04-23T00:00:00.003-04:00

^ feelings

someone get Theoden in the locker room

OUT FOR JUSTICE
GO PENS.
more tomorrow.

those other people again?

2010-04-21T21:49:00.004-04:00

It is once again our offday obligation to touch on what is happening in the rest of the league.
It's almost like visiting the zoo.
We can observe their awkward movements and strange ways from afar, never having to dirty ourselves in their strange, strange lands.
Don't talk too loudly and, of course, don't tap the glass.

First up:
As if flinging feces for a living wasn't enough, The Wings decided that it was their job to beat both Ilya and Our Boyfriend Wojtek Wolski.
It was - for the record - not.
The series is now tied 2-2, so the boys have a chance to get it back. And we can only pray that they do it, because the Coyotes winning would be almost as thrilling as seeing the Wings sent home in the first round.

Next stop.
In the battle of Fat v. Fat, Fat won 4-1 yesterday. That particular Fat being Philadelphia.
We care less and less about this series the more it happens, just because we hate Uncle Daddy oh so much.
But now it's 3-1 in Philly's favor, so we're sure that means something to someone.
Our sympathy playoff beard is growing on the face of an individual who hails from Jersey so I guess we have to throw some lovin' his way.
Officially not rooting against the Debs.
We'll have photos of that beard as soon as the Pens finish up the Sens.

Just around the corner, past the picnic pavilions,
Wait, hold on. I'm not sure what the official PH position on this one is other than Versteeg looking like the gayest fairy to ever nance down the pike.
Let me check.
Okay, yeah, it's exactly what it should be. We're taking the position of "confused."
For me, this is rooted in the fact that all of my Blackhawks apparel is in a cardboard box back in Pittsburgh with large frowny faces that were drawn onto it in a fit of rage. It is not to be opened until a certain individual stops ruining one of my once-favorite teams.
The Preds store wouldn't open for us when we went to visit it in Nashville, but the arena did welcome us to a Professional Bull Riding event where cowboys tried to pick us up. We like it when NHL teams facilitate cowboy hookups, so really, what can we say?
Go Preds?
They're leading 2-1, so yeah, fuck it, go Preds.

And now, it's Timmy's favorite!
2-1?!?!?!?!
San Jose!
You tied a series!
It's really all we want for Christmas, for you to finally make it somewhere in the playoffs. Not too far, of course. We don't want to come to regret these words. But seriously boys, do it.
Not that we don't love the Avs and really respect them and wish the best for them, but we just want JoeJoe to do SOMETHING with his life other than suck at making toast and being a ventriloquist in NHL commercials.

Today, we've seen such lovely creatures as,
The Bruins took care of the Sabres today and now lead the series 3-1.
We wish Zoe's city cared more, but really, hockey interest is incredibly low for a city comprised solely of rich white people.
Sucks, because Johnny Boychuk's lookin' kinda fly here.
*shrug* Their loss.
Take it home, Bruins.

And lastly,
Suck us.
Hold on, Habs.
Win three games in a row.
Get 'em, Hal.

Right now LA is leading Vancouver by one. We don't really know what animal they would be, but probably something incredibly worthless.
At the end of the day, we all know who reigns supreme.
Honor.

Oh, and click here if you have ovaries and want to die squealing in a fit of delight.

Love it.
Go Pens.

snake river crossing

2010-04-20T22:06:00.017-04:00

This game was kind of like playing a game of 1992's Oregon Trail Deluxe to the end in one sitting.
Just brutal. Brutal but fucking rewarding, as long as you survive the raft journey near the end.

Before we set off from Independence, here is some business.
- Staal has been nominated for the Selke. BEAST.
- Phoenix had a 1-0 game in Detroit until the Wings started playing their shit. Wings win, series 2-2. Holy balls.
- Philly pwns Jersey.
- Nashville pwns Chicago.
- San Jose claws it out over Colorado.
Is all of that clear?

Did you pick KTang? He gets dysentery easily and needs taking care of, but check out this hit. The crowd knows the water in your casks is bad.

Awright, now, who did ya'll pick to be in your wagon party?
Did you pick Evs?
You should have, because after the period jobs around a bit the Pens got a PP. Gonch faked a beautiful shot, but Malks had a real beautiful shot, and it was 1-0.
Typical so far.
Nothing to be concerned about.

After that happens, Dan Potash decides to inject some life into my sad little heart by doing an intermission feature on Max when he was a teenager winning championships in the QMJHL with the Gatineau Olympiques.
So much beard happened to your television that you wondered when the next river crossing was so you could take a cold. . .bath. . .
We then zoom in dramatically on his team photo, sans beard, to cool down the action:
We are shown his former captain's stall like it is a fucking holy place of worship.
And then Max talks about becoming a man in the QMJHL and other bullshit and your sanity has effectively melted off of you.
You have a fever.
Stop and rest.
*whew*

The second period was just a festival of love and drama.
Early on Andy Sutton rubs Tyler Kennedy the fuck out and he never makes it back to the game.
We're going to have to start a club called "People Whose Lives Have Been Needlessly Fucked With By Andy Sutton."
Sidney Crosby gets some minibreakaway.
Like hunting buffalo on the plains.

Blink and Matt Cooke has done it too:
BULLSEYE BITCHES off a sexy feed from MaxTal and his current almostbeard

Crosby then burns Elliott again because he can.
Which means it's Leclaire time.
For at least tonight:Oh fuck we found some wild fruit:
Immediately after scoring Chris Neil goes insane and hits Tang in the back for absolutely no reason whatsoever. He was in his own goaltender's crease. . .he's allowed. Absurd sequence. Pens don't do anything with the PP. Leclaire and Zach Smith are on the assignment.
In the absence of TK we are rolling out the best line combos: Adams, Guerin, Mike Rupp. Most raucous Conestoga wagon EVAR!

Sens get some shit going and Alfredsson rockets one. 4-2
fuck no Daniel we do not want to spoon in the tent with you

The Pens find themselves shorthanded for about a year and a half. Crosby goes in for the hattie and is denied. Then Adams and Talbot team up to display their vaunted backhand plays and everyone in the entire fucking world is pregnant.
We'd show you a picture but it's even more birth control resistant than we expected.
Better take some Plan B, ladies.

Meanwhile the Pens take some more penalties and Matt Cullen decides to sparkle on them:
Okay whatevs, but the power of the Beard remains strong.
We couldn't find the specific Mountain Man from Oregon Trail Deluxe, but here is one we found on Google:
NOTE THE FILE NAME
HE IS FRENCH CANADIAN
MOVING ALONG

Kunitz
Spezza
Jordan "Selke Trophy Nominee" Staal:
It is 7-4.
Everyone freaks out and takes penalties.
Andy Sutton = stain on humanity.
HOOOOOOOOOO

3-1 series lead.
Now we must make our homestead in this new land.
BRING IT HOME BITCHES.

Our alternative stars tonight are the dudes with the ladder:
GO PENS.

i've got friends in every port

2010-04-19T18:29:00.004-04:00

So, while this guy works for NHL.com and definitely wrote this with the knowledge that his editors and the bigwigs in the League would jizz on it, this article totally rings true so far. These playoffs have been insane. Most everything is tied or close-to-tied, all bets are off, the matchups are close and talent is out the window: all that matters is if you came to play. There were some series last year that were just pure, unadulterated foregone conclusions: Habs/Bruins comes to mind. So does pretty much everyone the Wings played last year: but that was just because we were meant to take them.

This year is different, and we hate to say it, but we needed this dose of playoff hockey to wake us up.
This past season has been so different. We're not the team struggling to prove itself: we fucking proved ourselves. For a season. Being defending champions has such a different flavor than fighting tooth and nail to prove that you can even do it once.

No, the new theme:
We have to fight tooth and nail to prove that we can do it again.

And everyone's in the mix.
Washington and Montreal are in an epic battle. You'd think that Ovechkin would have remembered to play this series, but so far he isn't on the scoresheet. (Boyd Gordon is, who is apparently on loan from Egdon fucking Heath again.)
For most players, a goal and some assists into the third game of the series is great, awesome, nice, keep it up, buddy.
For Ovie it's basically a chokejob. Lucky for Caps fans that Backstrom is awake. And so is their vaunted "secondary scoring."
EDIT: he scored like 10 seconds after I posted this. I'll pretend he was reading my blog on his BlackBerry on the bench or something and was like BITCH.

Buffalo and Boston are battling it out.
Vancouver and LA will do the same later tonight.

How about last night in Denver?

If we could we'd have a sit-down chat with Dan Boyle and explain that these are probably the karmic consequences of being a total fucking creeper.
But, it is what it is, and the Avs lead the series, after a huge performance in goal from Craig Anderson.
Another example of the close games that we've been seeing. Who knows how that game could have ended otherwise. On a different fluke bounce?

Tomorrow, we have a chance to take a commanding series lead--the first of the postseason for anybody.
But it's just a chance.
Everyone has that chance at this point in the playoffs, especially these ones.
How does it feel to be chomping at the bit, just ready for that next go-around?
Dogfight.

GO PENS.

"hold still, the Penguins have a lot of work to do."

2010-04-18T21:12:00.006-04:00

We played about 88% of this game like we wanted to win it.
7% was spent forgetting how to skate and touching ourselves, forgetting that we were in the playoffs.
The other 5% happened at the beginning of the third when Maf's juice box got lost somewhere on the ice and everyone was pitching in trying to find it while also continuing to play the game.
The NHL has not yet established a stoppage of play rule for when juiceboxes get lost.
We appreciate the team effort, though.

Really, for a first round game three, we'll be content with 88%. Just remember boys, we go up from there.
Game three of a playoff series is always one of the most exciting.
You can head in two wins up, where you're looking to put a nail in the coffin before having a four game window to wrap your shit up.
You can head in two games down, fearing that nail being put into your coffin.
Or, as in this case, you're heading in tied, hoping like hell you're the one that can take the last chance for an early series lead before shit gets too real to catch your breath.
Games three, five, and seven really have an excitement advantage, just because of the numbers and situations that can head into them.
But really...it's the playoffs.
Every game is important.
Every game counts.

Which is why when Poni runs out of the gate and slams one home not two minutes into the first period of game three? We're rolling around on the floor screaming FUCK DA HATERZ.
That's the spirit it takes to win playoff games.

Zoe's mood was slightly dampened by the fact that she was struggling to get her feed in pop-out mode as to avoid the mind-numbing chat.
If you are not familiar with watching online feeds of NHL games, the game chats are really something special.
Around this time something titled Sabrina_5 asked the room "wats an icing call?"
Sabrina_5, the only way we make it through the days is by thinking that someday, somewhere, you will be eaten by a hungry pack of feral cats.
Don't believe us?
Here is a view of a Sharks vs. Avs chat, happening RIGHT NOW.
Try sleeping knowing that is going on.
We have to every day.

The refs in this game were being about as nonsensical as the Dodge commercial being narrated by Michael C. Hall during the breaks.
What, you aren't making bank enough being in some of the most popular television shows on air in the past ten years?
C'mon, man.

And hey, how about this guy?
AND THIS ONE?
I guess we've answered the question "Who's going to show up during the playoffs."

Also, can we get a "hell yeah" for MaxTal for setting up a gorgeous goal, and for just being a man in every way every time the playoffs roll around?
Seriously, the man is what this team feeds off of every time a game is do or die, and the press can't even take the time to photograph him.

Mark Eaton is an American Hero all around.
He took on Ruu to spare Tanger and possibly Malks, and in doing so made more girls back home drop their panties than Chad Michael Murray, Robert Pattison, and that little Bieber kid combined.
Sorry boys, us hockey ladies have better tastes.
While Eats what protecting our stars, Robert Errey said
"Not that mark eaton isn't the star, no disrespect Mr. Eaton."
Mark Eaton is indeed a star.
Good call, Bobby.

We'd mention this man, but Danny P let us know that someone already named their baby Guerin recently, so there's nothing we can really do to top that.

The Sens were playing mighty physical tonight. Luckily we had some backup.
Along with Brooks Orpik, who was a man possessed, we had Mattie, who was looking like a total sociopath.
Lols.

And of course, rockin' a 4-2 score in the third game, that means the Pens are officially leading a series in the 2010 playoffs for the first time.

We here at PH advocate staying stress-free during the playoffs, as we're sure you are aware. Faith is what gets us through the nights. And of course, as in last years Caps series, whiskey.
So, please, if you feel your blood pressure getting a little too high, feel free to blingee out your aggression at any point and send them this way.
We always love seeing them.

As you may know, we don't do award shows for the playoffs here at PH, because during the playoffs WINNING is your award, and the Cup is what you aim for.
But we've got you covered with the hope when you're down.
We're always here for you.

Also, we currently have a donor playoff beard growing on the face of an individual like our own manly Chia Pet. We'll do pictures at the end of the series so you can see what we're working with.
Next season we should do an adopt-a-beard feature of some sort for you ladies.
Hmmm. Another idea for the pile.
But, while we are working on some NEW AND EXCITING ideas and changes to make next season better than this one (which was a struggle at times, let's admit), we can't look any further ahead than the next game of this series.
Tuesday.
That is all that matters right now.

Get it done boys.
Go Pens.

P.S.- Keep it classy, Philly.

let's make it interesting

2010-04-17T19:52:00.006-04:00

Last night was rough for everyone.
Clearly Andy Sutton's life is hard:

No remorse. Stunning.

The incredibly sexy Ben Lovejoy has been recalled to be the seventh defenseman on-deck. McKee will likely see some time while JLeo recovers.
Clearly we wish him and his awesomeness an extremely speedy recovery.
And, like the rest of Pens nation, we look forward to the "OUT FOR JUSTICE" slogan to motivate our boys to a pair of road wins.

Last night was interesting. Henrik Zetterberg thought it was his god-given right to pee in Ilya's mouth:
It was not.
Coyotes have some business to attend to in the Joe.
We believe.
Tie series wtf.

Other-less-awesome-Ilya got a gift empty netter in the Devils game as the Flyers went to hell and back at the Pru:
Shit another tie series.

How about the Preds walking into United Center like they owned the place?
4-1 with Chicago's offensive ability is bizarre.
Goaltending is eternally Chicago's question mark.

Oh and the Sharks actually got something out of a pressure situation in OT:
Setoguchi got it done.
How interesting would it be if the Sharks didn't choke first round?
Would they just choke second round?

Today, the Bruins had heroes in the form of Michael Ryder and Zdeno Chara.
And a big time empty net performance by Mark Recchi:
Surprise: tie series!

Oh and Montreal's in the lead in Washington. . .again.
Halak is a hero and Ovechkin is still choking. And Theodore is a hack.
Could Mr.-Best-Player-in-the-World-According-to-the-National-Media please start doing something with his life and help out everyone's fantasy teams?
Jesus.
It's okay, he has til the end of the game.
And lest we forget, it's days like these that make us glad that Sidney Crosby is our captain.
We'd keep you updated but it's nearing the end of the college semester and you all know what that means. . .partyin', drinkin', and paper-writin'.

We will see you tomorrow.
For great justice.

GO PENS.

free hugs.

2010-04-16T18:37:00.079-04:00

"I think that it is an indication of why the Stanley Cup playoffs are one of the hardest trophies to win in sports, because the first round seed – no matter who you are – can be an absolute battle to win." - Bylsma

These bitches know what's upppp:

Yeah.

Rumors of tardiness. Blame swirling. MAF is in the eye of a shiticaine, so everybody, step back. Max has this under control:

Ze puck. You stop it, oui? Oui.

Rupp is in for Feds. Johnson is sick, so we have an Adorable Child in as Fleury's backup. No worries.

Uhm.

Puck drops and just when it registers that I've heard Hockey Night in Canada call Brooks "Brett", MAF looks stunned and some call-up Senator has scored. 18 seconds. The Valuable Commentators say, "This is not a great start."

Ze Sigh.

0-1

Playoff Fashion Alert:
Danny B's snappy blue plaid tie is the only thing keeping my emotions in check. It's like spring exploded on it.

Brooks is making up for issues earlier. Spezza is murdered twice. First time he got air, second time he totally dove. Called for roughing, this makes Danny B meditative.

MAF is giving us heart attacks with funny bounces for days. Sid decides to take the wheel and turn this bitch around. Suck is Spezzzzzzza.

1-1

Crimes Against Humanity:
Pens decide to try to dominate with checks.... and miss every single Senator for a solid 5 minutes. Invisible rugs are being pulled. Sutton decides to give free lessons and checks Leopold so hard he pirouettes and is instantly unconscious. Sutton knows where he belongs and flies through the unlocked penalty box door.

Trainers everwhere. Scrum.

He didn't leave his feet for the hit and it was North-South. No penalty.

Moment You Realized The Mellon Isn't Gonna Take This Anymore:

End of the first, but Brooks isn't done. He takes a run at Zack Smith and the Mellon gets in on the fight. The Zamboni doors open and Smith falls through and out of the rink. Stunned. MaxTal decides to start a fight with him and the refs are like, "No really, the period's over. Stop guys, we have to pee."

During the break the Sens whine that the building is boobytrapped and ask that the doors be checked. Mind of her own. We're gonna miss her, dearly.

The second starts and it is hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Cooke takes on 2 linesmen and 3 Senators. Nobody does it like Max, though.

Stepping up his game, Supreme Ref Bill McCreary lays down the law with the coaches. Everyone gets a talking to:

Play hockey, boys.

Sid takes it to heart and finds himself alone in front of the net.... and fans on the puck. Unreal. Sutton finally gets called for an unauthorized piggy back ride on Malks.

It's a 4 on 3, but nothing. More shoving in front of the net. TK takes on Sutton who is like a foot and a half taller than him. Looks like he is hugging a Sequoia. McCreary ain't havin this shit. Cooke gets the penalty but our PK doesn't even let them have a shot. End of the second.

Third starts and it is a battle of goalie minds. Observe:

vs.

Moment You Reached For The Tostitos Lime:

While they're locked in this dance-off, Volchenkov almost breaks our hearts. Sid takes over for Flower.

Captain isn't done. Spezza's all over him and he's spinning left and right..

He's on his knees when he passes to LeUnicorn for the goal.

Yessssssss.

1-2

The clock runs down. Thank God.

Alternate Three Stars:

3. Dan Bylsma:

Doesn't need a locker room to give The Speech.

2. and 1. Brooks and Marc-Andre:

For jointly denying Spezza any satisfaction in life.

Leopold's condition will be evaluated tomorrow.
Ready for Sunday.
Go Pens.

this thing we call love.

2010-04-15T20:48:00.005-04:00

Zoe and I just realized today that apparently there are other teams hosting playoff games as well.
I know, right?
What right do these people think they have pretending to matter. The road to the Cup is the road the Penguins take...hasn't anyone been paying attention?
But apparently these other frivolous series must take place in order for that road to exist in front of us.
Once again, apparently they can't just give us the Cup.
Has anyone spoken to the league about this?
We're super confused.

Anyway, here's the word from the league.
The Yotes brought down the Wings 3-2 in a display of heart and spirit the likes of which the world has not seen since the Penguins '09 playoff performance.
The Yotes are our special friends, as they are the team of choice for a certain blessed Intern that we love dearly, and because they've had the shit kicked out of them by everyone for years. The league, the fans, their own organization, other clubs...
It's about time they take a little something of their own.
Plus, our boyfriend Wojtek Wolski scored.
Atta boy, Killer.

The Avs trumped the Sharks as anyone with the capability of pattern recognition could have predicted. We just want the Sharks to not fuck up one day. We like the Avs too, though, se we'll take it either way.
But srsly, Sharks.
It's about time you get it together.

The Flyers came out on top of the Debs 2-1, and like the last one, we have a hard to deciding between the two. But in this case it's because of how much we haaaaate them all.
We'll generally root Debs though.
So pick it back up, you dicknoses.

Today we've got Caps and Montreal, Buffalo and Boston and the Kings and Canucks.
We couldn't really care less about any of those jobbers because we're too busy wondering what outfits still have enough good luck on them from last year so we can use it tomorrow.
Luckily our parents never got ahold of our jerseys despite the fact that they are "disgusting."
Lucky nacho cheese stains.
Fabric reeking of cigars and champagne.
Or maybe that's just our souls.
We'll take it.

Go Pens.

testing, 1, 2...

2010-04-15T11:14:00.004-04:00

Okay, welcome to our new comments system. We may revert/change this again, but consider this a testing ground. We want to hear your feedback, whether or not this is working for you, etc.

For your convenience, we've connected the Disqus comments system to OpenID and Yahoo!.
OpenID is a service that allows you to use your identity in various places all over the web without having to register new accounts. You can sign in via Yahoo! or simply use OpenID. If you have a Google account that you use to comment on PH, you do not need to register anything new!
When you select to comment with OpenID, you will be prompted to type in your OpenID URL, which will look like this:
http://openid-provider.appspot.com/your_login_name
For your_login_name simply substitute your Google ID.
Then type in the display name that you want to display with the comment.
You may be prompted to login, but if you're already logged in, you should be good.
This information should be saved on your personal computer pretty easily, so, overall, you shouldn't have to do this very often in order to comment.
Some of you already use OpenID to comment so the process should be familiar to you.

We want your feedback!
Please comment and let us know how this is working out for you.
If people don't like this system we'll revert back to the old one.
We are already exploring other possible options to improve the site for everyone/expand our horizons in general, and this is exciting for us.
While we hate change, some changes end up being good ones.
However, you bitches will all be the determiners of whether or not this change is good.
The comments are your realm, we just provide the HOPE and the dick jokes.

GO PENS.
Commentcommentcomment
Love

There is also now a poll up in the sidebar for you to voice your pleasure/displeasure.

more blood, more sweat, more tears, less jizz

2010-04-14T21:46:00.005-04:00

You knew all day today that when 7PM hit, nothing else would matter.
The playoffs are upon us, and it's a marathon to the Cup.
Each series a race to four.
Who needs school, work, or a life?
If you know what the NHL playoffs are about there is no comparison in the world.
It could have been beautiful, it could have been sweet.
Outside:
Inside:
We were young, we were beautiful, we were champions.
We never, ever, ever, ever call out goaltenders. It's basically against our religion to say anything bad about the boys who call the crease home.
They are our heroes.
But, hey, let's be honest:
Fleury was not the greatest tonight.
Some of those goals were just bad, not that the defense was where it was necessarily supposed to be.
He will rebound and play better in Game 2. We believe that.
Our offense found its shit late in the game. If Fleury shuts the door and we keep scoring on a roll, the haters will have their mouths shut after Game 5.
We didn't play well enough to win this game. But the pieces are there and the Senators are by no means the better team. There are no flashbacks to times when the Pens simply didn't have the talent, experience, or ability to win games--we didn't come out shellshocked, we didn't look lost. It was a matter of consistency, a game that needed tweaking.
And the big saves had to be there.
They will be. We can get to it.

The Senators organization is second only to the Capitals in sheer annoyingness and homoeroticism. Cory Clouston:

Malkin proved himself ready for the playoffs. He took his acid. Basically anybody who criticizes Malkin's game at this point in his career is a complete idiot.
saving the team

What we said.

Craig Adams got the goal he has been deserving since FDR was in office.
And Alex Goligoski got one for all of the haters. It was the one that brought us closer. The one that, in desperation, we needed to survive.
And we came oh-so-very close to bringing down the house, but it wasn't meant to be.
A rebound game is in the works.
Haters gon' hate, but we will never be those people.
Let's get angry. Rally song time? Some bile-induced shit. None of that fancy stuff. We have to bring it. This game was won for the Sens by people like Ruutu and Neil. Those men are stains.

Know who else is a stain?
Jason Spezza.

Something's gotta give.
Possible rally call before Friday.
Don't blink.

GO PENS.

LATE EDIT:
Okay we'll always have a soft spot for Jarkko but seriously back the fuck up.

LATE EDIT II:
We're modding the comments for the night. Possibly big blog changes to come, but the exciting and fun kind! This is a temporary setback before we can move into the future.
We love each and every one of you with all of our hearts and we will approve comments with the swiftness that you all deserve, because you are heroes.
And in case you forgot,
GO PENS.

choking and crying: the 2010 NHL playoffs

2010-04-13T18:38:00.012-04:00

Yet again, the NHL playoffs have dealt us all an interesting hand. Heroes, villains, underdogs, and the overwhelming momentum swings that come in a 7-game series: the NHL playoffs have it all, and the Stanley Cup is, by and large, considered the most difficult trophy to win in all of professional sports. You know how we feel about all of that:
to be succinct, BRING IT FUCKERS.

Here, then, is the PH gospel on how we feel about each series.
Ya'll can suck it.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
SHARKS versus AVALANCHE

So, the Sharks are a good team with a reputation for choking. Thornton is so tired of being the poster boy for NHL fail, he simply cannot allow this team to lose to the Avs. Closed-door team meetings are fucking exhausting and no amount of coffee and doughnuts makes it better.

The Avalanche are the wide-eyed bush babies of the playoffs this year. Note the coaches hugging like they just clinched a series in a regular season shootout win.
Bizarre.
They have the heart.
Sharks in 6?
Maybe?

BLACKHAWKS versus PREDATORS
Give Chicago the edge in offense and Nashville the edge in goaltending.
The Preds are adorable. Chicago has Hossa and everyone's favorite felon.
Where exactly do the Chicago faithful expect Huet and Niemi to find their acid?
The Hawks were impressive last season but they were also riding Bulin. This year they have the third most goals in the league and they'll have to keep up that level of offense if they expect to keep winning games. Olympic hangover might hold them back. And there's that whole taunting the Hockey Gods with murals and shit.
Can the Preds be the big upset?
We wonder.
No clue on this one.

CANUCKS versus KINGS
Nice to see the Kings in the playoffs. HAI GUYZ WE LIKE THAT YOUR FRANCHISE LOOKS LIKE A MEDIEVAL PORNO

But LOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Vancouver in 5 or 6.
Don't expect them to not be close games though. Lest we forget Dustin Brown is a bamf.

COYOTES versus RED WINGS
If you pick the Red Wings as a sure winner for any reason whatsoever you don't deserve to breathe air. If we hear the word "experience" in your explanation, not only do you die, but we throw your body off of something in a public place a la Wojtek Wolski. Babcock already had his moment in the sun, it's Tippett's time to shine.
Humiliating.
Bryzgalov for Hart.
Coyotes in 6.
Shane Doan is banging your mom, sensually.
wooooooooooooooo

EASTERN CONFERENCE
CAPITALS versus CANADIENS
With an offense like Washington's to deal with the Habs are going to be so fucked up that they forget which end to put food in in the morning.
Probably see both Halak and Price before the series is over.
Caps in 5.
Either that or the biggest upset of the last 10 years occurs, Kim defects to Quebec to be nearer to Hal, and the world of hockey is never the same again.

DEVILS versus FLYERS
We are relying on the Flyers' goonery and superior offense to take it to the Devils just like they did throughout the regular season.
Sensing some big nights from guys like Claude Giroux and Hartnell being typically and helpfully absent. Hopefully the Flyers have the Leadership to pull this off because God Damn the last thing the East needs is for the Devils to continue playing hockey. You don't need us to reiterate anything regarding the obesity of Brodeur's soul, but have we mentioned lately that Kovalchuk's a colossal dick?

Something about this photo screams MANGA. Photoshop/Blingee anyone? Note Ilya's one crazy eye:
Flyers in 7. We said it.

SABRES versus BRUINS
No one has any understanding of how the Sabres are the 3 seed. Neither team's offense has been particularly impressive though the Bruins have particularly struggled, obviously.
Bit of a goaltending battle between Olympic silver medalist (and one of our new favorite picnic buddies) RyRy Miller and the duo of Tuukka and Fat Timmy. We might end up seeing both of them--if we throw Rask into the mix and he gets shellshocked it's time for Tim to bust out his yoga skillz.
We have no idea where to go on this one, either.

PENGUINS versus SENATORS
Whoa there.

Also, we strongly advise you to sign up for Rinkotology before 5PM tomorrow if you have $10 burning a hole in your pocket and want to try to rule the world via fantasy hockey. Tempting, right? Plus there's a belt at stake.

This post prepared with halp from Intern Ann and KimKim too!

Leave your playoff thoughts in the comments.
Set the record straight.
GO PENS.

the manliness of men.

2010-04-12T20:42:00.005-04:00

So we've been out of practice for a while now.
Clearly the season got to us there at the end, and the alcohol intake increased and the specific commentary detail decreased.
Blame school. Blame boys. Blame laziness. Blame alcohol.
But with the sweet smell of playoffs in the air, the intake of all of those previously mentioned decreases, save alcohol, which stays about the same.
The wins require celebration, the losses require wallowing, and Kim couldn't even breathe during the Stanley Cup Finals last season until someone put a straw in her mouth to drink away some of the hyperventilation.
For all of your Penguins Cocktail Needs, we remind you to check out Cocktails With the Penguins.
If that won't get you through the playoffs with grace and poise, we don't know what will.

Now, it is time for us to discuss something very srs.
And that is how we would totally allow Jordan Leopold to crash our nets, so to speak.

If cuteness is our qualifying factor, we've clearly got that all wrapped up like a pretty birthday gift.
We would kill good men in bad ways to see Mister Leopold wearing mittens.

However, as you are well aware, here at PH it is not all about adorableness, flawless physique and the sensation that a man could pick us up and move us where he pleased like a chess piece of lust.
Nay, we are hockey girls.
And thus we need our boys thoroughly saturated with skillz.
LUCKILY such a requirement doesn't even come close to disqualifying Leopold from the runnings at crashing our nets.

Owning Chris Osgood?
Yes plz.
Sir you can come home with us any 'ol day.

In other news, the Pens don't have to worry about a certain Kovie during the playoffs. Which is sort of devastating news.
Alexei is out for "many months" due to a completely torn ACL. While Kovie hasn't exactly been at the top of his game as of late, it's still a hit for the Sens during the playoffs.
And for all of us watching.
Who doesn't like seeing Kovie at his best? It's a beautiful thing, and we love the man. We can only wish the best for him while he is out and hope for a speedy recovery, and kick anyone who is shit talking directly in the genitalia.

We've also gotta give a nod to Eric Tangradi.
A hero for stepping in when we need him.
Also satisfies all of the qualifications for crashing our nets.
I mean, look at this shit.
Can't hate on that. All you can do is embrace it and just thank Curry that it exists.

Big dog.
Oh dear.
*ahem* Thank you for your services, Eric.

Playoffs are oh so soon.
CAN YOU FEEL IT?
Let's get excited, yinz guys.
Go Pens.

travel day and sharing

2010-04-11T22:04:00.004-04:00

Hey all, I'm live to you from the BoltBus between New York City and Boston. Kim and I took in a good portion of the game before we had to get ready and get my ass out of Philadelphia. I'm good and ready to give you some caveats before heading into the playoffs, but first, we just wanted to let everyone know:
No matter what, if you love the game of hockey, we love you and want you to comment on our blog with any length of comment that you see fit, so long as you use discretion for your fellow commenters and respect basic conventions of Internet etiquette and interpersonal communication.
Unless you have heard from us in the past or had your posts deleted in the past, you're doing fine and have nothing to do with the comments on the previous post.
If you have any questions we can respond to e-mail or whatever method of messaging you prefer.

Anyway, at the end of this, it's pretty obvious that the Islanders feel kinda like this:

Sidney Crosby went into this game a goal behind Ovechkin and Stamkos. He left the game with the (largely meaningless) Rocket Richard--but hey, it's basically the only major award he hasn't yet won in the realm of hockey, so why the fuck not?
What a player.
Forgotten in all of this bullshit with the Rocket Richard Trophy is that Crosby pulled off a 5-point night in order to tie Alexander Ovechkin for second in scoring this season. Three more points and he'd have shared the Art Ross, too. But, as is, he only has to share with one man, and that man is Brother Steven. Like so:

We love all of these individual accomplishments, these one-man efforts.
Eric Godard had one hell of a night, scoring some kind of workingman's goal and also fighting a motherfucker:
Expect some kind of amazing post from Travis at THE GOON BLOG about Eric Godard as we get ready to view the rest of his suit collection as the playoffs settle in.

Mike Rupp also had a fight but we're not really sure if we should describe it as a fight or some bizarre interpretive dance inspired by The Pirate Ship at Kennywood:
Moving on. . .

Oh have we mentioned how much sex Jordan Leopold deserves?
Answer: all of it.

A good note to end the regular season on.
And you all delivered:

Nicole G

Kaitlin

It's a wonderful world.
Steiggy and Errey had a "let's name the Ottawa Senators entire roster" party somewhere there in the first period, so we know what we're up against on Wednesday.
These are your matchups.
And your playoff schedule.
The first round will also be on FSN Pittsburgh.

Can you feel it?
Let's rock it out.
GO PENS.

waaaaaaaaaahhhh

2010-04-10T21:43:00.002-04:00

Foiled by Moose again and some dirty, dirty shit, and bad timing.
We're trying to drink and enjoy the city of Philadelphia (read: difficult). So we'll bring our feelings to you visually, and with some brief words of advice:
Bring it, Ottawa.

Fuck Jersey and all of its spawn.
GO PENS.

this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S

2010-04-09T23:42:00.004-04:00

Zoe and I are TOGETHER.
We are in Philadelphia. In the flesh.
Kim invited everyone into her hockey-infested home and they are now drinking heavily over the novel Twilight. At least that was the aim. Apparently now everyone is just drinking heavily.
We read like three passages from Twilight and everyone got shitfaced so who even knows what's really going on right now.
The Intern did a fantastic job with the closing ceremonies. She has been marvelous this entire season.
Let's all give her a round of applause.

One of the girls we're at this party with is in the same major as Kim.
She also has a terrible addiction to Rico Fata. And as it turns out, the Pensblog has several times posted this picture of her with him:
So, for the record, this is our friend Jenny (age 11). Go her!
The Fata sexin' was imminent.

We just discussed how we are at the Finer Things Club.
This desk is covered in vodka and Early Times.
Like this jug of Early Times is enormous.

Thanks for reading everyone!
GO PENS.

a night of history

2010-04-08T19:18:00.117-04:00

Les Bitches would like to remind you that even though the press is hyperventilating about tonight being the end of an era, the Mellon is not done. Playoffs, people. Playoffs are when the Mellon is at its finest. Even so, the old girl has something to say. I hand her the floor:

"Fans, for the past year you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet tonight I consider myself the luckiest arena on the face of this earth. I have had a rink for forty-nine years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.

Look at these grand men.

Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of their career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I'm lucky. Who wouldn't consider it an honor to have known Sidney Crosby? Also, the builder of hockey greatest empire, Ray Shero? To have spent the year with that wonderful fellow, Dan Bylsma? To have spent twenty six years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best owner in hockey today, Mario Lemieux? Sure, I'm lucky.

So I close in saying that I may have had a tough break, but I have an awful lot to remember."

*tear*

With that, lets start the pomp and circumstance.

Emotions:

The longest red carpet ever is out and Steigy and Lange walk like kings. They announce everyone who ever got a paycheck with style and class. The photo montages have me reaching for tissues. Suddenly Errey, that luminous being, strolls out. The crowd goes wild.

Chanting is resumed when Gary Roberts graces us with his presence. WWGRD is mentioned in reverent tones. The only man who could silence a "Gary!" chant takes the floor.

Little girl, you have been blessed.

The Greatest Team Photo Of All Time is taken.

Rolling up the 9 mile carpet takes like 20 minutes. Meanwhile, Potash finds a victim.

"I love this building. I love this fans. I enjoy tonight. Play hard tonight." - Geno

Errey and Steigey are back in the booth, ready to rock. Just as they say that the Malkin, Kennedy, Cooke line is there to generate offense, Brooks is like, "What about meeee??" Only needs 23 seconds to get it started. The press haven't had time to take their lens caps off yet, so Extreme Orpik Closeup Cam reveals him just saying the word "fuck" a few times with that look on his face.
Good enough.

1-0

Is This Real Life?!?

Cooke actually draws a penalty, which puts us at even strength. Unreal contribution. Thank you, sir. Crosby passes to Gogo, who puts it top shelf on Biron. He skates off like he does this every day.

All in the first five minutes.

2-0

Steigy starts double dog daring Sid to hit 50 tonight. He shoots, but Biron appears to have slammed 2 Red Bulls during the commercial break and manages to save.

Dylan Reese is tonight's feel good story. The hometown boy is playing in tonight's game, with the wrong jersey. Quisling.

Tavares who?

The only thing he does all night is assist on Matt Moulson's goal. It hits MAF's arm and bounces in. We've said it before and we'll say it again. Fuck you, Matt Moulson.

2-1

Fleury saves about 3 shots and Malks takes off with a bad Tavares pass, battling MacDonald the entire length of the ice. He scores with the man literally hanging off his back. ...shades of Richard.

3-1

Pics, or it didn't happen...

Kyle Okposo scores. whatevs.

3-2

Rupp and Gillies audition for Dancing With the Stars. They spin right round baby, right round like a record baby, round…. Ok, I'm done. Rupp trips eventually, but we can call this a draw. Both of them looked better than Kate Gosselin.

Authenticated Moment of Woooo!!!

With a minute left, Sid lives up to his name and buries it on a pass from Dupuis.

49.

4-2

This sums up the first:

As if you could take any more...

Mario and Gary fill the screen. Potash catches Brooks for the interview and even Orpik couldn't contain his smile when he mentioned
Gary Fucking Roberts.

... those aren't their wine glasses. They're sipping straight bourbon, but the FCC thought you couldn't handle it.

The second starts and Biron is done. Roloson is in and MAF decides to show him what a real goalie is...

Ninja Saves Of The Century

He was hovering in mid air with a chest save on Bruno, then a pad, then a glove on irrelevant Islanders. It was what Gary Roberts would do.

This was right about the time I started looking for Tostitos Lime between the couch cushions. I seriously needed a moment to recover and the stats tell me that a goal was scored somewhere in here. O rly? As I was googling what the hell happened Errey says, "Can we not just win this game 6-2?" I am not the only one who refused to acknowledge this goal, so there you have it.

4-3 if you must.

Unauthenticated Moment of Wooooooo!!!!!!

Cappy points to Billy Guerin as soon as it goes in, but nobody cares. Even Errey uses the word "unreal".

50. ish.

The goal is given to Billy after the game, but the assist still gives him 500 career points. He's officially the third-youngest player to reach 500, behind Mario and Gretzky.

5-3

TK is so not letting this night go without making his mark, so he scores with JStaal and Eaton on the assists. Their memory cards were full of Crosby, so...

6-3

End of the 2nd. Thank God. Gogo calls the game sloppy and then looks around for Bettman. More montages. More shots of guys in suits sipping wine. More stats from yesteryear.

3rd starts and Crosby sends one to Super Duper. Guerin gets the rebound for his 20th goal of the year.

7-3

Ponikarovsky murders an Islander. There is silence. He gets a 5 minute major, but the PK kills off the entire boarding call. A KTang sentient hair sighting occurs when he loses his helmet. Then, Brooks almost fights a guy with a full face cage. As time winds down, the crowd surges to their feet.

What a night.

Alternate Three Stars:

3. This Guy

2. These Guys

1. MAF

Thrashers Saturday.
Go Pens.

god's away on business

2010-04-07T17:12:00.005-04:00

This game felt like it was run by the NBA. We don't know what else to say about it.

Before the game, Ovechkin is interviewed, which makes everyone feel awkward:
He sounds like a teenage boy who just got reprimanded for touching prepubescents at the park.
We're not kidding and that isn't supposed to be funny.

Some bad news right out of the gate: we're sans Gonch and Malkin due to illness--both of them are sick now. Strep is one contagious bitch.

Fleury makes some great saves out of the gate and you feel like he's seeing everything a mile away.

Caps trip someone else. No call. Beninati is being a fatass and has no idea what's going on. he just reminded us that the Penguins have black jerseys. Edzo is criticizing our turnovers within the Caps blueline because you know he's really good at coaching against that.

According to Versus, Sidney Crosby has been "quiet so far." Might as well just hand the Caps the Cup.
At some point they even bust out an Alex Ovechkin "goals by period" graphic.
Then Goligoski blows a tire in one of the puddles of Jizz on the ice.
Jizz:
1-0
The Pens are back at it right away but some good old fashioned Caps hockey (managing the puck badly, running around like decapitated animals with singular missions) takes the life out of the game.
Something is referred to on air as "Brian Engblom-like." We can't make this shit up.

The Caps finally get called for the penalties they keep committing and it's go-time.
Sid is all over the ice, but nothing much comes of it. Versus keeps interrupting us to let us know about the State of the World. We're so intrigued.
At intermission, they do however treat us to an awesome shot of Fleury and Max pushing each other around like retards in the runway.

Varlamov held the fort that period, inasmuch as a fat soul trapped in a tiny man's body can:

Intermission had to be muted, we didn't want to listen to it.

The third line which has often been this team's saving grace in bad games but it doesn't generate anything quite yet.
Knuble still thinks we approved of his existence. . .we didn't.
2-zip

We get a PP, Crosby rips one, and it's the best day of everyone's life:
Someone's feeling awfully out of focus about it, anyway.
2-1

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tomas Fleischmann is learning the meaning of life.
Discomfort. Agony. It was like we wanted nothing to do with staying within 1 goal of these people. 3-1. The people who paid to see the Caps display poor puck management and forecheck and still score goals like this probably run out of tissues and Vaseline at Verizon Center. At Mellon, people probably just went on suicide watch.
Not that the Pens were really doing anything to stop it.
Announcement of Crosby's goal follows in the silence.
Fleury is pulled, flips a shit and bangs his stick against the wall. We imagine Veronique keeps a cooler of juice boxes around for rough days like these. When we're married we'll have juice boxes for our men, too.

Brent Johnson comes in, and changes lives.
This is apparently how the Caps play hockey: by not actually doing anything to win, but winning anyway.
Update on the Rocket Richard blahblahblah because it's such a meaningful award.

Assists matter too:
Crosby leaves a drop pass to Jordan Leopold who shoots and BURIES IT.
There is no picture of this particular goal either, but rest assured, JLeo was clearly inspired by our showing last recap.
Penguins get a PP. A crossbar is hit. The Caps come back. Goligoski with a block.
The Caps make it 4-2.
For such a big game there are very few photos of goals and more photos of this dickface:
There were probably lots of comparative graphics or something about who's going to clinch in the playoffs and how many goals everyone has scored and thus the Hart Trophy goes to Chris Chelios or something equally asinine.

TK puts it in the goal but an extremely quick whistle crushes your dreams.
That's hockey.

We push before the end of the period.
But you know, that's never good for anything
Gotta mute that intermission again.
Fuck Versus.

Third period:
Jordan Leopold is a fucking sexy hero and probably the reason why your period is late:
Dupes pointing out fat chicks in the stands to distract Varly.

The glass breaks. Pens take a penalty.
Off the faceoff, the puck bounces off the official's skate. Ovechkin wasn't going to make a mistake with that one. Look at what an intense player he is:
This one makes him look like part of some human metronome:
It was like watching something that was already falling apart just sink.
Like Ernest Shackleton's Endurance in 1914, which was held afloat by pressure from pack ice for days and days:
Ugh.

Pens pressure after that but it just won't go. Johnson is a hero:
But not the hero we needed.

For the rest of the game interference is legal.
Pens finally get some semblance of a PP, but do nothing with it.
Boudreau's feelings on the issue:
Time is our enemy.

Danny B calls time when the game has already been lost. Weird decision. The press felt the need to photograph it:

They also felt the need to make everything look like anal sex:
Okay whatever.

Ovechkin decides to be a showboat and take the empty netter with 0.2 left.
Not beating the Capitals always feels like treason. DC may be the capital of the US, but Pittsburgh is the capital of our hearts.
American regionalism is like our favorite thing.

PENS LOSE
6-3
Terrible day.

LOOK MORE PHOTOS OF OVECHKIN
Fuck the media.

Our team needs to get it together.
What we love about the NHL is that basically any team suiting up can win a game, can win a championship, if they play the right way and get the bounces and work hard.
All cylinders clicking can turn guys with little skill (re: MaxTal) into heroes.
Skill counts for a lot but only when everything is there mentally.
You know this if you've ever written a term paper, for example.

click it again, for good luck

Tomorrow, we win one for the old girl:

The boys reminisce about her here.
A night to remember.

GO PENS.

can you see with all that jizz in your eyes?

2010-04-06T22:30:00.005-04:00

Kim's still dying of sickness, and I've been up for something like 50+ hours due to having to write a paper that argues the existence of morality.
Rest assured, I watched the game and took notes, and I will bring you a recap sometime tomorrow. We also have a special post planned that we've been kicking around for almost the last week, but haven't been able to pull it off due to Life and vomiting.
Rest assured:
dicktouchers ahoy.

We'll let Jerkcity do the talking for us for a second, as we often do:
The schoolbus is key.

Knuble's like, such a fucking dick, we don't even know how to process him.
Ovechkin's PP goal was like watching your firstborn die in a fire.

GO PENS.

EDIT
CLICK HERE

ugh.

2010-04-05T23:20:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow we have the pleasure of playing the President's Trophy winners of 2010.
Oh.
We can't wait.
Oh, how we have missed your beautiful face, sir.
*cough*

Seeing as Cappy is only one point above Ovie (and for that matter, Brother Steven - wtf?!?!?) in the goals race, it'll be fun to see where this all goes. And, of course, we'd love to get up some numbers against Washington. There's a very good chance that we'll see them in the playoffs at some point, and we'd like to head into that with a track record that doesn't suck.

With Malks and Gonch back and kicking ass already, it should be a fun game to watch. We like the competition that Ovie brings, and we can always pass time hoping Semin gets boarded by Matt Cooke or something.
We jest!
Kind of.

Nothing is really happening in the world of hockey right now. The playoffs are coming up, so news is kind of stagnating for the time being.
While we're pumped for the whole eastern conference playoffs, we're really displeased about a lot of the west. Like the Jackets being in 14th.
And either the Flames or the Avs being out of the playoffs.
But, hey, the Pens are what's important.
We'll survive.

Caps tomorrow.
Zoe's got your back.
I am making a majestic recovery.
All is right in the world

Go Pens

amor se paga con amor

2010-04-03T18:29:00.006-04:00

JLo? JLeo? Get it?
Okay okay don't punch me. . .

All right, let's be honest, it was too beautiful a day for me to spend it watching hockey inside. The first warm days of the year on Boston Common and the Public Gardens are to die for--everyone is outside. Like this, except imagine twice as many people and no clouds:

But hey, it was a beautiful spring day in Pittsburgh too. Not as much sunshine, but a perfect day to venture to the arena for one of the last regular season games:
[Empty Netters]

But! I managed to get the game to record, and I've seen enough of it to present some humble awards. The Penguins did their team awards this afternoon and I wouldn't want to overshadow those, of course. They were pretty predictable this year (Sidney Crosby team MVP? Really? Brooks Orpik defensive player of the year? You're shitting us!) but all in all, it was a good showing.

First!
SNEAKIEST UNGULATE AWARD
Moose played the puck outside the crease.
BAD MOOSE
No call. Mike Smith did it, too. Well if we're going to ignore the rulebook maybe we should get rid of that stupid thing. . .

OLDEST
During the first period we have to deal with a lot of "Chris Chelios is 48!" talk from Steiggy and Errey. Apparently people were saying he couldn't skate backward anymore in '91. If he'd actually achieved anything except being cheap and annoying since then we might be less in agreement. Seriously, has he ever been a necessity to any team? Ever? We'd research this but we'd probably have to check historical documents at the library.

SECOND OLDEST BUT MOST BADASS
Billy G, for fighting the good fight against Slater.

WORST NEWS
That time we heard that Afinogenov thought it was his god-given right to score in the last minute of the period.
What a fucking dick.

MOOOOOOSEST
Hedberg is standing on his head to start the second. If you know and love Johan you have mixed feelings about all this. On one hand, he's in the opposing team's uni, and that team has been a little bitch for the past few years that we've had to force to roll over and shut up. On the other hand, he's a good goalie, a rare example of "good Swedish" (much like Valtteri Filppula being a rare example of "bad Finnish") and
Don't you want to like, give him a juice box to wipe that sour look off his face?
But as-is, we're fine with his misery.
to a degree.

BEST LINE BRAWL DECISION
We don't know what Malkin said but we assume it was something like "IN SOVIET RUSSIA WE PUT OUR ELDERLY OUT TO FREEZE"

HEY WAIT GOLIGOSKI ACTUALLY MADE A GOOD PLAY
Goligoski makes a genius pass to Malkin lurking over Hedberg's shoulder.
We'd show you a picture but it was like this
plus
and therefore
WOOOOOOO
1-1

OH SHIT NVM
Stapleton redirect 2-1 late period goal puke

AWESOME THIRD PERIOD AWARD
Early in the period, Tyler Kennedy comes out of nowhere to make Johan piss himself on a good rebound goal.
2-2

After getting shit going in the offensive zone, however, the Pens defense decides to go take a massive dump somewhere instead of playing:
gjklsjgds

Things were looking bad. Things were looking pretty unfortunate and uncool. However, Jim Slater is clearly having flashbacks of Bill Guerin punching him repeatedly in the back of the head and forgets that holding is a penalty.
The Pens are trying to get a 6-on-4 going at the end, and then Gonchar, from way downtown, rips it:
Solid fucking player. God what a shot.
3-3

OHHHH NOES PREGNANT
OT is pretty blah. Then Jordan Leopold's sperm hits the easiest mark of his career when he just shuffles a bad angle shot to the net.
LOVE

BIG HUGS:
Moose probably feels like the dumbass that got J.Lo a necklace instead of love.

PENS WIN
4-3 OT
MOVIN' ON UP

Our regular season ballsucking performance against the New Jersey Devils is, however, coming back to haunt us these last few games. Tiebreaker is currently being determined by points gained by each team in the Devils/Pens season series. If both the Devils and Pens keep winning it's probably going to come down to the Devils/Sabres game on April 11th. We could finish anywhere and play anyone first round. Keep an eye on the standings. It's going to be very interesting.

Other notes:
- resign Jordan Leopold. Puck management, good decisions, and even though his GWG tonight didn't come from a great scoring chance, he's had plenty. And seems generally capable of putting the puck on net.
- we want to hug Moose
- for that matter, re-sign Gonchar and Eaton if you can. Currently about 8.75mil committed to defense thru next season whoa.
- Atlanta trading Kovalchuk definitely makes them play more like a team. and not a "get the puck to Kovalchuk, wait for him to score, then blow at defense." They're not that much better, but still.
- sorry for exposing you to Jennifer Lopez at the beginning of the post.

A few days to think about Things before the Caps come to town.
Holy Moly.

GO PENS.

give me a beat

2010-04-01T23:35:00.003-04:00

If anything had happened in the world of hockey today that was immediately relevant to your existence, we'd tell you. Alas.

Danny B made the boys come to the rink early on their day off because they had shit to atone for.
This is the full quote, excerpted in the Dan Bylsma Radar:

There are certainly things that we need to get better at, and we’re addressing them. It is always about moving forward. It’s always about getting better. It’s always about doing the right things and saying the right things and going out and being prepared to do that. We do need to get better. We need to focus our attention and get prepared and go out on the ice and do that with more regularity. We’re going to keep moving forward and do it right until they kick us off the ice.

So you know, you best fucking watch.

Everyone is like, "omfg inconsistencies" and "omfg bad PP" and "omg lack of effort."
We admit, it's not awesome to lose games like these late in the season.
We have a pretty okay schedule coming. . .including that game against the Caps. From a points standpoint, we should focus on beating the Isles and Thrashers at whatever game they best play. From a team morale and accountability standpoint, beating the Caps in addition to winning those four games would be just as important.
Pepper = motivation.

Remember, the boys are only human.
They're champions, but what makes champions so lovable is the fact that they are human.
They're amazing humans though so we believe in them. Always and forever, no matter what.

For tomorrow. . .a possible return to form.
Hope you're all well.
GO PENS.

as I lay dying.

2010-03-31T23:01:00.004-04:00

Hey everyone.
Kim here, from the desolate quarantined wasteland that is my apartment.
Having slept for an entire day, only breaking to shower, email some people in regards to my whereabouts, mumble various things about my last will and testament, and demand pity and water refills from the bastard who gave me this disease, hockey was an extremely welcome getaway.
Oh Penguins, you clearly were not aware of my suffering, or how you would compound it by falling to Steven Stamkos, the fucking douchiest douche to ever douche.

Here are some pictures and how they make me feel.

Feds getting taken to the locker room after a boarding compliments of Matt Lashoff was one of the first things to happen in the game.
Mister Lashoff, you may think it's safe to strike when PH Staff is weakened, but you remember, we will be at full strength again soon, and your number will be up.

"Kim I found these Twiz-Nibs on a table at the 7-11."
"Are they open?"
"...yeah."
"Don't eat them. You can't just eat open food you find at a 7-11 in North Philly."
"But...not just anyone buys Twiz-Nibs. Someone affluent left them here."
"Srsly, you are going to get mono or AIDs."
"Okay...I won't eat them..."

THAT IS HOW BROTHER STEVEN SCORING IN THE FIRST PERIOD MAKES ME FEEL.
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM SURROUNDED BY RETARDS.
Upon realizing that I am, I feel that much worse.
COME ON BOYS, DON'T DO IT.
Fuck you, Twiz Nibs.
Why must you lure in the weak of mind?

We don't care about your SO.
Let us know when you make the playoffs, you good for nothing guttersluts.

LOLOLOL
Best.
Thank you Mattie. You make my gray skies turn blue.

I'm starting to worry that being ill makes me see cats in everything, but srsly MAF. You are a kitty.

At some point the Lightning score again.
Okay, okay, it was Downie in the second period.
But it was all so fucking vomit, who cares.

Pens 0, Lightning 2
Lighting, fuck offffff.

These are games we CAN'T LOSE. This is PLAYOFF TIME. We need to WIN OUR DIVISION.
Ugh.
It angers us that we can't get this shit together right now.
However, that is 72% brainworms talking. There is another reality to this game.
If you didn't see the game, here is what my fever-addled mind forgot to say for realz:
-The Lightning were out of this world. Seriously. Great effort by them.
-The Pens didn't do too bad, despite really fucking up some chances, including the 5 minute major we scored when Feds went down. You have to score on those, you just have to.
-Feds did in fact come back, and seems fine.
-We're really feeling Malkin's absence.
-MAF still rocked it pretty hard.

I obviously can't string together coherent thoughts that well.
Zoe is going to be taking care of you kids for a while now, and she promises that she won't post anything about cats.
Unless it's dire, like we find photos of the boys cuddling kittens. In which case everything changes.
Oh my god why do I keep talking about cats.
Seriously.

Everything will be lovely, I guarentee it.
The playoffs are soon.
The weather is getting to be lovely.
THINGS ARE WONDERFUL.

We're over it.
Never losing again.
GO PENS.

news you already know.

2010-03-30T22:54:00.006-04:00

Pensational asks for a Blingee, and he receives.

I had to sign up for a "Blingee Plus" account.
Sort of unsettling.

Ya'll know what's up.
Tanger, 4 more years, $3.5 million cap hit.
Unicorns and so on.

Some people think this is the best news in the world of the Penguins for the past ten thousand years, save that whole winning the cup business.
Others are like "srsly wtf, why."
Some think that Gonch is curtains.
Blahblahblah, we hate "some people" and don't care what they say.
Here's what we think.

We like Tanger.
He's spirited, a great player, and has the magical blood of a mythological creature.
Also, he provides us with photos like this:
Yaaaaay!

However, there are times where we want to kind of ring him 'round the ears, as our grandmothers would say, because he's overemotional, and when he gets down, it takes him an awful lot to buck back up. Almost never happens in the same game, in fact. One mistake gets him in this weird mood, and he's bound to make more.
We'll keep him.
However, not in the face of losing Gonch.
Tang isn't worth 3.5 a year (unless he starts trending upwards, which we're yet to see enough evidence of), but the reality is that Gonch is getting old. He might take a short-term deal at a discount and we might get both.

Those of you who think the extension has him locked down, don't get too comfortable. Tanger has been our idea of tradebait for some time, and he still is. Remember the extension Whits got? He was still splitscity the moment we decided we needed to make some better moves.
So who knows?
In sHero we trust, obviously.
Either way, right now, we're mildly-pleased-to-indifferent about this move.
Sorry to the Lemangs and Tang fangirls.

Tomorrow we be playin' this man.
Brother Steven has 45 goals.
We mean, like, real goals.
As is, right behind Cappy and Ovie.
No, we mean it.
Yeah, we know, right?
What the fuck.

Despite Brother Steven apparently deciding that he wants to play hockey for a living, this game should be pretty easy for us to throw into the efforts of leading the division.
Who wants Jersey to win, like, anything?
We refuse.
And so will the Pens.

Forgive any shortness in the coming days.
I am Queen Mono of the Diseased Kingdom of Philly.
Take pity. And do tribal dances for my wellness.

More importantly, dance for the Pens.
Are you dancing?
DANCE.

GO PENS.

Andrew Murray Monday

2010-03-29T23:49:00.002-04:00

In two straight Columbus Blue Jacket dismantlings of the Chicago Blackhawks, one of our favorite Blue Jackets, Andrew Murray, has scored.
While the Blue Jackets are no longer undefeated when he scores (his 4 goals this season have all come in March; his win percentage is 50%, 62.5% if you count a point gained in OT) we like to consider this a little homage to his (and the Jackets') magical run last season.

Why do we love Andrew Murray?
Why did we spend $50 apiece on game-used Andrew Murray sticks in Columbus once upon a time (after specifically having them call down to the warehouse to fetch them)?
The answer to this question probably belies the unique way in which we feel about hockey.
First of all, he looks a little cross-eyed and joyous.

And this video of him changed our lives beyond belief last season:

His voice is like honey entering our souls or something. He's basically the most pure and beautiful person we can think of.

Is it just us or was he staring into space imagining puppies before the guy asked his first question?

Here's his amazing goal against Vancouver earlier this month.

Also just watch this because Dorsett fights and Jakub Voracek scores on a penalty shot and Murray scores later and it's perfect. And plenty of cannon.

The Hawks are still okay but Hossa's a dick.
Woooooooo.

Thank you for tuning in for Andrew Murray Monday.
We're sorry, we just had to celebrate a little something.
We'll think of something else for tomorrow as we prepare for the Pens/Lightning game and the continuation of our epic ass-kicking homestand.

WOOOOOOO
Go Pens.

we don't want to be those people

2010-03-28T16:57:00.008-04:00

Before we head to the night's awards show, we'd like to direct your attention to the blue stage, where we'll be addressing the Post-Gazette's reportage that the 2011 Winter Classic will be at Heinz Field between the Pens and the Caps.
First thing's first, that is just ridiculous.
Okay, seeing a Pens/Caps game with vintage unis in Pittsburgh would be cool. But not in 2011. The overexposure of Sid and Ovechkin has already reached the point of absurdity. All this does is cause the rest of the league to complain about a paper list of the Pens roster being Gary Bettman's favorite masturbatory rag, and cause RIVALRY commentary from idiot people on television, and create an awesome high-octane hockey game that could have been a lot less annoying about three or four years down the line. Sid and Ovechkin are going to be forces far beyond next season, so why not create anticipation around this event?
If this does end up being the case, that the game is at Heinz Field between the Pens and the Caps in 2011, the League just becomes even more of a joke. Again.
There are other teams that could have a chance.
Doing the double-header with a game in Canada between the Flames and the Oilers is an okay idea. . .but why shouldn't that be the main event?
Maybe wait until the Caps franchise has actually done something before letting them into the Classic. . .?
J/k a little on that last bit but still.
Flames/Oilers as the main event for Winter Classic 2011 sounds just about perfect to us as Pens fans.
Just saying.
Maybe in a few years we should have the Classic at PNC Park. The attendance is a lot less but it would be nice to use that beautiful stadium for something exciting. And it is a fucking gorgeous stadium with an amazing view of the city. Can you imagine hockey being played there in a few years, maybe the Pirates can have a winning season, and the Pens can kick the Caps' asses as downtown sparkles above in the winter sunshine.
Of course the NHL won't put it at PNC Park despite obvious advantages because it means that more tickets will be sold at exorbitant prices for people to sit in annoying yellow chairs with a bunch of drunk asshole yinzers who didn't know the Steelers weren't playing.
Okay, we like Heinz Field and we like the Steelers but this would just be puke.

And let's not forget the eternal dream to have Pens/Flyers at Beaver Stadium. Might have to wait until like 2016 or something for that since both teams have just been in a Classic but what a game that would be.

Not next year.
We don't want that.
Not that we won't sell our organs to get tickets because we tend to be in Pittsburgh over New Year's, but still.
It's a stupid idea and we'd rather have that moment in a few years so that it means more, so it feels like more than a stupid marketing/TV ratings ploy, so that it has the magic that it has the potential to have.
And so other great franchises in the NHL have a chance to experience the Winter Classic.

Which segues really well into the awards show, don't you think?
The Leafs would be a fun Winter Classic for Canadians. They have a lot of vintage unis to choose from, for example, and they have a lot of fanboys, and their story of the last few seasons has been pretty rollercoasterpukecanIgetoffnow.
A Classic in the next few years for Toronto would be a fun boost for the franchise and its fanbase. But, Bettman continues to be a complete asshole and roll our franchise out repeatedly, with all of its genuine heart and loving fans, for the benefit of everyone's wallets.

Tonight was a good game for both franchises. Toronto has been a great spoiler here at the end of the season, taking points from teams who are fighting for their playoff lives. The Pens want the #2 seed over Jersey, in short because Jersey blows and we don't care about them.

WHO PREVAILS!??!?!
We shall see. . .on the red carpet:

MOMENT YOU KNEW EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE HAD SOME EXTRA COFFEE BEFORE THE GAME
If anybody's awake at 5PM on a Sunday we question their sanity. It's pretty much the most useless time of the entire week.
Home fans bust out a Let's Go Pens chant right before someone touches up when the Leafs ice it. Bizarre.
Out of nowhere some Leaf gets a breakaway and tries the Forsberg move on Fleury. He has to go down to make the save; Colton Orr thinks he's at the bowling alley with Wayne Primeau and it ends up in the net.
1-0 Leafs. Ugh.
Both teams go through the motions to get chances after that but both goaltenders look sharp.

MOST COURT SUMMONS
Adams and Rupp go out with some extra energy in the form of Tyler Kennedy. Rupp and Adams do the hard work and Kennedy grinds his way to the front of the net. Still so weird to see the puck in the net behind #35 in a leafs uni who isn't Vesa Toskala for PH staff.
Apparently President Tyler is emulating a celebration for a gift pony he didn't particularly like:

GROUP HUG THE PONY WASN'T THAT BAD
. . .much better.
In a continuation of last night's theme, we bring you a pony in a sweater:
are those seriously booties?
. . .and now back to our regularly scheduled program. . .

BEST USE OF SASKATCHEWAN IN TELEVISION BROADCASTING
Some big hits going on and Steiggy and Errey start discussing the merits of Saskatchewan since Kunitz is from Regina and Schenner is from Saskatoon.
"Ever been to Saskatchewan?"
"No, never been. Never been to Saskatchewan. Lotta hay there I think."
Amazing.
Bob Errey is our reason for living.

Pens go on to kill a 5-on-3.
Giguere apparently doesn't know his team is on the PP and thinks we iced the puck and Errey mocks him. Watch your karma Bobby.
31 straight PKs for the Pens.
The Poni-Sid-Dupes line goes out and destroys lives but the period had to end eventually.

DON'T YOU WISH YOU HAD THIS ASSHOLE ON YOUR FANTASY TEAM
Leafs get some zone time but can't do much with it.
Then Kessel enters the zone.
God damn how did that go in
2-1 Leafs

BUT YOU DEFINITELY HAVE THIS GUY ON YOUR FANTASY TEAM
Shortly thereafter Brooks gets the puck to the net like a man and Crosby gets body position on Schenn in front.
It's really funny watching Schenner trying to play hockey with Sidney Crosby.
We love Schenner and his dumb face with all of our hearts but the way Crosby outworked him was hilarious.
Sid's in division-winning mode, he has no feelings.
Getting some shades of Steve Mason's Calder year what with the murdered hookers and shit.
Go Sid Go.
And haaaay Brooks got an assist.
2-2

BEST TV TIMEOUT EVER
The Pens come back from the break with some amazing faceoff play. Brooks drags the puck down the wall and feeds it to Sid.
Goal #2.
If Crosby does manage to win the Rocket Richard we want yunz guys to know right now that the award is still a meaningless regular-season achievement that counts in our hearts a lot less than the Art Ross.
Great leaders know which trophy in the NHL matters.
Still, would be cool if Sid can keep putting up the points.
That's a yummy goal.
3-2 Pens.
Afterwards Tang takes some penalty, Pens kill it and even get some shorthanded chances. If this penalty kill were a condom no one would ever get pregnant.

VOMIT
Some dude named Carl Gunnarsson scores. Apparently they found him when they went snipe hunting for Gustavsson in the Swedish league.
No picture of the goal but we're pretty sure the dude's an android.
thoughts?

Crosby and TK make some amazing play after which Errey calls "brute strength." They should call it that when they draw it up.

Tail end of period Pens get a too much man. TK will serve, which seems appropriate.

I SWEAR I DIDN'T KILL THAT PROSTITUTE
Ever get the feeling that Sid only gives intermission interviews because he knows it's his job? He'd probably rather be taping his stick and imagining his future as the ruler of his own island nation in the Arctic Ocean. No one knows how many prostitutes you have to kill to earn your own island but we'll ask Fat Steve, he probably has a tally.

BEST PK! STILL
Cooke gets a breakway and Giguere doesn't even give a shit because it's Matt Cooke. Mistake.
Talbot lures the Leafs into a false sense of security by carrying it up slowly and then takes it quickly to the net. Giguere says no. Killed after that.

EXCEPT NOT
Colton Orr bowls over Fleury and pins his neck to the ice, and Fleury decides that he's had enough of this shit and takes a penalty trying to fuck up Colton Orr. Colton Orr then just grabs onto Orpik for no apparent reason. Awesome sequence.
Poni will serve this one.

With five seconds left on the penalty, Goalie Karma gives Marc-Andre a slap in the face:
Bozak whatevs
4-3 :(

We get a PP but nothing happens. God damn.

WORST IDEA
So the aluminum pint from Miller Lite is so goddamn trashy we can't process it.
FSN brings it to us on a "fake commercial break." Amazing amount of fail late in the game. Steigerwald is nonplussed.
Who the fuck wants a pint in a can of Miller fucking Lite? God Miller Lite sucks.
Moving on.

THE WADE REDDEN AWARD
Crosby undresses Phaneuf and almost gets the HT.
The crowd gets into it.
The Let's Go Pens reaches playoff volume for a sweet second.

Jordan Leopold?
Jordan Leopold hears it. He sends a rocket to the net which is expertly deflected in by Mattie Cooke.
WE HAVE. . .LIFE!
Poni taps Matt on the head on the bench to show some love.
The arena is loud.
Lots of fast skating on the late period push. It's scary, but no go. OT.

MOST SHARP INTAKES OF BREATH
OT is basically Fleury saving the motherland.
Then Crosby gets a breakaway.
Beauchemin makes the diving play, throws his stick.
That's a penalty.
Remember the outside chance that the Pens would sign Beauchemin in the offseason?
Aren't you glad our defensemen haven't thrown any sticks yet?
God damn.

4-on-3 OT PP is business.
Sid has the hat trick and the game on his stick more times than we care to count but Giguere thinks it's 2007 and time to make some big saves.
Lame.
Shootout time!

Shots 45-29, if not for some defensive lapses we have the Leafs crying to the locker room a long time ago.
Also just take out Colton Orr. Shame Godard wasn't around to drop him.

OTHER REASONS WHY BROOKS ORPIK WAS YOUR #2 STAR
There is some delay to the shootout as the zamboni wants to frolic in the lights some more.
On top of his three assists Orps caused Tanger to make some kind of face before he did his little move.
Tanger didn't score but we still consider this moment significant in terms of the game's thematics and overall narrative arc. Pic via Empty Netters.

Kessel?
Fuck off.

Sid?
Lols of course.

Kulemin? Eat us. Nope.

Duper can win it. Why is Pascal Dupuis the third shooter, you may wonder?
God damn, Pascal.

Iconic picture.
Unreal, amazing sweater in the front row.
It's always the 1990's in Pittsburgh and we love it.

PENS WIN
5-4 SO
JKLSJKLSJDLK

With Jersey choking on dick versus Philly tonight we have a tenuous and possibly temporary hold on the division, but we'll beat it out of somebody. We can do it!

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST INTENSE FACEOFF FACE
JStaal

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Dupes - holy shit who are you
2. JLeo - sex on a stick
3. Jean-Sebastien
probably should have had a real one

Tomorrow, we've planned a post that probably only matters to us and no one else in the world, but you'll just have to deal with that.

Leave your thoughts on the game and the proposed Winter Classic at Heinz Field in the comments. If you like the idea we'll probably make fun of you but whatever.

GO PENS.

rape rape dynamo.

2010-03-27T19:50:00.004-04:00

Oh Philadelphia, how green were your fields?
Not very.
This game started out all scary and then turned out to be a gigantic kitten.
And not just any kitten.
A kitten wearing people clothes.
WHEN WILL KITTENS LEARN THAT THEY HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN SWEATERS?
Ugh.

Anyway, let's get to the awards before this gets anywhere worse.

AWARD KIM IS LEAST EQUIPPED TO GIVE OUT
Apparently Arron Asham and Scott Hartnell have greasy, hairy dude sex on the ice before I can even get my shit together enough to turn on my television.
This is what it looked like, allegedly.
I have no personal experience to say if it is accurate.
It could be completely photoshopped, for all I know.

FEISTIEST GOALIE AWARD
Maf passes to his defenseman and Giroux is like "EXCUSE ME WHILE I TOUCH YOU AND JUST HANG ON WHILE YOU TRY TO BEAT ME OFF."
Maf doesn't understand. "LOLOLOL SIR YOU ARE ON MY ARM COULD YOU NOT DO THAT MERCI"
Maf gets an extra juicebox at intermission for his trauma.

AWARD THE PRESS IS LEAST EQUIPPED FOR US TO GIVE OUT Claude Giroux goes to the box for his crimes.
We get nothing done. Like, NOTHING.
It's depressing and we all cry about it and look up more kittens in sweaters to calm ourselves.
Finally we get some scrambling by the Flyers net. Billy and Poni can't quite make it happen.
Finally, Kunitz makes it happen.
MAF gets an assist.
THE PRESS DOES NOT.
KITTY WHY ARE YOU IN A SHARK SWEATER OMG YOU HAS A FIN.
Okay, we are more calm now.
Bring on the 2nd period.

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE CALL
Simon Gagne scores.
Meanwhile, MAF is being raped by Ville Leino.
NOW NOW NOW don't get us wrong, but our faces were similar to the faces on the Flyers' bench when we saw that the play was being "reviewed" (okay, not REVIEWED, but talked about in detail after the fact.)
Say what, homes?
We're not saying we think the Flyers deserved this goal.
Nope, not a chance.
But we ARE IN FACT SAYING that to call it off was just a little bit bullshit.
If that were US, in that same situation, we would have been up in arms over it.
As is, we'll take it. But not without noting that it was sort of ridic.

MORE THAN A FEEEEEELINGGGGG
Cappy hits the puck into net-land, but it can't quite make it across the threshold.
Dupes carries it across like a bride still in her gown.
And then the love happens.
Oh my.
Boys.
Can we keep this to the locker room?

Lest anyone cease to be afraid of Cappycakes, REMEMBER THIS:
THE FEAR IS REAL.

THE WUT AWARD
Brian Boucher is in net for the Flyers all of a sudden.
We're a little lost.
Pulling Backlund at 2-1? This has to be injury based, right?
Right.
Right?
WOULD EVERYONE STOP BEING SO SHADY AND JUST TELL US?
We think that he was just crying wolf because he wanted us to believe that those goals were let in simply because he was not "on top of his game."
Mmmmhmmmm sir.
Tell it to this guy.
He doesn't fuckin' buy it.

THE OMNOMNOMNOM AWARD
We're not sure what way all of this is going to go.
Until, that is, Feds hands the puck to Mattie Cooke, who promptly puts it home.
Mattie Cooke scored?
This game = pwned.

LEAST PRESS PARTICIPATION, PART TWO
Cappy and Feds strike fear into the hearts of Philly fans as they drive the final nail into the coffin.
Press hadn't yet caught wind that hockey was being played today.
They won't until around five pm tomorrow. Just in time to miss that game.
We can't imagine how Philly fans felt EXACTLY as the score that was once 2-1 in their favor had somehow become 4-1 in ours.
But we imagine a sweatered cat can help illustrate.
(ominous voice from above: FINISH HIM!)

(ominous voice from above: K-O!)

PENS WIN
4-1
SUCKASSSS

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

LIKE SYRUP OVER HOT WAFFLES
The only difference is that Max Talbot gets mildly less excited over this.

ALT THREE STARS

1) Refs - Where the fuck where your minds? We love it.
2) Cats of the world - For making the world better for all of us, especially MAF.
"LOLOLOL WHY IZ ZHAT KITTIE IN A RAIN JACKET LOLOLOLOL ZHOSE ARE PEOPLE CLOTHEZ YOU CANNOT WEAR ZHEM LOLOLOLOL WANT TO SHARE MY JUICEBOX WITH ME?"
3) Me - I win.

GAME TOMORROW
BE THERE OR BE somewhere else.

GO PENS

oh just fucking cry about it

2010-03-25T09:51:00.005-04:00

Have you no decency, people?
Everyone who is crying can kindly head for the exits because we don't have time for your shit.
Wanna know why?
This is probably the best complete game that the Pens have played in awhile.
If not for less than 120 seconds in the third, we come away with a huge-ass W and bragging rights.
Even after the defensive lapse on Alex Semin: the team displayed unity and gave itself a chance to win.

It's the unity aspect you should be worried about: because I mean, the shootout is totally relevant in the playoffs, right?

Fuck off. Stop crying. Unity isn't just the means to an end, it's how you survive a 7-game series. And in Verizon Center, surrounded by the ineffable noise of Washington Capitals fans trying to hold their drool in their faces and ringing bells and screaming, the boys found some.
An anticlimactic end to one of the most exciting, closely matched games of the season.
If you didn't appreciate the hockey you saw, well. . .
you should probably be reading something else.

THE "KTHX" AWARD
Early on we get a chart of leading regular season winning percentages of active coaches.
Probably a little obvious to do a comparison list for how many Cups they have in San Jose and Washington.
But okay.
Moving on. . .

LOUDEST RETARDS
There's some kind of awful noise in the arena, we think it's overratedness.
Pens get an early PP when Tom Poti tries to put a puck out of its misery by clearing it over the glass. It's pretty easy for Theodore for awhile still, what with Daddy Gonch being out due to illness and all). Every time someone gets a clean look at the net Jose is like "HRRRNGUGGHUGRNRNGNGHHHH ARE YOU PARIS HILTON"
In terms of winning battles to pucks, the Pens are basically playing 12-year-old girls at church day camp.

WORST STYLE OF PLAY
Alex Ovechkin never works for the puck. We just don't see it. His teammates do the work and he skates around like a one-man wrecking crew waiting for the puck.
It's so great.
We wish we had great leaders and scorers like Alex Ovechkin.
OH SHIT NVM
Things happen for awhile.
Rupp tries to fight three men at once.
It's beautiful and ugly all at once.
Goligoski had the most perfect shot at Theodore ever with 2 minutes left, even had Theodore off his angle, but Fleischmann's stick was fat and in the way.
At the buzzer, Cooke gets in Ovie's face. We love it when Mattie earns his paychecks the right way.

THE TAKING IT FROM BEHIND AWARD
Early in the second, when Knuble works his way behind Fleury's net by himself, you can basically feel the goal. This comes after Orpik's genius pokecheck on Ovechkin, but it must not have been meant to be:
Knuble bangs one in.
Staal trying to find excess overratedness leaking from Knuble so he can send it in for the mail-order prize.
1-0

MOMENT YOU KNEW YOU'D NEED TO GO BUY SOME PREGNANCY TESTS
Caps push after the big goal but the Pens put the grinders out. Talbot, Rupp, and Adams beat some pucks into submission. Orpik with the big drive from the point, and guess whose tacky ass is parked in front of Jose?
The amount of sex contained in this goal is next to indescribable.
Max goals are basically my personal reason for being alive, so. . .
1-1
Woooooo!

SOFTEST LITTLE GOAL EVER
We get some cycles going, we draw a penalty.
Crosby takes it to the net on the PP, hands it across the crease to Billy G who just sliiiides it on in there.
Like a glove.
We'd show you a picture but it happened so fast and so beautifully that apparently all photographers in attendance were too content with life to bother taking a picture.
2-1
Fuck off.

BEST INTERMISSION FEATURE IN RECENT MEMORY
Max waxes philosophical about his goal, and The Way We Need To Play. He loves the camera, of course.

And the camera loves him.
HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY DAN POTASH!!!!!!!!
Never losing again.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH
Ovechkin keeps trying but no dice.
Fleury stones Fehr on a semi-breakaway, almost gives the rebound on a platter, but no.
Giveaway to Matt Bradley in the slot? Fleury is up to the fucking task.
As the Caps take some penalty, Steiggy basically jinxes the team for good when he says that the Caps have only lost four games at home in regulation this season and how odd it is to see them failing.
Dear God, Paul.
You didn't mean that, did you?
Shit.

Pens try to make some pass, Semin picks it off, goes down the ice and makes Goligoski look like Wade Redden.
Yyyyyyyyeah not buying it.
2-2

Shortly thereafter McKee saves a sure goal by Knuble with the Holy Pokecheck.
But, Mike Green and Eric Fehr hook up for a deflection out of basically nowhere.
There goes the homestead. . .
3-2

THE "YOU HAVE ARRIVED" AWARD
Jordan Staal is seriously a big deal.
The Pens have great chance after great chance in the final minutes, but somehow Jose manages to not dissolve completely.
After a faceoff, Jordy makes a perfectly placed shot, and Theodore just doesn't know where it is.
You could fucking taste that goal.

3-fucking-3

And we're headed for overtime! Surely something interesting will happen in overtime.

THE OUR FUCKING HERO AWARD
because of this beauty, we live to see the. . .
skills competition?

Letang and Crosby had beautiful moves. William Guerin not so much. But we'll take it.
Some people, however, seem to have Fleury's number.
Mike Knuble, who, any other day of the week, is probably the guy who changes your oil:
HEY MARC RINGRING I'M CALLING YOU.

FUCK
PENS LOSE
4-3 SO
cockmonster

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST CHILD SUPPORT
I WANT THAT CHECK IN THE MAIL DO YOU HEAR ME
NO BROOKS YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF PAYING YOUR HALF
I DON'T KNOW WHOSE IT IS OKAY

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Marc-André Fleury - Love you.
2. Tyler Kennedy - Always a good decision.
3. Mike Green - Because he called Eric Fehr a "beauty" on his Twitter awhile back and we don't know how to process that.

Good game.
Good Unity.
We'll be back.
GO PENS.

hate week keeps rolling

2010-03-24T13:38:00.003-04:00

The Penguins are in Washington tonight, Game 2 of what has been touted as a 3-game series of hate.

Analysis of last night? Fat overload, Swede overload, gremlin overload. Just bad shit. We know what it's like to be beaten by the Red Wings and it a rivalry of pure hate. i.e. we (PH Staff) hate the Red Wings and we assume the Pens players probably aren't BFFs with them either.

The Capitals rivalry is born of history and the media.
The Pens historically own the Caps. However: Washington is now basically known for its potent offense. And the Ovechkin/Crosby/MalkinSometimes thing just creates a media frenzy, the likes of which we hate to get involved in, lest we become overwhelmed by the cockmonsters therein.

Suffice it to say, the awkward, difficult, un-self-assured homoeroticism of an average Washington Capitals game is enough to make us wonder if we should have left the TV off and read some Foucault instead.

The mere act of being in Verizon Center seems to take Sid to some different, otherworldly level.
If the team decides to band together and start ramping up team defense and getting nasty, now would be a good time.
As always, the Caps are probably going to bring it inasmuch as they know how, i.e. by ejaculating all over everything.
If the Hate Level wasn't there for them in Game 7 against the Pens last year it ought to be this year if the teams were to somehow meet in the postseason.
We can beat them. We can beat anyone. So long as we're unified.
Unity like this:

Blingee video:

GO PENS.

"i'm fat and awful."

2010-03-22T20:54:00.009-04:00

We weirdly don't feel bad about this loss.
You know?
MAF was great.
Our D beasted.
The forwards, well, they got enough chances that we won't call 'em out.
It was just one of those nights. The boards. The refs. The bounces.

This is going to be a quick one.
Like we said, you've gotta work for it.
And while there wasn't a lack of work, there was a lack of...something.
That and we're kind of busy.
So sue us.

MOST WASHED UP EXCUSE FOR A HOCKEY CITY EVAR
The whole game they're bringing the CROSBY SUCKS.
Boo'ing when he touched the puck, et cetera.
You would have thought it was Philly or something. Some other team that has shifted focus from winning things to hating others.
So sad.

FATTEST FUCK
Jimmy Howard, you piece of shit.
Apparently he's besties with the other fattie,
Zoe grabbed the fatcap.
It's tragic.
Some blingees to celebrate, anyone?
Hopalong Cassidy with his first blingee contribution.
Let's all give him a round of applause.
Some natural talent up in here.

Debrisslide with the whales.

Kimberlass with the foodstuffs.

MOST DISGUSTING CAMERA WORK
Filppula somehow gets a goal.
The camera finds him on the bench
Zoe described it beautifully: "The glare from the lights was on his visor so it was all white over his eyes and his mouth was wide open like a fucking. . .I don't know what. And his tongue was probing and salivating all over his face his tongue was so large. He looked like an insect. He looked like he was trying to pollinate something."
Zoe is clearly a genius of literature.
Score one for the Wings. Fuck off.

THE WORST TIME CAPSULE
He may have scored for you tonight, but you tell us how that's going in 2021 when he's looking like a fat Jared Leto getting all geriatric on your ice.

THE "WUT?" AWARD
We have no idea what went on.
Kunitz probably should have gotten a point.
Maybe?
Pascal comes away with it, unassisted.
Whatevs.
It went in, that's what matters.

We don't ask questions when it's a good thing.

THE WORST, ACCOMPANIED BY SOME REDEMPTION
Hank gets it in again.
But then he knees Howard in the head.
We don't really know what to feel, but we're laughing pretty hard about it.

If you want to make your own Howard Fat Blingee, here is the photo we used.

THE CHERRY ON TOP

Wings Win
3-1
Fuck it.

ALT THREE STARS

Ktang- Beast.
Feds - Beast.
Zetterberg - For kneeing Howard in the head when we wanted to.

Sometimes you just have to say "fuck it" to a game. We are using our right on this game. It was whatever. We didn't do poorly. It just kind of ran away from out grasp.

Emily V's in the spirit of the playoffs.
She sent us a totally awesome haiku in the fashion of PH pride.
Cobra Scorpion
Whiskey Shenanigans time.
Can I eat the snake?

We'll have a call to arms like in the days of old when we clinch. Start getting those juices flowing.

Remember, sometimes forgiveness is a part of love.
But we're never losing again.
HOPE
FAITH
And the Caps are on Wednesday. So sometimes, we remind you, RAGE is a good thing too.
GO PENS.

PH Community Police Notice

2010-03-21T12:11:00.004-04:00

Hey yinz bitches.
Recently we've been getting some e-mails and comments that something is awry in the community of PH.
We're here to save the day.
(Well clearly, it's what we do.)

The comments section is something that has always mystified Zoe and myself. We love that you guys have used PH as a way to network with other crazy people like yourselves. We're always totally excited to hear that you have met up, gone to games together, or just that you've found other people on the interwebs who make you feel more awesome about your awesome selves.
Thus, when something is making ya'all uncomfortable, it becomes our duty to police the territory and make sure that you can continue on in your merry way of awesomeness.
You guys really are our favorite people. We say it a lot, but let us stress, from commenters to email-ers to twitter...-ers? to the people who creep around and say nothing but read our posts, the reason we keep doing this is because of you guys.

SO.
From this point on, we are enacting our blog-given right to delete inappropriate comments.
We're not modding your comments. You guys have been too awesome, we don't want to do that. But PH staff is now on 24-hour-watch for anything we don't like, and we aren't afraid to press delete.
The playoffs are coming.
We can't have you guys being distracted.
We all need to focus our mind power on the win.

SHIT'S GONNA GET BLOCKED.

This won't really have anything to do with most of you.
Nothing is going to change.
Also, we're not deleting negative comments, douchebags, or people who hate us. That's unfair. We're just getting rid of people who make things uncomfortable.

This has been a Public Service Announcement.
Please continue your daily happenings.

0.9 0.9 0.9

2010-03-20T19:00:00.004-04:00

Fuck that. We're better than that. Cocks.
Get pretty for the awards and quick, because either you're glorious or you get sent home.

MOMENTS WHEN YOU COULD ALREADY SMELL THE DISAPPOINTMENT
No one gets a shot for the first five minutes basically.
Lots of skating, pursuing, feeling the other team out bullshit.
Malkin is back on the ice and it doesn't take him long to make shit happen. Legace almost poops himself in that moment, but he'll wait til later to bust out the Depends.

Then the Pens decide to make a Starbucks run in the middle of the game. Zach Boychuk says hey to Fleury. Whoops.
1-0.

The rest of the period, we assume you were trying to count the Staal brothers references. Henry and Linda were at the Mellon today, as Steiggy and Errey told us. Basically if you were playing a shots version you passed out and missed the rest of the game. Congrats.

OH GOD NOT THE FUCKING ROOKIE AGAIN
The second is looking like more of the same, some penalties, etc. Kennedy seems to have some kind of vendetta against Legace, or probably just wants to bury one, whatever. He crashes into his net and starts mixing shit up on two straight shifts.
He basically falls over Legace trying to destroy worlds.
Somebody put the Gatling gun away, fuck.
He tries to play through it, but Justin Peters eventually comes a'knockin'.
If Canes fans were worth a shit they'd Blingee some heroic shit onto this. Kid's been good.

Both teams get their chances, and on a late-period power play Ponikarovsky makes a sex-on-a-platter pass to Jordan Staal who is wide open on the right side.
Some photography intern with the Associated Press makes our success into Art.
That should have been the big moment of the game. However keeping momentum is a lot harder than it sounds.

MOST DECEPTIVE BADASSERY
Pens come out looking good in the third. Take some dumb penalties and then just show the world their huge, indomitable cocks with the beast-ass PK. Fleury is stellar. The boys are awake. 5-on-3 and 5-on-4, the Hurricanes can't get one in.
After some more penalty festivities, Malkin changes your world:
Ooooh yeah, bitches.
2-1

The rest of the game should be about maintaining this lead and pushing the issue offensively. Duh.
nvm let's basically leave Pitkanen open as all hell.
ooooooops.
2-2

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOMENT IN RECENT MEMORY
Overtime is chance-trading all over. Both goalies stop a few. A post is hit behind Fleury and you piss yourself. But a little prematurely, because somehow, some dude named McBain thought that his existence was allowed:
Yeah, no. Call us and resubmit your paperwork and we'll consider it.
0.9 seconds left FUCK ALL OF YOU

PENS LOSE
3-2 OT
THE POINT IS NICE BUT IF WE EVER LET THAT HAPPEN IN OVERTIME AGAIN SOMEONE'S GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A BLOOD SACRIFICE.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

PEOPLE WHO LOOK MOST LIKE THEY JUST SAW SOME SCARY SEA CREATURES
Jussi and Mattie

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Evgeni Malkin - is on acid
2. Tyler Kennedy - is on acid
3. Chad LaRose - graduated kindergarten with his shoe-tying award

Next week = enormous week, especially coming this late in the season, holy shit

GO PENS

Puck Huffers Teaches You Shit

2010-03-20T00:04:00.003-04:00

Hi all. Bit of a late post, but based on the night's events, we figured it was apropos. We hope you give a shit about other teams in the league, because we sure do, despite the fact that we preach a Penguins First policy here at PH. This lesson should help.

LESSON #3: THE COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS (AND THE OTHER UNDERDOGS)
In the 2008-2009 season, we fell in love with another team, and that was the Columbus Blue Jackets.
Fighting to make the playoffs for the first time in franchise history, they warmed our hearts with their all-heart team defense, and the adventures of Rick Nash and Kristian Huselius to take over the world on a regular basis. Then they traded for Vermette. And it was all uphill from there with our love affair.
Speaking of: Steve Mason, who is having sophomore slump of the century, but we still love him, for his league-leading shutouts, sexy flexibility, and culpability in hundreds of prostitute murders in the Ohio River Valley.
And Fuzzy Mike Commodore, who we love, forever and ever.

Basically they were just magical last year.
They were undefeated when Andrew Murray scored a goal. We bought Andrew Murray sticks. Really we were just so enamored. And still are, despite the fact that the Jackets aren't having quite the magical run this year. How's come? Because, goddamn it, they try really hard and are really cute and harmless and also their arena has a sick cannon.

At the heart of this is one simple rule: you just have to love the underdog. The Penguins used to be the underdog--they were the Cinderella story of the NHL. We miss that quality. We shared it with CBJ last year. This year, we're feelin' the Coyotes, for example. Some moments are just that much more magical when you've busted your ass for little to no reward beforehand, as opposed to, oh, I don't know, brought the Stanley Cup back to the city where it belongs and dick-whipped the entire world into submission.

The Penguins are on top right now and have another awesome shot at the finest trophy in all of sports, but you have to remember the little guys sometimes. The little moments. PH Staff was on-hand for CBJ's first franchise sellout and that was a special night. How many consecutive sellouts do the Pens have at this point? I mean Jesus.

This season, Bryz is leading the league in shutouts for the Coyotes, and goodness knows Bryz has busted his ass down there after getting his Cup ring as Giguere's backup and probably forgetting where he was half the time.
(We love you Ilya.)

Point being: there's little romance in being a juggernaut of awesome, and we love the moments of heart that make hockey special.

Tonight, Columbus had a comeback win against the Wild. Rick Nash is a beast, and check out Kris Russell's laser beam:

Business. Go boys go. Play for your pride and the logo on the front.
(Also we have a soft spot for the FSOhio announcing crew. Their joy is our joy.)
(And haaaaaay Mathieu Garon lookin' fuckin' fiiiiiiine out there ain't you? CALL US)

I guess the point is: it's better (in our humble opinion) to be a fan of the sport rather than just a fan of one team and one team's success.
We see inherent value in spreading the love.

Unless you're playing the Pens for any proscribed amount of gametime, in which case, go fucking die in a hole, we have a championship to protect.
This is why we organize the summer picnics, everyone. For the underdogs.

IN OTHER NEWS
Carolina tomorrow at 1PM.
Cam Ward is out indefinitely with a back issue or some shit, so he's probably already atop the mountain with the picnic blanket, chilling the champagne and trying to keep ants away from the strawberries until we can get there.
But we have some Godzilla shit to show Eric Staal.
We have no idea who the goalie's going to be. Will it be Manny Legace? When was the last time you thought about Manny Legace. . .?
We shall see.

GO PENS.

oh, hey, there you are.

2010-03-18T21:35:00.003-04:00

Lololololol.
Sorry, that's all we can think right now.
Our thoughts are all sadkfjadskl;fjad;skl.

This game was almost too perfect.
The Bruins had plenty of chances to do something stupid in the way of "retribution." Instead, they mostly kept their shit together. They were possibly too busy doing that to keep their shit together on the ice.
The Pens outplayed them in every way.
We had it about wrapped up by the third period.
Then our cake got some icing.

Those at the game this evening got a fact sheet; listed on it was the fact that the Penguins were still SO-less.
lolololololol
Suck us.

Roll out the red carpet.
Shit's about to get real.

THE MOST ANNOYING THING
Event nights are so boring for people watching the game on television. Yes, yes, okay, you won the Cup like ten trillion years ago, everyone loves Bobby Orr, we get it we get it CAN WE FUCKING PLAY HOCKEY LIKE EVER WITH YOU PEOPLE.
Our utmost respect, Mister Orr.
But we're sure you'd agree -
Let's just play some fucking hockey.

THE "WELL WHO DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING" AWARD Bruins fans boo the Pens during the opening like they're the goddamn Flyers fans or something. We're hoping they get over this and it isn't a repeat of the Hurricanes fiasco.
If it is, they can suck us, we're too busy kicking ass to really notice.
Haters gonna hate.

Matt Cooke is on the ice for like .2 seconds before he and Thornton exchange words.
"Oh! Hai! How have you been?"
"Quite well, thank you. Your hair looks marvelous. Did you get it cut?"
"Why yes, and I switched conditioners!"
"You'll have to give me the brand name, it is so luxurious."

Mattie loses, we won't lie, but he's not much worse for the wear. We're lucky no one thought it a good idea to pummel him into pieces. Boy ain't quite the fighter, and the B's had an agenda.
Errey asks "Will this be enough?"
We suppose it is.

Alright boys, now that it's out of the way, let's get this done.

THE TOO MUCH MAN AWARD
Of course we celebrate this by fagging it up with a too many men penalty.
The posts are our besties.
We're taking them to brunch tomorrow.
(They have a shot at getting lucky; we've been known to put out for a good brunch.)

TK stages our retribution.
Miroslav doesn't know what the shit is happening.
Dropped his panties on the walk of shame, goes back to look for them as TK finds his way to Rask.
The President is reported to have said "bitch get on yo knees" before firing one past and into the top of the twine.

Rask, of course, listened.
Wouldn't you?

THE MOST DIGNIFIED PRESIDENTIAL CELEBRATION
Yesssssss.

STRONGEST PIMP HANDS
The first five minutes of the second period feels like a constant teabagging for the Bruins.
It was like a constant powerplay.
Staal, Letang Guerin, who DOESN'T get a shot off?
The Bruins are failing like Sid's face in game photos.
"Took a bad photo today.
Didn't have charming cheekbones like Edward.
Bella will never love me.
MLIT."

THE "OKAY SRSLY, THERE IS ACTUALLY TOO MUCH MAN" AWARD
Rupp and Chara decide to have a dance on the ice.
Combined, that is 13 feet and two inches of man.
We get a little hot under our collars.
It's a pretty lame fight. Chara gets the last word.
We would have like to have seen a little more frill, but really, we can't argue with all of that manmanman.

MOST GALLANT STEEDS
LeUnicorn drives one towards the net, and Poni puts it home.
We want to see this more often.
We researched the topic and foundthat there is a company that specialises in providing Enchanted Pony Parties.
From now on, we need only call them up and make a few plans for the magic to be made on the ice.
Right?
Right.
Tyler Kennedy has never been so happy in his life, and he wasn't even on the ice.
ALL THOSE GODDAMN PONIES AND UNICORNS BUT WHERE ARE THE KITTENS WTF.

THE ICING AWARD
We feel bad for the third period.
It was kind of a throw-away.
It would have been worthless if not for...
SHIT YES SON.

PENS WIN
SHUT OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MAKING MASS MURDERING LOOK GOOD
Unfucking real this game.

THE PRESIDENT'S BIGGEST FAN
Whoa there cowboy, did TK sign this bill first?

And, of fucking course
THE MOTHERFUCKING FLOWER AWARD
He DESERVED it. He worked hard not only in this game, but in this season, and it was about fucking time that he finally snatched this up for himself.
We didn't mention him in the awards because, let's be honest, that huge goose egg he got to leave behind with the Bruins is more of a reward than we could ever give him.
What a man. What a hero.
What a Penguin.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1) Eric Godard - Stretching your wings on the ice again, it's a beautiful thing.
2) Sid - YOU'RE A WIZARD, SIDNEY
3) Zoe - PH staff in attendance is always good luck, we swear by it.

So, 1 down, 12 to go. SO obtained. Now we can run it up.
Good thing MAF's going to shut out at least 9 of those and steal the shutout title for the year.
We're glad that we know these things sometimes.

Get some rest. We need to focus that HOPE even more in the coming games.
As always,
GO PENS.
(WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

eat it and eat it hard

2010-03-17T21:05:00.004-04:00

Welcome to the Fattest Net in America, Population Martin Brodeur.
If we knew how to introduce an awards show for this shitshow we would.
Things should have gone well tonight: we dominated faceoffs, dominated the shot clock, hit more, didn't take any penalties except Tanger defending Goligoski and Sid getting pushed into Fatass.
We should have done well.
The Devils played stupidly at times, gave us power play opportunities.
But we for some reason just thought it was awesome to hand them the puck at various points this evening.
Fucking. . .fucking Christmas Trees.
We're not ordered you.

THE ONLY MINUTES IN RECENT MEMORY THAT YOU DIDN'T ACTIVELY TRY TO BREAK OFF NEW JERSEY AND EVERYONE IN IT FROM THE UNITED STATES AND SINK IT INTO THE ATLANTIC
That time Kunitz scored. Remember?
Billy G threw it at the net early on and Kunitz picked up the trash.
We'd show you a picture but the IRA didn't want you to see it.
We're not sure where she thought she was going tonight, but okay.
1-0

LEAST SUBTLE BEGINNING OF AN APOCALYPSE
Fleury is being a wall, and everything is perfect, when suddenly Dainius Zubrus gets himself a breakaway.
We liked him much better when Rob Scuderi was taking care of him with his hip. Alas.
1-1
Maybe a late period goal would set us back on track--
oh, huge giveaway near center.
WELL OKAY PAUL MARTIN IF YOU MUST
2-1

JERSEY HOBO CODESPEAK FOR "SUICIDE"
The second period.
We get a PP due to some interference committed on Orpik, and you can see the sunshiny skies of a tie game, warm weather tomorrow, and sex on a regular basis from at least one person you're attracted to.
Wrong, bitch.
First, Fleury makes you pregnant by making a spectacular save on Travis Zajac's shorthanded breakaway (caused by totally shitty PP passing by our point-men--thanks).
The pregnancy is short-lived, however, because the next play on the power play is basically a carbon copy.
Patrik Elias sticks the coat hanger in there nice and firm.
Worst power play we can remember seeing the Pens run in a long time. Uh.

Brodeur continues to be obese.
File photo:

Martin Skoula, who apparently hates us for trading him, creates a play that gives Zach Parise an opportunity, and Fleury ain't there:
Uhhh.

Danny B puts Brent Johnson in, who makes it his personal mission to end lives.
We love Beej.
Nothing really happens, however, for the rest of the period.
You're dreaming of the huge third period comeback that you know won't happen, what with the Devils clogging up the neutral zone like they're in Uncle Daddy's arteries or something.
Puke.

LET'S JUST PRETEND WE HAVE A CHANCE OKAY
Pens come strong but Fatass earns his paycheck.
Fedotenko makes it happen, and it's 4-2, and you feel good--like we can do this, we've done it before, and we don't need assholes telling us what's what.
The period progresses and you're feeling it. I mean, not a lot is going on, but you can feel a little spark deep within your heart.
But then, Rod Pelley decides that Goligoski would look better faceplanted into the boards. Alex is fine. Pelley gets 5 for boarding. Letang, probably still pissed about those turnovers he made, goes after Pelley and gets 2 for roughing. We have a chance on the 4-on-4 that ensues. . .
We have a three minute power play on which we can score at will. . .
We pull Johnson. . .

Nah.

Rob Niedermayer gets the empty net and we're good to go.

PENS LOSE
5-2
We'd be like "be sure to put your brooms away, New Jersey" but we're pretty sure they were too lazy to get them out.
Snore.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
whatever yo

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Ruslan Fedotenko - Probably the most solid performance we could view. Was still a -1.
2. Matt Cooke - Was a +1 actually and played very well thank you.
3. Brent Johnson - love

Okay, now that we've got that out of the way--
Tomorrow, the Pens are playing one of the most highly anticipated games of the season for all the wrong reasons.
Everyone expects a fucking bloodbath. A lot of people want one.
We find this disgusting.
Yeah, sometimes it's fun to see a melee--but only when it's in the moment. Not when it's been anticipated for quite some time. Stupid, vengeful hockey players do that. If you want to send a message, you do it by playing well, by playing fast, by playing legally. Dropping the gloves is okay. Follow the Code. Defend your teammates, send a message, but don't be a bunch of violent idiots. What Matt Cooke did was stupid and careless, but his intent was to throw Savard off of his game, not to concuss him.
There are some hockey players we'd suspect of intent to injure. Steve Downie (who was just fined for his play on Crosby during the Lightning game) comes to mind--so does Sean Avery who just screams "mental instability."
There are dirty motherfuckers out there. There are assholes. But most of them are only trying to get inside your head--they're not trying to end your season.
We don't even think Ovechkin was trying to end Brian Campbell's season. We'd never suspect him of that. We suspect him of being an uncomfortable individual who doesn't think before he acts and probably doesn't quite comprehend the consequences of his actions, but would he really want to end Brian Campbell's season? Of course not.
We still want his head sometimes but we'd never, ever, ever want to see him hurt.
We don't want to see anybody hurt in hockey.
End.

A veteran crew of officials has already been dispatched to Boston to deal with tomorrow's Pens/Bruins game at TD Garden, which is probably a good idea. If the players play the game as a game of hockey and not as a steel cage match, that will be good for everybody. Brawl, fight, go after each other if that's the mood--but do it the right way. Try to earn the win for your team. Call us crazy, but if you're a team player that's what you should want.
If we find out that Marc Savard, like a good portion of Bruins Nation, wants someone to seriously injure a Penguins player in his defense, we lose all respect for the man.
But that would be absurd.

Read some of the comments on that article, though.
They'll make you sick.

0 pts and malkin or crosby carted off on backboard is fine with me. - Karl-Hungus

The bruins should play a tough game for 2 periods to let the penguins think about what is coming and when.Get a good lead then in the 3rd period clean every players clock all at once.
Including Crosby and Malkin. - dlandry37

I think as soon as the puck is dropped, all five guys should just jump Cooke and pound away until it gets broken up. Then you play 59 minutes and see who has the right stuff. - Jasontis

Not to discount from the people in the comments who know that the best thing to do is play hockey and prove you're the better team, and get the points you need to make it to the playoffs, but the fact that people exist who want to see Crosby, Malkin, or anyone on a stretcher is just tragic.

Pretty sure you'd be hard-pressed to find any amount of people who wanted to see Marc Savard on a stretcher.
He's kind of a dick, but we like the guy.

Jesus people.

Pens@Bruins tomorrow at 7; are you ready to play some hockey in Boston?

GO PENS.

something familiar.

2010-03-16T22:51:00.004-04:00

The warm weather jogged us out of our haze.
And when everything was clear, what did we see?
13 games till the playoffs.
Wut.

So it's time we start priming ourselves for what's to come and looking at where shit's at right now. Every point matters, as always. Now it's just a little more obvious.

WHAT WE KNOW

1) The Caps are in the worst goddamn division in the league.
Sure, it makes us sick that they're leading the league, but we'd just like to say that this division is fucking bullshit. Of course they've clinched it. Was there a question?
Still, they don't have the "Z" yet. They could choke on 459872349857 cocks, and if those cocks were OURS, we'd technically have a chance at it.
Remember HOPE? Let's break it out.
We love aiming for the impossible.
Last year it was the Cup.

2) We have a real shot at our division, which isn't the worst. Somehow we are leading right now, despite us not always feeling like we've done our best.
Apparently we're just like...good enough now that we don't have to be heroic all the time, just show up and put forth some effort.
We won't lie. This season hasn't had the excitement of last season. The lows aren't as low and thus the highs aren't as high.
Malks hasn't been an animal yet.
Crosby isn't growing...he's grown.
He's just a fucking monster, always.
It's sort of like following a fairy tale after everyone rides off into the sunset. Yeah, yeah, we're happily ever after or whatever. Gotcha. Let's get to the playoffs.
Don't get us wrong. We still love the ride. We always do. We just don't want to lose our edge. Last year when the Pens were edging up in the playoffs, a good friend of ours (who is a Leafs fan) said something along the lines of "I'm afraid if the Leafs ever won the Cup I'd get lazy. Like I'd feel as though I could miss a game here and there." At the time, we fervently denied this. Now we see that he was just being wise. Yeah, we've missed games. We didn't schedule classes around the game schedule. We haven't always chosen games over parties.
The Pens are still our lives.
We still live and breathe Pittsburgh.
We're just excited for the playoffs, when everything else falls away and the drama is back and every game is as intense as it was when people were sending in photos of their Comeback City shrines.
We want to, as Michel Therrien would say, Play for Life.

3) We need some changes.
Gotta get those one goal games, gotta stop letting shit go into OT, can't give up quick OT goals, gotta turn Malks on (in every way) and gotta get MAF that SO he needs to go into the playoffs with confidence.

All in all, we're in a great place right now.
We're feeling good, we got that swagger.
You know it, we know it, these crazy bitches know it.
OMGZ HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?!?!?!?!

Anyway if shit in your life is getting too heavy, go check out MLIT, where teenage girls gush about how their life is Twilight. It's tragic and wonderful.

13 games.
Never losing again.
Over it.
Do it.
Hope.
Faith.
Everything we fucking used last season because GODDAMNIT WE BROUGHT IT AND IT WORKED.

GO PENS.

all the single ladies put your hands up

2010-03-15T16:29:00.003-04:00

So, we know we're super late on this, but check out the Vesa in his new duds for Calgary:
The away uni is a bit harsh on his skin tone, no? We look forward to seeing him in the home colors.
We like the new black accents on the pads and blocker though.
He's looking sharp. You can't deny it.
Even if the Flames kind of blow this year. But it's pretty hard to blow as bad as the Leafs lately, so we bet our most confused little Finn is very happy.

As people have been remarking lately, btw, the Pens have yet to shut out another team this season. But they've been shut out a lot, as we recall, with grimaces.
Fleury's pissed about not being able to get one.
But we know he's sick and he'll get one sooner or later.
tPB has already called him to shut out Jersey on Wednesday.
Fuck Fatass Brodeur.
Do it.
At least scare the crap out of some motherfuckers in that godforsaken state.

Also, as you probably know, Malks is day-to-day after getting hit with a Ktang shot. Nothing is broken. Okay. He has a few days to get over it. He'll be fine. We're still not entirely sure that Malks is entirely there mentally this season--he's playing well, but not in the same dominant way, and not in that weird dichotomy of happy-go-lucky and srs that we're used to seeing from the man.
We don't know what would get his focus back.
More or less sex?
Cast your vote in the comments.

Moving on: We love Bryz. We called the Coyotes to be interesting this season in our 2009-10 preview. We feel fairly clairvoyant most of the time, let's be honest. The Coyotes are being the shit. Bryz is a man. We couldn't be more pleased.

There are three games today and they're all pretty okay.
BOS @ NJD
Edmonton @ ourotherbabiesCBJ
Axis of Evil @ some prairie town that's good for nothing except Miikka, Vesa, and oil money

Oh, and we know we promised makeup sex, so here's a .gif that has been doing its rounds on the Internet lately:

The force is strong in this one.
Reminds us of that one video of Petr Sykora with a hacksaw.
Ladies, if you don't know which one we mean, you haven't done your homework.

fldksafjdlasjdsklf
Go Pens.
P.S. Still not dead.

LATE EDIT:
PONI SIGHTING ON THE JUMBOTRON

GO PENS

One Step Closer

2010-03-14T21:46:00.026-04:00

Alrighty folks, The Curse of Zac Efron has struck down the two top bitches in this joint, so you're stuck with me, a me who is still recovering from an ungodly level of drunkness attained at the Rock a few nights ago. Not that I want to talk about that game though. At least tonight, I get to half-assly (what a 'word') bring you a winning recap.
Zoe's in some airport, Kim lost power, and Ann's been taken in by the FBI. They really promise to be back with that makeup sex they've been talking about in a day or so.

Big talking point of the night we have to open with, Steve Downie and Sidney Crosby. During the moments leading up to the game, Errey and Steigy were musing to one another about Downie being suspended in every league he's ever participated in. I am reminded of my distaste for him.
Puck drops. 40 seconds in, he is violently, and very awkwardly taking Sid down along the boards. Basically, I'm the type of person that was able to watch Zednik's neck sliced open without it damaging my psyche. But tonight, it actually bothered me to watch Sid's body contort into that position, and see the pain on his face.
For the sick, masochistic individuals who read this blog, ok, hell, that's all of us, here's the clip: Sid.
Despite the anguish, and apparent injury, Sid was back in the game, not much worse for the wear a couple minutes later. In fact, his amazing ass managed an assist, to boot.
I'm way too apathetic about anything more than basic hydration at the moment, so here's a bunch of pictures from the victory tonight.

Vinny puts one away first.Look at that look on his face. Vinny, try to hide the surprise you feel next time you score. We know you're not the goal machine you used to be, but at least pretend to have a little faith in yourself. How can you expect anyone else to believe in you, if you hardly believe in yourself?

Dupuis ties it up early in the second:
Really, Dupuis? We thought we'd never see a man so loving life since Petr left us. Thank you for reminding us all how to love life.

At some point, there was some typical hockey shenanigans going on in front of the net with Ruslan and Victor Hedman. Hedman walked away with the extra two minutes, which proved to be an important power play for us. But before we get to that, lend a gander to Rus's coif:

Chia city.

On that power play, Gonch puts one away to give us the lead:
Game 2-1 Pens win.
While the game commenced with the fans worrying over the well being of Sid, we ended the game anxious over our other superstar, Malkin. He was hurt in a little friendly fire incident, (sorry, I have Saving Private Ryan on in the background), he took a shot to the foot from KTang. Geno will be re-evaluated tomorrow.

Bit of a trying stretch coming up, but really, isn't that always the case in life?
Go Pens.

...

2010-03-14T12:44:00.005-04:00

So we're sure you're all wondering what the hell happened to us. Why did we disappear like Cam Ward in a playoff game?
If you aren't wondering, shame on you.
We could have been dead in a gutter somewhere.

In reality, other things just happened.
We both returned from Spring break. Zoe made an egregious flightime error that she is currently contesting with the airport. Kim was stuck in the Pittsburgh airport for so long due to Philly flight delays that she started constructing a fountain to woo Catherine Zeta-Jones.

However, she did just get a job as a "cupcake sales associate."
Which, as you can imagine, is quite a relief from her previous position as a "Philadelphia Flyers marketing bitch."
She gets to turn in her red lightsaber and get her blue one back now.

Sorry for ruining everything.
We'll be here for the game tonight.

Go Pens.

oh noes.

2010-03-13T11:59:00.003-05:00

This is how we feel about everything.
We'll be back later today with apologies and make-up blog sex.

Partying with Zac Efron

2010-03-09T21:06:00.031-05:00

(EDIT SCRIPT: If you just want the hockey rant, go to the end of this post)

Hello all of everyone.
Tonight is another very special event in our lives that you can follow along live for something that has 0% to do with hockey. Somehow by the end of the night it will be 42% hockey, because that's just how our minds work, but for now, it's pretty much all about us being a mess.

FIRST OF ALL.
Roadtrips.
We were referring to the Pens road trip in our last post, but as we now understand, people are looking forward to OUR next road trip. It's coming, after the Pens win the Cup again (aka this summer) and it's going to be another exciting happening in our lives. We'll let you know all about that when the time comes.

NOW.
Tonight is a very special liveblog of yet another cinematic masterpiece.

Damn straight. We've got a bottle of rum and a plan, and will present you with yet another PH movie review of Terrible Shit.

Starting....now.

9:22pm - Okay so we were watching previews and there was some film that made it look like Zac Efron was a real actor and we were really confused and our souls hurt. The first drinks have been made. Woooo!

9:23pm- Kim's new goal is to be drunk by the end of the previews.

9:28pm - This film is rated PG-13 for, among other things, teen partying. OH NOES.

9:29pm - IT'S NIKITA FUCKING FILATOV PEOPLE

9:33pm - Nikita's woman doesn't love him anymore so now he's going to blow the big basketball game. This plot is amazing so far. Like. . .holy shit. So many feelings. HE JUST WALKED OFF THE COURT. MAYBE THIS IS WHY COLUMBUS HAD TO LOAN HIM TO THE KHL WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY.

9:35pm - Bitch is pregnant isn't she? Man, Nikita does NOT age well.

9:37pm - Dude Mike Richards appearance. Nikita's life just fell apart. You'll know what we mean if you watch. The word "leadership" will appear.

9:43 - Trying to figure out why high school was the happiest time of Nikita's life. We consulted with Zoë's dad who said if he had a choice he would go back to 1982, when he was 25. Not 17. Who was happy at 17? Who impregnated bitches at 17 and wants that back? Who wants that?

9:52pm - we have the movie on pause for a phone conversation. Please hang tight.

10:08 - We're talking to an amazing man named Dave. We wish he were here. While we can't wait to get back to Nikita, Dave is a welcome distraction. GETTING DRUNKER!!!

10:17 - Nikita trying to convince his nerdy son to be good at basketball and omg when is he going to be 17 again?!?!!?!!!?!

10:20pm - Nikita is no longer a catch. We think that santa man who was a janitor is going to be his magical savior. Nikita is is in the rain. Somewhere between Dave calling and pausing the movie we got reallllly drunk. Oh noes. He's not even 17 again. WE GOT DRUNK BEFORE NIKITA WAS 17 AGAIN.

10:27 - FINALLY HE IS 17 AGAIN AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF THE JANITOR SDFJKJLGNMRFNKLJLADS

10:36 - eating the Tostitos and marveling at the Efron. HE IS WEARING ED HARDY RED ALERT RED ALERT

10:40 - Whatshisface just told Nikita that his shirt was "bedazzled". Wrong. It is "Blingeed". At least it was established that Ed Hardy clothes make you look like a douche. This movie did something important to society.

10:45 Oh dear Ned is playing Internet chess with Samir. We need to get drunk enough so Zac Efron is fuckable. Zac Efron's son is such a nerd. "I'd shake your hand but it's taped to my ass" is an amazing comedic genius that we will never be able to replicate.

10:50 - Stan DOES have a small weiner. . .and we mean that in more ways than the obvious.

10:53 - SHE JUST TOUCHED NIKITA IN THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE WAY OMFG OMFG SHE WANTS TO SMELL HIM WTF

10:56 - autolinked by zacefronforum.com. Lives = complete forever.

10:59 - He made every woman in love with him by explaining the beauty of abstinence. And really he is an awful teenager. Do not understand this film.

10:05 - drunk enough to think this movie is cute.

10:09 - this movie makes statutory rape A-OKAY.

11:15 - Michelle Trachtenberg plays the teenage daughter in this movie. SHE IS ANCIENTTTTTTT. Like literally she is 25. Nikita is currently forbidding her to do something.

11:27 - bitch is still ancient. had the movie paused for pee. Zac Efron is amazing especially at basketball. Also Jan from the Office is the principal. And we live in unreality. And we love Ned and his paisley jacket and we have feelings and omg so many drunk texts but at least Nikita is here.

12:02 - wow. paused movie again so Kim could battle it out with her boyfriend for "not being as cute as Zac Efron". Srsly. He agreed to be as cute so things are better now. we'll alert you as to how that is working out later. we are so drunk that we want boys to be "AS CUTE AS ZAC EFRON IN 17 AGAIN." omg. wtf. how do movies take us a year to watch when they are not even two hours long.

12:16 - we can only dream that our foreplay can one day be done in Elfish.

12:21 - wtf this film. The Ned character is actually exceedingly well-written. But everything else is kitsch city. Not understanding it. Also Nikita. Nikita is not a man.

12:32 - BUT HE IS BECOMING A MAN HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT MAD AWK. CLARENCE THE ANGEL FTW. fjklshjkfldsjfidos

12:36 - okay, movie is over. unlike Twilight, we can actually recommend this movie to drunk people. Well, girls. If you are drunk, ladies, you can happily watch this movie. The plot is weak and it's predictable and stupid, but really, what can we expect? Zac Efron is actually a somewhat okay actor. And this movie has a lot of other respectable actors and a cute enough plot that when wasted on some gov gen you will text your boyfriend telling them to be more like the characters in this movie.
In summation, we're kind of smitten with the boys in the world because of this film. It made Kim resolve a fight with the BF and made Zoe plot some adventures with some awesome dudes that deserve some attention.
Being drunk during this movie was an all around enjoyable experience. Srsly. Twilight was just a shitshow of AWFUL. At least this one had some acting to back up a shit plot. And Zac Efron looks like both Nikita Filatov AND our good friend Kevin so it was good for some laughs.

We feel weird about admitting this, but we sort of drunk-liked this movie. We're girls. We like tacky high heels and we go dress shopping while playing Matt & Kim in the dressing rooms (we did this today). We are ALL ABOUT hockey but sometimes we like to gush about romance. So sue us. We're multi-dimensional. It should make you love us MOAR. We're drinking rum out tha bottle and being weird about Disney stars.
This should make you even more impressed when we can follow every fucking detail of a hockey game.

This is why we love our lady fans and respect our male fans. because you ladies know what it's like being both girly and having a side that turns vicious when a bad hit is landed on our boys or when one of them makes a shot so wicked that we have to sit in awe. You guys love it and understand that we can walk around in six inch pumps and still love and understand the game.
This is who we are. This is what we do.
We're WOMEN. We are women who like to look sexy and walk around like we own the world and seduce men into giving us free hockey cards.
We may love Zac Efron when drunk, appreciate his perfectly coiffed hair, but more than anything we want to fucking watch twenty-year-old games on the NHL network and debate who the best fourth-liner was back in the day.
Ladies, you get it.
Men, you want it (go lady shopping in our comments, we promise our female fans are the hottest bitches in the goddamn world).

What we have set up here is a place where both ladies and men can come and talk about hockey. We do stupid shit like drunkblog worthless films and talk about the hotness of certain NHL players, but you KNOW anyone who follows is no puckbunny - they are the REAL DEAL.
Ladies- don't ever think otherwise. You can girl out in any way you so choose; you don't have to choose between femininity and sports fandom.
Both are ripe for the taking.
Dudes?
Don't you think you should hold your ladies to this standard?
Come on, now.
Zac Efron fans or not, women who are real hockey fans are hot shit.

Go Pens.
Go Pens female fans.
Go Pens dude fans who love Pens lady fans.

Winning the Cup or bust.

<3 PH Staff

whew!

2010-03-08T23:50:00.003-05:00

Sorry about the personal weekend we all took at Puck Huffers.
We stood in two rush lines at Mellon Arena, had a 25% success rate, made daiquiris, and generally had spring break in the PH tradition.
We love hockey and we are dedicated to it in some pretty hardcore ways, but Daiquiri Afternoon was meant to happen, and disrupted everything.
We think the boys would approve. Don't know why. Just know.

Anyway, we better get you all up to date! You know all of this already. If you don't we doubt your commitment to SparkleMotion.
But we have to mention it.

Some items of note:
1.) The Penguins are finally atop the Atlantic Division, for real.
The Debs still have two games in hand on us, but if they win them both they're still a point behind.
Someone was going for some kind of insane photojournalism artistic award in this photo.
Look into Daddy's eyes.
Do you see the fear? The sadness? The horror?
So suck it NJ. We're tearing your shit up. See you later, dicks.

2.) Okay okay the Cooke hit on Marc Savard.

Having been at this game, I didn't see the hit, but I did experience the complete hush over the crowd when Savard didn't get up from that, and it was scary.
Nobody wants anybody to get hurt like that.
At least, a good fan of hockey doesn't want anybody to get hurt like that.
Watching the replay: it's not an elbow, it's a shoulder.
Is it dirty: in theory, yes.
Could Cooke have merely missed his check and gotten Savard's head instead of his shoulder: sure, but we have no idea.
Should Marc Savard have been looking the fuck out instead of admiring his shot: yes, definitely.
Was it late: hits as late as or later than that are committed without penalty every single game.
Do we still love Matt Cooke: yes, of course. It's his job to do borderline shit. Of course he should have been more careful, but we can't vilify him as a human being because we're pretty sure he would never intend to cause harm to anybody, much less head-trauma harm.
Should hits like that be penalized: in theory, yes. Intentional or not. You sit four in the box if you cut someone's face with your stick blade and draw blood, even if it was a total and complete accident and you promise to buy the guy a drink and the two of you are best friends and train together in the offseason and live next door to each other and your wives share an herb garden.

We don't really know what the solution to the hits-to-the-head problem is.
We'd say that there's a reason we're bloggers and the guys in charge of this shit are in charge of this shit, but we don't trust the higher-ups in the NHL any more than we trust Max Talbot with the keys to the van on Friday night.
Generally, we just want people to be more careful, for hits to the head to be penalized, and for Marc Savard to have a speedy recovery.

3.) CBJ currently getting blown the fuck out by the Kings for no apparent reason.
They have 11 shots so far in the game. wtf babies

4.) We love everything and everyone.

5.) Road trip coming up. Brace yourselves.

kthx
Go Pens

We aren't dead!

2010-03-07T12:56:00.001-05:00

We could have been, but we aren't.
Somehow we make it out of everything alive.
We still haven't figured that one out yet.

There will be a post later, sorry for the delay.

2010-03-07T12:25:00.001-05:00

PH has been traveling, trying to student rush games+discovering the finer points of Governor General. We hope you are enjoying the weekend matinees--Go Pens.